A confession and acknowledging some truth ...

I am proud to be the owner and proprietor of a lovely little coffee shop in the downtown of our little rural village. It has been an incredible journey that began long before I ever came to Flesherton. In the last few months there has been  A LOT of hard work put into bringing Highland Grounds into being - but as I stand and survey what we've achieved (and it took a team of people to make this happen), I can't help but think - Is this all there is? 

Not because I'm unhappy or discontent - but because something is missing ... and it has taken me a while to figure it out ... 

Tonight I posted the following on Facebook - and I expect that it, like a previous musing on the nature of apologies that I directed at my children, will be removed ... so, I offer my words here because I realized tonight I've stood silently for far too long when I should have spoken, and I've failed to speak the truth when I should have ... and as one who values the role of prophet, and who has long stood up for what is right, this has not rested well with my soul, and has contributed to the un-ease in my soul ... So, what I said on Facebook was:

21 years ago this week I began the journey of marriage ... I was young, naive, insecure and devoted ... In time I became a doormat and I became angry and resentful and bitter ... In time I opted to leave because it was growing worse not better ... but it was messy and confusing and hard ... In time my path crossed with a beautiful soul that I treated horribly and pushed away ...today I see the toxicity playing out in my children and I weep at what they've learned ...

Selfishness is never part of a healthy relationship - taking while seldom giving is abusive, looking out only for oneself is childish and toxic, and having to bury the hurt and sadness and pain doesn't address it - instead it comes out where it shouldn't.

I owe my children an apology for being a poor parent at times and allowing them to think being an angry doormat was normal for a parent.

I owe Sam, Hannah, and Rebekkah an apology for offering such a bad model for their lives and relationships and I hope they can learn from past mistakes. You bore the brunt of the anger arising from the pain I was enduring in the illusion of LOVE and for that I'm deeply sorry.

I also owe Lori and Shaun an apology for much ... The pendulum swung too far from being a victim and I hurt both of you deeply. I should have done many thing very differently, and I could only see what slipped through my fingers after I hit bottom.

I try to be the strong one, but recently I've come to realize that my true strength was not found in being in control, but in allowing my hurts and my wounds to heal ...

I've long said our bruises teach us great lessons ... Today I will admit to my bruises AND I WILL cast aside the illusions and posturing ...

Today I am sorry for much and I will seek to make the future better than the past ... I can't change the past but saying "Sorry" means owning the hurt we've caused and seeking the healing and wholeness of the one we've wronged!

So, tonight I am laying this 'out there' for ALL to see ... I tried to make my marriage work, not for the sake of the children but because I cared deeply for my partner ... but the treatment I received made me angry and resentful and bitter and it slowly poisoned the waters ... I was once told by a well meaning friend that I shouldn't "slam the mother of my children" by admitted to the ill treatment that went on - but today I look at my children and see them playing out the sad and toxic example they learned too well ... and for their sake, that has to stop - and sadly, the only way for it to stop is by being open and honest and admitted to our faults ... the very heart of an apology. 

 I also have to acknowledge, that when I moved from Manitoba to Ontario I came with a partner I wanted to build something new with ... she was smart, funny, beautiful, kind and caring. She was a great mom to her son, and was most of all an amazing friend and companion ... but out of fear and my deep insecurities, I was secretive about her presence in my life, and in my commitment to never be a doormat again, I swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction ... the stresses this caused were devestating for L, and her son, and the hurt caused by my boorish actions are in many ways unforgivable ... I was deeply, deeply wrong, and there is no justification or excuse ... my hurt and pain, my fears and insecurities, complicated by the sudden death of my mom and my brother tore my heart and soul apart and instead of allowing the people around me in, I shut them out and acted badly ... and in time drove them away ... something I have deeply regretted since it happened, but have only recently acknowledged ... 

A few weeks ago, as I opened the coffee shop I was carried on a bouyant wave but something was amiss ... as I became more and more exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I came to realize what it was ... this ache and pain within - the pain body as Eckert Tolle calls it - was consuming me ... I was angry and resentful and that was colouring everything around me ... it came to a head recently when plans for shuffling kids back and forth between BC and Ontario were being discussed and some painful realizations were made ... 

I demanded an apology from the kids' mom and she half-heartedly offered one that continues to ring hollow ... I dug in my heels and refused to bend this time ... and the end result was the realization of how the toxic behaviours of the parents have been passed on to the children ... I see in my children and unhealthy selfishness that seeks to ease some inner pain by demanding more and more and more, and never being satisified, but more worrying to me is the mirror I look into that shows me the development of a doormat who will do EVERYTHING imaginable to appease and please an insatiable and unappreciative partner ... I weep at the recreation of me and my foolish behaviour in my children ... 

THEY DESERVE BETTER. 

And I for one, will do my utmost to ensure that what is modeled from here on, is better than what they've witnessed and experienced. No one deserves to be treated like an object by someone who purports to love them - love is about care, respect, understanding, and justice. A loving relationship ebbs and flows and sees the partners working together, sharing, being cooperative, and being caring towards one another ... all things that were lacking in my marriage ... I will never say their mother was a bad person, she isn't ... but she has behaviours and attitudes that were and remain hurtful and toxic and even though she would utter the words "I'm sorry" a thousand times - the behaviours NEVER changed ... 

My children deserve better ... I wish I could take back the anger I unjustly unleashed at them ... I wish I could go back and stand up for them more often ... I wish I could re-do many things from their childhood and their journey into adulthood ... I am thankful they are strong, intelligent and aware individuals, and they have a lot of the good I saw in their mother, and I strive to share - and can still turn back the behaviour that is troubling and troublesome ... 

If I can teach them nothing else, I would teach them as adults to OWN their behaviour - make amends as need be, and live the apologies that we sometimes have to make. But most of all, if you claim to love someone - then treat them with the SAME care, consideration, kindness and love that you want to experience. Don't treat them like an object, and NEVER NEVER NEVER show off in front of your friends by casting them aside and treating them like dirt to impress someone who could careless anyway. A so called best friend should never come BEFORE a partner or spouse - EVER!!!

I carry great resentment about how I was treated whenever certain people showed up - these moments should NEVER have happened, and instead of confronting it - I shrugged my shoulders and buried the pain ... and that pain never eased and never went away ... 

I am far from perfect - I have made my share of mistakes ... but tonight as I posted my thoughts on Facebook I realized that I want nothing more than to be loved and cared for ... I want someone to fuss over me a little bit once in awhile, I want to receive actual presents for Christmas and my birthday, I want to feel valued ... those were things my marriage never had as priorities, and that lead to deep resentments and anger that tonight I begin to let go of by naming THE TRUTH, and speaking what others foolishly convinced me should be kept secret. 

My children deserve to be in relationships that are affirming, nurturing, loving and mutual - things I never got from my marriage, and things I failed to offer to Lori when she ventured into my life ... I need to do better for my children, so they can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do much better in their own lives ... 

 No one deserves to be treated like dirt in their own homes by someone who claims to love them ... that is not love ... it is a joke, and I know I tried to offer what I never received, and the downward spiral only sped up ... it takes two to make a marriage work - 21 years ago I begged my newly wedded bride to please meet me half way on something ... she didn't then, and she never did after ... I kept trying to appease her until it finally destroyed our marriage, and almost destroyed me. The repercussions of that toxic selfishness continued to reverberate throughout my life and affect many aspects of my life beyond my relationships and parenting ... somewhere the toxicity has to be stopped!!

My children deserve better!! 

And Lori deserved much better.

Tonight publically I say - I'm sorry, and will strive to live a meaningful apology. I've heard the words "I'm sorry" spoken thousands of times, but the behaviour never changed, the attitude never changed, the treatment never changed ... there were glimmering moments where it seemed like change was possible, but then that light was crushed into oblivion and the old ways rushed back ... My commitment tonight and in the coming days is to live my apology and to seek in all things to treat people with dignity, respect, care and compassion, and that begins with the people closest to me - because if you say "I love you," you don't treat them like garbage ... it's such a simple lesson really, I marvel that in 21 years its lack is being revealed in the failure of it to be passed on to our children ... 

I will do better from this day forward!! 

The people I love deserve nothing less ... . 

  

Today I shall wear purple ...

Today I will proudly follow the crowd and wear purple as a visibile and visual reminder to OTHERS about the dangers and perils of BULLYING!!!

Every day when I look in the mirror I am reminded of the scars of bullying. My nose was broken no less then twice by bullies who thought it was fun and okay to punch me in the face.

I remember many long nights as a teen weeping in fear at the prospects of going back to school and facing the torment and the violence to my person. Some of it was physical, but much was verbal and emotional.

Can you imagine making fun of a child because their father was dead, and they lived in a single parent home?

I still remember the afternoon that happened for the first time ...

I still remember being picked on because my clothes were hand-me-downs, and my jeans were patched and a bit ratty (this was before THAT was the style) ...

I still remember being picked LAST, or in some case not at all for games in the school yard and in my neighbourhood ... and then if I showed ANY emotion, or the slightest tear being mercilessly teased ...

I still remember the hurt that was constant and seemingly endless ...

I survived ... but I still remember ...

And today, I weep not for the Amanda Todd's of the world - there are more than enough people weeping for the pretty photogenic victims of bullying - but I weep for the hundreds of thousands of faceless victims who never have that moment in the limelight that says "YOU ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED AND WORTH MORE THEN THE B-LLS--T!!!!"

I have found it disturbing to read online over and over postings by people asking "What about ----?" and they cite a friend, a family member or another young person who has been bullied to the point of suicide.

As horrible as the story of Amanda Todd is, the lesson we NEED to know and remember and act on - is that bullying in ANY and ALL forms is wrong, and there are hundreds of thousands of kids being bullied for any number of reasons today, and they don't get the media attention Ms Todd and her family are getting.

Those kids need to be remembered TOO!!!

The other longer life lesson we need to be mindful of, is that Bullying is not limited only to the playground or the school class room. It happens in a myriad of ways and continues well into adulthood.

I wish I could say I left Bullying behind in my childhood, but I can look back in my journey as an adult and as a minister and see shining examples of Bullies and bullying behaviour in almost every corner of my life.

Slashing my tires and shooting at my house are extreme examples of bullying ... false reports to the Childrens' Aid and traumatizing my children are definitely a form of bullying ... spreading false rumours and listening to them is a form of bullying ... failing to stand up for someone being pummelled and harassed is a form of bullying ... and claiming to be a 'good Christian' while avoiding someone in a mall or on the street is a form of bullying ...

My list could go on ... but I don't need to revisit the past - most of the examples are cited previously throughout the past posts here at Prairie Preacher, so I will leave the list as it is and offer the hopeful prayer that one day the Church will see that it can do more and be better at walking the talk, and that it will take seriously the need to address bullying in its own courts and circles ...

Bullying leaves life long scars, but fortunately we know that there is a strange twist in the old adage: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me ..."

Names do hurt. But when the names and the sticks and the stones break our bones (our spirit, our heart), we are made stronger at the place where that breakage occurs. The scar that forms will often make the bone stronger and that is what victims of bullying rely on - the strength that comes from surviving, healing and attaining wholeness!!

Looking back, I know I was often the victim of relentless and horrible abuse and bullying ... but the healing that followed has help forge me into the adult I am today. I'm far from perfect, and I've needed to work through some stuff along the way, but I know now, 40 years later, that victims can survive and prosper.

AND that my friends is the message we need to get out there to every victim of Bullying: They can survive and become stronger people because they've overcome the fearfilled abuse weaklings attempted to inflict on them.

If we want to honour victims like Amanda Todd, we have to do more than just stop bullying - we have to help ALL the victims survive and transform our world with the amazing strength they have to share!!!

Namste!!!

Reflections on Father's Day ...

It was given to me on Father's Day in 1997 ... Aubery had his cousin sew the blanket, and he painted it ... he gave it to me as a way of remembering my time and my friends amongst the Nuxalkmc, and he gave it to me as a Father's Day present in the waning days of my time in Bella Coola ... I still remember his words: "Wear it on the Holy Days and at special events, and remember us ..."

I've worn it with pride many times since.

It was one of the items I was desperate to get out of my office as fire consumed the rest of the building in February of 2005.

It is something I like to wear on High Holy Days and on days when I need to remember the circle of care and faith I was part of while living in Bella Coola almost 2 decades ago.

Yesterday my reflection at worship here in Flesherton looked back on an afternoon that happened a few weeks before Aubery gave me his gift, and left me awash in memories and recollections of people and a place that remains important to my faith journey. I didn't wear my blanket, but I could have and I really should have. The main reason I didn't was the heat and the humidity ...

But I carried the memories with me ...

The blanket and the stole that came with it make me smile every time I wear it, and every time I see it hanging in my office closet ... I have good memories of Bella Coola and the people I ministered among while I was there ... and those memories have profoundly touched my faith, my being, my view of the world, and my way of living and ministering ... not ALL the memories are good ones, but even those that make me wince in embarrassment and discomfort have taught me lessons and helped me become the person and the minister I am today.

As I look back on my life journey, I wonder how many of those uncomfortable moments may have been avoided had my dad lived into my teenaged or adult years ... I wonder how many of the lessons I had to learn the hard way are things he could have helped provide wise counsel about avoiding rather than blundering headlong in to? I wonder how differently things would have been had Dad not died that summer morning so long ago ...

Yet, overarching all of this, is the simple realization that I am the person I am today because of all the events and happenings that have marked my journey over the last 44 years. I've made horrendous and humiliating mistakes, I have achieved much more than I've expected at times, and I really have very few regrets over the path I've trod ... I carry the good and the bad with me, and they inform my present and continue to shape my future.

My one hope is that my life journey will help my children, and my circle of family and friends in positive and affirming ways ... and that what I've experienced, endured, learned and been privy to, will help others in their personal journeys ...

In Honour of the Day ...

I can't think of a more apt video to offer today than this one:

It's the Mom song or Momisms by Anita Renfroe.

Happy Mother's Day!!