Some days ...

I remember the first time I KNOW I hit bottom ... I was sitting outside watching the fireflies drifting in the wind ... it hurt to breath ...

The little flutter of light gave me hope and kept me moving forward. I found myself living the advice I've given to many people a thousand times - One breath, one step, one moment at a time ...

I took the journey as it came ...

Right now I am in a similar place ... I look around and absolutely love the coffee shop and what it has become, yet I struggle because as amazing as it is, I feel little joy from it. I yearn to have a reason other than work to get out of bed each day ... I yearn to have SOMETHING to look forward to ...

And I'm struggling to help my children with their relationship with their mother who has continued to live selfishly and thoughtlessly towards them - even after 21 years it still shocks, surprises and saddens me that she can't put her children foremost, even once ... late night texts from a daughter trying to talk to her mother and saying over and over "she WON'T listen" breaks my heart and makes me deeply sad ... it is a replaying of what lead to the failure of our marriage ... our children deserve better but their own mother can't see it ... and I stood silently too long and let this become the norm ...

In this moment, I struggle to find hope ... I know it is there, and with everything I have been through I have no doubt it is there. I just struggle to see and feel it right now ... I struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other ...

And ultimately, today is all about putting one foot in front of the other and making the journey and praying it will get better ... I know I am tired spiritually, physically, and mentally and that is not helping ... but I also wish I could set right some of the things in the past that I screwed up royally ... I wish I could turn back the clock and treat some people the way they deserved to be treated instead of letting my anger and my hurt and my pain get the better of me ...

I wish I could look around me today and feel the breeze of promise and hope that should whirling around ...

Maybe tomorrow ... 

A confession and acknowledging some truth ...

I am proud to be the owner and proprietor of a lovely little coffee shop in the downtown of our little rural village. It has been an incredible journey that began long before I ever came to Flesherton. In the last few months there has been  A LOT of hard work put into bringing Highland Grounds into being - but as I stand and survey what we've achieved (and it took a team of people to make this happen), I can't help but think - Is this all there is? 

Not because I'm unhappy or discontent - but because something is missing ... and it has taken me a while to figure it out ... 

Tonight I posted the following on Facebook - and I expect that it, like a previous musing on the nature of apologies that I directed at my children, will be removed ... so, I offer my words here because I realized tonight I've stood silently for far too long when I should have spoken, and I've failed to speak the truth when I should have ... and as one who values the role of prophet, and who has long stood up for what is right, this has not rested well with my soul, and has contributed to the un-ease in my soul ... So, what I said on Facebook was:

21 years ago this week I began the journey of marriage ... I was young, naive, insecure and devoted ... In time I became a doormat and I became angry and resentful and bitter ... In time I opted to leave because it was growing worse not better ... but it was messy and confusing and hard ... In time my path crossed with a beautiful soul that I treated horribly and pushed away ...today I see the toxicity playing out in my children and I weep at what they've learned ...

Selfishness is never part of a healthy relationship - taking while seldom giving is abusive, looking out only for oneself is childish and toxic, and having to bury the hurt and sadness and pain doesn't address it - instead it comes out where it shouldn't.

I owe my children an apology for being a poor parent at times and allowing them to think being an angry doormat was normal for a parent.

I owe Sam, Hannah, and Rebekkah an apology for offering such a bad model for their lives and relationships and I hope they can learn from past mistakes. You bore the brunt of the anger arising from the pain I was enduring in the illusion of LOVE and for that I'm deeply sorry.

I also owe Lori and Shaun an apology for much ... The pendulum swung too far from being a victim and I hurt both of you deeply. I should have done many thing very differently, and I could only see what slipped through my fingers after I hit bottom.

I try to be the strong one, but recently I've come to realize that my true strength was not found in being in control, but in allowing my hurts and my wounds to heal ...

I've long said our bruises teach us great lessons ... Today I will admit to my bruises AND I WILL cast aside the illusions and posturing ...

Today I am sorry for much and I will seek to make the future better than the past ... I can't change the past but saying "Sorry" means owning the hurt we've caused and seeking the healing and wholeness of the one we've wronged!

So, tonight I am laying this 'out there' for ALL to see ... I tried to make my marriage work, not for the sake of the children but because I cared deeply for my partner ... but the treatment I received made me angry and resentful and bitter and it slowly poisoned the waters ... I was once told by a well meaning friend that I shouldn't "slam the mother of my children" by admitted to the ill treatment that went on - but today I look at my children and see them playing out the sad and toxic example they learned too well ... and for their sake, that has to stop - and sadly, the only way for it to stop is by being open and honest and admitted to our faults ... the very heart of an apology. 

 I also have to acknowledge, that when I moved from Manitoba to Ontario I came with a partner I wanted to build something new with ... she was smart, funny, beautiful, kind and caring. She was a great mom to her son, and was most of all an amazing friend and companion ... but out of fear and my deep insecurities, I was secretive about her presence in my life, and in my commitment to never be a doormat again, I swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction ... the stresses this caused were devestating for L, and her son, and the hurt caused by my boorish actions are in many ways unforgivable ... I was deeply, deeply wrong, and there is no justification or excuse ... my hurt and pain, my fears and insecurities, complicated by the sudden death of my mom and my brother tore my heart and soul apart and instead of allowing the people around me in, I shut them out and acted badly ... and in time drove them away ... something I have deeply regretted since it happened, but have only recently acknowledged ... 

A few weeks ago, as I opened the coffee shop I was carried on a bouyant wave but something was amiss ... as I became more and more exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I came to realize what it was ... this ache and pain within - the pain body as Eckert Tolle calls it - was consuming me ... I was angry and resentful and that was colouring everything around me ... it came to a head recently when plans for shuffling kids back and forth between BC and Ontario were being discussed and some painful realizations were made ... 

I demanded an apology from the kids' mom and she half-heartedly offered one that continues to ring hollow ... I dug in my heels and refused to bend this time ... and the end result was the realization of how the toxic behaviours of the parents have been passed on to the children ... I see in my children and unhealthy selfishness that seeks to ease some inner pain by demanding more and more and more, and never being satisified, but more worrying to me is the mirror I look into that shows me the development of a doormat who will do EVERYTHING imaginable to appease and please an insatiable and unappreciative partner ... I weep at the recreation of me and my foolish behaviour in my children ... 

THEY DESERVE BETTER. 

And I for one, will do my utmost to ensure that what is modeled from here on, is better than what they've witnessed and experienced. No one deserves to be treated like an object by someone who purports to love them - love is about care, respect, understanding, and justice. A loving relationship ebbs and flows and sees the partners working together, sharing, being cooperative, and being caring towards one another ... all things that were lacking in my marriage ... I will never say their mother was a bad person, she isn't ... but she has behaviours and attitudes that were and remain hurtful and toxic and even though she would utter the words "I'm sorry" a thousand times - the behaviours NEVER changed ... 

My children deserve better ... I wish I could take back the anger I unjustly unleashed at them ... I wish I could go back and stand up for them more often ... I wish I could re-do many things from their childhood and their journey into adulthood ... I am thankful they are strong, intelligent and aware individuals, and they have a lot of the good I saw in their mother, and I strive to share - and can still turn back the behaviour that is troubling and troublesome ... 

If I can teach them nothing else, I would teach them as adults to OWN their behaviour - make amends as need be, and live the apologies that we sometimes have to make. But most of all, if you claim to love someone - then treat them with the SAME care, consideration, kindness and love that you want to experience. Don't treat them like an object, and NEVER NEVER NEVER show off in front of your friends by casting them aside and treating them like dirt to impress someone who could careless anyway. A so called best friend should never come BEFORE a partner or spouse - EVER!!!

I carry great resentment about how I was treated whenever certain people showed up - these moments should NEVER have happened, and instead of confronting it - I shrugged my shoulders and buried the pain ... and that pain never eased and never went away ... 

I am far from perfect - I have made my share of mistakes ... but tonight as I posted my thoughts on Facebook I realized that I want nothing more than to be loved and cared for ... I want someone to fuss over me a little bit once in awhile, I want to receive actual presents for Christmas and my birthday, I want to feel valued ... those were things my marriage never had as priorities, and that lead to deep resentments and anger that tonight I begin to let go of by naming THE TRUTH, and speaking what others foolishly convinced me should be kept secret. 

My children deserve to be in relationships that are affirming, nurturing, loving and mutual - things I never got from my marriage, and things I failed to offer to Lori when she ventured into my life ... I need to do better for my children, so they can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do much better in their own lives ... 

 No one deserves to be treated like dirt in their own homes by someone who claims to love them ... that is not love ... it is a joke, and I know I tried to offer what I never received, and the downward spiral only sped up ... it takes two to make a marriage work - 21 years ago I begged my newly wedded bride to please meet me half way on something ... she didn't then, and she never did after ... I kept trying to appease her until it finally destroyed our marriage, and almost destroyed me. The repercussions of that toxic selfishness continued to reverberate throughout my life and affect many aspects of my life beyond my relationships and parenting ... somewhere the toxicity has to be stopped!!

My children deserve better!! 

And Lori deserved much better.

Tonight publically I say - I'm sorry, and will strive to live a meaningful apology. I've heard the words "I'm sorry" spoken thousands of times, but the behaviour never changed, the attitude never changed, the treatment never changed ... there were glimmering moments where it seemed like change was possible, but then that light was crushed into oblivion and the old ways rushed back ... My commitment tonight and in the coming days is to live my apology and to seek in all things to treat people with dignity, respect, care and compassion, and that begins with the people closest to me - because if you say "I love you," you don't treat them like garbage ... it's such a simple lesson really, I marvel that in 21 years its lack is being revealed in the failure of it to be passed on to our children ... 

I will do better from this day forward!! 

The people I love deserve nothing less ... .