I wish I could simply blame Monty ...

While I wish I could simply blame my current state of mind on a depression and chalk it up to Monty, my little black dog, But over the last few hours I've realized that I can't blame depression for where I'm at. I can't blame any one, I can merely own the reality in which I live and continue to move forward one step, one breath, one moment at a time ...

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The last two years of ongoing abuse, gossip, and lies by too many people in the community have finally taken their toll ... my reserves are depleted ... I have no where to go to recharge ... and I'm tired ... and lately it has caused me to be physically ill too ...

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I know one day it will start to get better ... but after telling myself that for two long years and watching over and over as the offered help has hurt and hindered ... it's getting harder to believe that day will come ...

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But I know it will ... I have to trust in that ... otherwise, I really have no reason to get up in the morning ...

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Right now, I'm not even sure where Monty is ... I haven't seen him in quite awhile ...

Tossing a Bone ...

All I want right now is a big Milk Bone dog biscuit ...

Not for me - for Monty.

If I could find one - I would take the biscuit

and wave it in front of his nose,

then toss it as far as I could ...

... and maybe, just maybe,

he would chase after it

and for a couple of minutes

he would leave me in peace ...

... even if only for the few seconds he took to scarf it down!!

It's been a tough few days,

and I'm wishing Monty would go and play

somewhere else for awhile.

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... Tomorrow is a new day ...

... I'll wait and see what it brings ...

Monty Don't Play Dat:

I've learned a few things Monty isn't fond of:

- bright sunshine

- walks in the sun

- time spent reading a good book

- being complimented by a friend

- enjoying a movie with the kids

- golfing

- spending time over coffee with friends

- napping and getting rested

- acknowledging he is there ...

... it's all part of the process,

but today as I enjoyed a sunny day,

Monty kept to the shadows.

I'll worry about tomorrow ...

... tomorrow.

Today with Monty ...

The sun was shining, the air was warm,

and even though the wind was gusty at times,

it was a beautiful day for Golf.

Auntie W (Noahkila's Godmother) and I hit the local links,

we played a full 18 holes, with a pause for lunch,

walking the whole way - just enjoying the day.

There were ducklings, goslings, turtles and

dozens of birds spread across the course.

I can't say I broke 100 ... but that doesn't matter,

it was a fun way to spend a sunny day.

And I learned that Monty doesn't like Golf ...

... he wandered off for awhile !!

I suppose it just means that

I'll have to hit the links again sometime !

Journeying with Monty ...

Being alone can be a good thing ...

it give you time to rest ...

time to reflect ...

and even time to begin to heal ...

Being alone can be a positive place to be ...

Being alone is about finding wholeness !!

But being lonely is less fun ... and less positive ...

Sometimes the path that starts out as alone-ness

suddenly takes a turn and you make the slide into loneliness ...

I wish sometimes they marked these things on the map

so you could know which intersections to avoid ...

My Black Dog ...

Winston Churchill once said of depression that it was like a black dog ... it accompanies you throughout your life, and even though there are times when it is off playing somewhere else, perhaps out of view beyond a hill, it never really leaves you. Then there are some times when the ubiquitous black dog comes and takes a firm hold of you and drags you where you may not want to go ... One writer even described his experience of depression with the phrase: "Into the Jaws of the Black Dog ..."

I know ALL about that black dog, and I have to say that Churchill's description is apt ...

It's all part of the journey of depression ...

It's all part of a journey I have known and know too well ...

I thought my black dog was off somewhere playing and leaving me alone, but the other day he came bounding back and knocked me on my back ...

I don't enjoy my bouts of depression ... but I also no longer fear them ... like the tides and the seasons - in time it changes and passes ... this is one of those times ...

It's not an expression of weakness to say - "I'm experiencing a bout of depression ..." It's merely owning the reality of this moment ...

So - I'm experiencing a bout of depression ... the factors that lead to it are many and varied ... and the outcome is unknown ... for now I'll worry about tomorrow when it comes ... Right now my black dog has a firm grip on me and is pulling me to place I don't really like going, but to fight him is sometimes counter productive ...

I know I'll be alright - in time.
I know my depression will pass - in time.
I know I'll be okay - in time ...

I also know that TODAY, I'm caught in the jaws of my own black dog ... I guess I have to accept that ...

For now though, I think I'll name him Montgomery ... and I'll look forward to the day he heads off over the horizon for awhile ...