In my day ...

.

Reinhold Neibuhr once quipped - "Humor, is a prelude to faith, and laughter is the beginning of prayer.”

.

Last night I "prayed" like never before ...

.

The Ron James concert was TWO hours of non-stop stand-up hilarity ... there were portions of the show that had me wiping aways the tears of laughter, as Ron thoroughly entertained the audience assembled before him ... but his segment on camping in a tent trailer during a three day down pour on Cape Breton being warned by his father "not to touch the tent when it's raining" being set up by the realization that HIS dad needed the shot of ritalin, left me gasping for oxygen ...

.

The funniest line of the night put the exclamation point on the story ... "ADHD ??? In my day we never heard of ADHD, we just said 'JESUS CHRIST, there's something not right with THAT kid !!"

.

HE BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN, and was grinning all the way ...

.

And his occasional rants about "The Church" were hysterically accurate ... his shows are well worth checking out ... you won't leave disappointed.

.

This morning Noahkila and I started the day watching the new DVD we bought last night ... revisiting the show was a delightful (and fun way) to start the day !!

Reflections ...

Last night reading Elie Wiesel's book "The Town Beyond the Wall" I encountered the following prayer: "Oh God, be with me when I have need of you, but above all do not leave me when I deny you..."

It struck me as a remarkably apt prayer ... Too often we forget, or even deny God in the very moments when we need God's Grace and Presence and Strength the most ...

As I read the prayer I began to think about the Biblical character of Job, not as a religious figure, but as an ordinary person who too many of us can relate to personally ...

Job, sitting outside the city gates in sackcloth and ashes, scratching his skin disorder with the shard of a broken pot, was being encouraged by his friends and family to roll over and die, to give up, to move on, to abandon the lest vestiges of his faith, and to curse God and DIE ... Beyond being the quintessential model for ministry in the modern church, Job offers us a touch of reality in the midst of our life's journey ...

Things had gone bad - very very very bad for Job. His loses kept mounting, he felt abandoned and alone, his friends came not to comfort him, but to encourage him to just give up once and for all ... but the book ends with God breaking through and saying "Job ... this is the way the world is ..." and Like Lord Krishna appearing before Arjuna in the midst of the Battle field in the Hindu Holy Text ... God spells it ALL out for his awestruck follower ...

Today as I considered Job, I realized that over the last two year over and over I have counted loss after loss after loss ... people I thought friends have turned ... people I respected have abandoned me ... and my life slowly began a downward spiral ... conflicts got out of hand ... I over reacted ... cries for help went unheeded ... and the spiral intensified and continued ...

Unlike Job, I am not simply a passive and blameless observer of the events unfolding around me ... I am too often my own worst enemy. (I won't blame ADD, but understanding ADD better has helped me understand the elusive WHY? in many cases ...I'm still to blame for MY mistakes and mis-steps, but I better understand how to avoid them in the future ...)

But like Job, I have found myself in a place where I have felt abandoned, alone, and abused ... some of it has been the hypersensitivity of ADD and the inability to see what was really happening around me ... but some of it has been the simple reality of the journey I've walked ... I've heard many of the things people have said ... I've read too many hate-filled comments left anonymously on my blog ... I know what has been spread about me in town ... BUT, even in that ... even when things were at their darkest ... the glimmer of faith guided me forward ...

The funny thing for me, in a sad way, is simply this ... many people believe I am arrogant, that I believe that I am always right, that I have a 'I don't give a damned' approach to things, and that nothing they say ever bothers me ... the truth is THEY ARE WRONG ON ALL COUNTS!!!

I am far from arrogant ... I seldom believe I am right, but I do reflect on things rapidly and offer my thoughts in a way that is too often viewed as aggressive ... I may carry a facade of not giving a damned, but deep down, down where very few people have been allowed to glimpse, I am left devestated and wrecked ... and to say that nothing ever bothers me is a complete and utter fallacy ... One of the traits of ADD is hypersensitivity ... I've got it in a big way ... my facade has been effective ...

Far from crafting a pity party here, I instead have come in recent weeks, to realize the places in my life that required, and even demanded change ... It hasn't been easy, but it has been a rewarding journey ...

Job stands as an example to me, and to all of us who are in places of struggle, transition, uncertainty and even pain ... in this moment when it may seem bleak - we are firmly in the hands of God ... and the glimmer of faith will see us through ...

It's all about patience ... time ... and caring for and about ourselves, because at the end of the day the ONLY sanctuary we possess is the one we live within ... Job taught us that much ... the question is whether we're willing to take the time to enter fully that sanctuary and spend time there on our way to wholeness ??

Thankfully, where ever we go God will NOT abandon us ... Job reminds us of that if we have the courage to listen ...

Change and Fear ... Life's Constants ...

(I ONLY wish this was MY leg ... but I'm getting closer!!)

.

Today as I was pedalling up one of the long slow rising hills in town, I looked down at my legs working the pedals of my bike ... I was actually shocked for a moment when I realized how defined the muscles of my leg (both the calves and the thighs) had become ... all this biking is paying off ...

.

I knew my legs were getting a good work out, and I knew they had gotten stronger - even the aches have lessened in recent weeks - but I hadn't realized how they had changed physically until today ... I was impressed and more than a little happy ...

.

In that moment I recalled a moment in time a few weeks ago when I stepped into the shower and was shocked as I looked down and realized that my rather rotund Pilsbury Dough Boy-like tummy had lessened AND begun to harden from the exercise regime I have been following ... I was impressed ...

.

Today, I'm even more impressed ...

.

But what impresses me most is the simple fact that these changes to my physical person have happened in such a way that I missed it all ... Today, I suddenly realized it HAD happened!! Rather than seeing and celebrating it along the way ... tonight as I reflected on that simple fact, I thought about how true that is of life ...

.

Change sneaks up on us ... our children are babies, then is seems like only a few short weeks later they are pre-schoolers, then teenagers and soon they are bringing home grandchildren to meet us ...

.

Or on a shorter scale ... we plant gardens and while it takes what seems like forever to see the first green shoots appear, suddenly in a matter of what seems like hours our gardens are lush and green and overgrown ...

.

Change is inevitable ... Change is good ... Last week a wise man told me that life is a dynamic thing that ALWAYS involves and requires change and growth. He went on to explain, that if there is no change there is no growth, and no growth means that there is only stasis and death. So no change means no life ...

.

Our lives are about change ... Gandhi said "be the change you seek". He was talking on a global scale, but on a personal level, we must be the change that we seek ...

.

Unfortunately too often we resist or actively fight change because of FEAR ... Fear itself is a funny thing ... We spend enormous amounts of time, energy and other valuable resources fighting fear, and in the process we forget that important lesson that Franklin Delona Roosevelt who said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself ..."

.

While he was addressing his nation on the occasion of his inauguration as President, his words ring true on a personal level as well ... Too often our fear is not based in anything more than a simple irrational mistrust ... fear of the unknown ... fear of tomorrow ... fear of being wrong ... fear of what people will think ... fear of what people might say ... or most paralyzing of all - a FEAR of being ALONE !!

.

We could inventory ALL of the irrational fears we could think of ... we could lock the doors to our homes and apartments ... we could hide away and never show our nose outside again ... but to what end?

.

Often the underlying issue of our fear is a simple irrational fear of change ... we want everything to stay the same ... we don't want to be challenged ... we don't want to be questioned ... we don't want to be proven wrong ... So we let fear triumph ... we allow ourselves to remain fearful and to resist change ... but without change there is no growth and there is no life ...

.

Over the last few months I can look back on innumerable moments where I stood terrified and paralyzed by fear ... One moment that stands out came the evening I drove across southern Ontario to South Down for the assessment ... I was terrified ...

.

The questions kept piling up in my head ... the fear increased ... then as I drove across the top of Toronto through the rolling hills along Highway 9, I said a simple prayer: "God, from this point on EVERYTHING is in YOUR hands ... I'm here for the ride ..."

.

I under went four of the most grueling, gut wrenching, and inspiring days I've ever put in ... I didn't merely endure it ... I started to enjoy it ... I looked deep within my soul and while some could call it narcissistic, I began to like who and what I found there ... I listened as I conversed with the staff and heard in their questions and comments reflections on me as a person that have been invaluable as I move forward in my journey of healing and wholeness ...

.

There are many who would, and openly DO say that I haven't changed ... that I am the same person who tangled with the business back in 2004 ... the same person who went on the leave last spring ... the same person who was judged unfit this spring ... They will say and believe it ... but that is because they've lost the ability to see the subtlety of change and growth and healing ...

.

Like my legs, or my belly ... the change in me has not been sudden and cataclysmic ... it has come slowly and incrementally ... it has been assisted in the leave taking I had last summer, in the reflections I've had with colleague and friends over the last 18 months, and in more recent days it has been greatly assisted by the assessment at South Down, the reading list I brought with me and the medication I've chosen to take ... I feel a change ... but ... today I'm not in control any more ... it's outta my hands ...

.

I've done what I can do to peel away the layers and to identify the roots causes of what has bedevilled me ... none of it justifies mistakes and inappropriate actions ... but it offers an explanation of "why?" while also providing valuable lessons on how to avoid it in the future ...

.

I'm far from perfect ... indeed, I've learned that I have many deep and dark flaws ... but I'll proudly own every one as I continue to journey towards wholeness and healing!! This is one change I do not fear !!!

.

So to those who dwell in fear ... those who are accepting of the way things are without opening their spirit to what should and could be ... those who are trying to keep everything the way it is without change or growth or progress ... to those who avert their eyes when they look in the mirror ... those who know only paralyzing fear - To all of US (you and I together) - all of us who have let fear in, and allowed fear to paralyze us ...

.

LET IT GO !!!

.

Claim the gift that change represents, and face down your fears. On August 19th I swallowed hard, turned my van to the right and pulled up in front of the fear filled unknown that was South Down ... and the fear vanished and my life began to change ...

.

It's that simple ... let go of the fear ... and embrace the process of change ...

To use a churchy phrase - in that moment The Resurrection will begin ...

.

Gotta leave the last word to one of my favourite bands - Great Big Sea.

The chorus of their song "Let it Go" says it all:

.

Let it Go

Let it Go

This is smaller than you know

No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road

Let it Go

Let it Go

Got to leave it all behind you

Give the sun a chance to find you

Let it Go

May it be so !!

May we ALL find the courage to let go of the pebbles and leave them all behind us where they belong !!!!

Dayenu !!!

Day Three ... It's been a good day !!

Today is day three of my journey taking Ritalin ... I was and remain hesitant and reluctant to take the route of pharmaceuticals, but ... In discussion with my Doctor it seemed like a reasonable option, and for now we're monitoring things and seeing what happens ...

.

Today I noticed that I lack the nervous energy that has long driven me ... I feel more calm and centred ...

.

I also noticed when I opened a harsh criticism in my "comments" section here, that I didn't take it personally, but instead read it and was able to laugh ... Not sure if this means my hyper-sensitivity has been lessened or not ... but my reaction was different!!

.

I won't say it is ALL the Ritalin. After reading Gabor Mate's book Scattered Minds, I know that exercise, eating properly and getting adequate rest are factors in living with ADD. Lately I've been getting lots of exercise, I've really been eating properly and lately I've actually been sleeping well ... So, perhaps the Ritalin in concert with good self care have done it ... whatever it is I feel different than I have for a long time.

.

Overall though, today has been a very, very good day. I've gotten a lot of biking done. I had some great chats with some friends. AND, I managed to clean the entrance way of the House so it looks less like the sight of an unexpected volcanic eruption ... Then I ended the day by preparing a meal of roast chicken (locally raised), roast potatoes (from Ms. H & Beetle's garden), roast carrots, frozen peas (both bought at Co-op), beets and beet greens (again from the girls' gardens), stuffing, and two salads - Mediterranean Tabouli and Mexican Jumping Bean Salad (see Farmgirl fare for recipe). It was a great way to end the day ...

.

Oh, and the picture ... apparently it is Ritalin recrystallized and photographed under a microscope !!!!

You never know who you'll meet ...

This past weekend I set three goals for myself ... one of them was to start being intentional about my writing, and within that intentionality, to actually do the writing.

Today I went for a bike ride to consider the three goals and how, in the face of one of the dominant traits of ADD (that of not being good at completing projects) I could begin to work towards the achieving of those goals ... my mind was mulling over the writing component when I passed a gentleman walking across the dam ... I glanced back and thought to myself ... "he looks familiar !!??"

Now, to digress slightly - I am a big fan of three First Nations writers who are active in Canada right now. They are Ian Ross (of Joe from Winnipeg fame), Thomas King (a novelist and creator and star of CBC's Dead Dog Cafe) and Thomson Highway (playwright and author).

The man on the dam was Thomson Highway who is currently working at Brandon University, while calling Minnedosa home ... I stopped my bike and introduced myself with the question - "excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but are you Thomson Highway?"

The reply was a shocked, "Um yes I am ... and you are?"

This chance encounter lead to a remarkable conversation wherein Thomson and I talked about many subjects from religion, to work, to his latest book, to the very task of writing ... I will share some of his observations later ... but tonight I will share his affirmation of writing as a profession ... He said - "the best writers come into their art in their 40's and reach their prime in their 50's ... they have to have life experience to reflect on ..."

He then suggested just taking the time every day to write ... and eventually the project will be completed ... As our conversations ended and I headed back to my bike ride, Thomson reiterated the importance of writing and encouraged me to do it ...

I don't believe things happen by chance ... Today in answer to a question within my soul the Cosmos responded and put in my path one of those who could supply an answer ... The rest is up to me ... but tonight I feel good about the possibilities, and tomorrow I'll take some time to start writing ...

So thanks Thomson Highway for your openess, your frankness and your warm hospitality. Today went from being a good day to being an amazing day !!

In the meantime, to learn more about Thomson Highway and his back ground click here and here. He IS a remarkable and talented man and I feel privileged to have met him today.

Tilting at Windmills ...

In our culture the phrase - "tilting at windmills" is often the only bit of the Cervantes' tale of Don Quixote and his companion Pancho that many of us know ...

It is an apt phrase for fool-hearty quests and fights that we may often engage in as we, like the hero of Cervantes' tale, launch a quest for visionary ideals, and wage a battle against perceived injustice.

It is unfortunately, a phrase I can deeply relate to ...

A couple of years ago, I engaged in a Quixotic battle against a local business with whom I had issues ... without revisiting the ugly details of the fight that lasted and lingered too long, and jumped the rails into a territory it had no reason to venture ... I will say honestly and openly - I was wrong, and I have paid an enormous price for this foolhardy fight.

Today however, I read a piece in Gabor Mate's book that illuminated for me the "Why?" that has long lingered in my mind as I considered the breadth and depth of the fight and how I impulsively ventured into it, defying even my own understanding and that of many people around me ...

Mate notes that one of the traits shared by many who live with ADD is a painful hyperconsciousness of injustice accompanied by an ineffective rage ... he goes on to note that time after time adults with ADD relate how sickened they are at seeing someone weak hurt or humiliated - how sickened they are, and how helpless they feel at intervening. I use the word sickened literally: there is a churning, nauseating feeling in the pit of the stomach and the head spins.

As I read those words a light went off within me ... my fight with the business in town was motivated by that very feeling - outrage at how I perceived others were being unjustly treated ...

This is not to justify my actions, nor to dismiss the outcome of my foolhardy quest for justice ... (I WAS WRONG - it was NOT my fight, and more significantly, one of the individuals I was "fighting" on behalf of needed to deal with the repercussions of their foolish and illegal actions and their own personal decisions without a "saviour" trying to set things right !!! I WAS WRONG !!!) but rather, this allows me to understand for the first time the physiological response that often grips me when I perceive an injustice.

Moreover, this is a double edged sword ... it is this response that drives my commitment to things like Fair Trade and Community Outreach through ministries like the local food cupboard, Samaritan House and the MCC. But the dark side of this sword comes when my impulsivity (also a trait of ADD) overreacts to the perceived injustice and engages in ineffective rage ...

The challenge ahead is to revisit the tale of Quixote and utilize the hypersensitivity in places and areas where the empathy it carries can make a REAL difference, rather than simply chasing after windmills ...

A couple of years ago I was wrong ... I'll own that. I've more than borne the consequences of that battle ... Today what lies before me is the opportunity to use the awareness and sensitivity to injustice in positive and affirming ways ...

It's an opportunity that comes with understanding for the first time what lurks within me ... and today the words offered to me a couple of weeks ago at South Down begin to not only sink in, but become an operating reality in my life ... As I noted previously:

To know means

to record in one's memory.

But to understand

is to make it part of one's self.

-

Today I move from KNOWING to UNDERSTANDING !!!

I Need to Learn to Like Me ...

I've been reading the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate, a doctor who not only treats people with ADD, but himself is an ADD parent of three sons who live with ADD. It is a book that I am finding endlessly fascinating to read. There is no adequate way to describe how I feel about this book. I can't say I'm enjoying it, but I am deeply thankful for the recommendation that lead me to this volume.

Many of Mate's words resonate within me and offer breathless moments where I stand in the realization that some of my actions are explainable by ADD ... too often his text describes EXACTLY what is happening within me ... They are "WOW" moments that have brought tears to my eyes as I begin to see with some clarity the journey I've trod and the challenges I've faced and the conflicts I've endured.

This is not to dub me blameless, and to say - "It's the ADD ..." but rather, it allows me to understand WHY? some of these things that have happened ...

Last night I read the chapter on Self Esteem and ADD and found Mate's words cutting a little TOO CLOSE TO HOME:

What are the markers of low self-esteem, besides a consciously harsh self-judgement? As mentioned above, an inflated grandiose view of oneself ... Craving the good opinions of others. Frustration with failure. A tendency to blame oneself excessively when things go wrong, or on the other hand, an insistence on blaming others: in other words the propensity to blame someone. ... Argumentativeness - having to be in the right, or obversely, assuming that one is always in the wrong. ... Allowing the judgement of other to influence one's emotions or, its mirror opposite, rigidly rejecting what other may have to say about one's work or behaviour. Other traits of low self-esteem are an overwrought sense of responsibility for other people in relationship and, as we will discuss shortly, an inability to say NO. The need to achieve in order to feel good about oneself. (Scattered Minds - Page 238)

Mate goes on to further discuss the issue of low self-esteem and ADD ... on one hand it is frightening to read words that so closely match what you feel deep within yourself in the dark corners where you sometimes fear to tread ... but then on the other hand, those words shed light in those dank, dark corners and allow one to own and deal with the issue that we have long hidden away and hoped that it would simply go away.

So, today as I read Mate's words a third then a fourth time, I made a commitment that I need to begin to like myself more ... I need to address the issue of low self-esteem. Not by arrogantly saying - "I like myself ... I am good enough ..." but by looking with intention in the mirror that is before me, and taking an inventory of who I am, what I am and all aspects of my character (both good and bad), and making the conscious decision to move FORWARD on a new path ... a path where I like myself better ... it will NOT be an easy journey ... but it is one I need to tread, carefully, thoughtfully, reflectively and openly ...

To assist on the way are some further observations that Mate makes in his book about the world a person living with ADD and low self-esteem occupied. They are words that speak a profound truth about that deep, dark corner of my being that is suddenly being illuminated.

Mate observes:

- the frenetic pace of the workaholic ADD person often is an attempt to numb and deny the emotional pain and to keep the sense of inadequacy out of sight and out of mind

- a person with ADD is prone to giving a higher priority to protecting the needs of others rather than respecting their own personal needs

- a truly important person is one who considers his/her self worthy enough to take one hour every day that can be called his/her own ... Mate (and I too) notes that he had worked so hard and made himself so "important" that he could not beg, borrow or steal even a minutes for himself

As I read Mate's words I couldn't help but say - "THAT'S ME !!!!"

The challenge before me now, is to engage these observations and to chart a NEW course as I move forward ... It's not a case of being all better now ... but instead it is about actively engaging the reality that lies within in new ways as I encounter those moments where my sense of self crashes against the challenging moments I face.

The place to start this process is by liking myself ... taking time for myself ... and addressing the self-esteem issues in a positive and constructive way.

Previously I mentioned a book by David Deida entitled "The Way of the Superior Man" which had been recommended by a friend ... In the book Deida insists that a Superior Man takes one hour each day to do something he really enjoys. He puts no limits on what that something needs to be. He only insists that it MUST happen if the man is to be healthy, whole and happy.

Today I will name and own that I have never really taken the time for myself. I have never felt I was deserving of this honour. I have never looked after me in an appropriate way.

Today that begins to change.

I am deserving of that one hour a day to do what I really enjoy doing.

Starting today, I will intentionally take that hour and spend it doing what I want to do.

Starting today, I will start to intentionally spend time with myself and get to know myself better.

Starting today, I will start to like myself ... it won't be about what others think of me, it will be about what I think of me !!!

Good or Bad - I am who I am ... I need to accept that and learn to live with it, and me ...

Dayenu !!!

Everything is a Nail ???

They say that when you are carrying a new hammer everything becomes a potential nail waiting to be pounded … currently, my new hammer is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) …

After my time at South Down, on the advice of the Doctor who oversaw my assessment there, I purchased a number of books on Adults and ADD. One of them was an affirmation of the many positive things that I have already begun to do in regards to better organizing myself, my time, my schedule and so on.

Others revealed things that have allowed me to look back over my life with reflection and some clarity, and thereby better understand and appreciate the journey have I have been on thus far. Many of the words I’ve read resonated with me and the many struggles I’ve endured over the last few years. One book in particular that I would highly recommend to any one who is themselves struggling with ADD, or have a family member with ADD, is the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate M.D. who himself is an adult living with ADD. Gabor’s book was recommended to me by a school teacher friend in BC who has spent many years working with children who were square pegs being forced into round holes.

Mate’s thesis is that ADD is simply a reality of life, and that those of us who may be living with it are not disabled, but simply different. Through his personal and professional reflections on a broad subject matter, Mate manages to present ADD not as an ailment or a disease, but rather as a blessing or a gift that brings with it both positives AND negatives for the person and those around them.

Most telling was a passage where he notes the Oxford Dictionary definition of sensitive, could easily be applied to that of ADD. He notes that in the dictionary sensitive is defined as follows:

1. very open to or acutely affected by external stimuli or mental impressions
2. easily offended, or emotionally hurt
3. responsive to or recording small changes

Mate then goes on to offer a breath-taking statement of one of the challenges that arises from living with ADD. His last sentence speaks volumes of the challenges faced by those living with the sensitivity that comes with ADD. Mate notes that people around those with ADD will have noticed in the ADD person a touchiness, a “thin skin.” People with ADD are forever told that they are “too sensitive” or that they should stop being “so touchy.” One might as well advise a child with hay fever to stop being “so allergic!”

The bottom line for me is this – If I am an adult learning to live with ADD, I will not be defined by a label. The possibility of ADD has allowed me to better understand my journey thus far and it has opened my eyes to ways to avoid some of the challenges that have historically bedeviled me … I may have ADD … but that simply means that I can better understand myself as I move forward … and that is NEVER a bad thing !!

Today I'm proud to KNOW WHY I'm a round peg !!!

It's ALL Good ...

Last week I was told by the Doctor overseeing my time at South Down that I possess a "superior Intelligence" that is difficult to assign a number to on the scale because - well, to be honest I kind of over shot the test they gave me !!!

This is a reality that I find hilariously funny because I have never felt particularly smart nor intelligent EVER. I've always thought I was pretty mundane and average and have always balked when folks say I'm otherwise. But ... whatever ...

The other piece of this that has been interesting for me was the assessment that I may suffer from a form of ADD. The Dr recommended checking out some resources on Adult ADD and seeing what I thought of it ... I picked up a couple of books on Thursday and over the weekend have been perusing them ... it was startling to see the very real possibility (and likelihood) that I do suffer from some form of ADD. But what was particularly startling was the realization that many of the behaviour modifications that they suggests are things I have, over the last three or four years been doing !!!

For the first time in a long time I'm not actually apprehensive about the future. It will be what it will be. I am more than a label and a diagnosis. I like me, and I I like what I am about in life and in ministry.

One of my friends and colleagues said recently - "you are like a Rottweiler. On first glance you're a big, tough, ferocious and mean dog ... but when people get to know you they find someone who is fiercely loyal, hard working, devoted, loving and even lovable family pet ... the problem is in THEM not you !!"

This week for the first time I can agree with him. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. But I like who I am and where I'm going in this life ... The rest is in the hands of God, and that's a good place for it to be !!!

Tomorrow is a new day ... I'll worry about it when I open my eyes in the morning and not a moment before !!

Dayenu !!! Dayenu !!

A Gift From the Hand of a New Friend ...

Last night I sat in the coffee shop in the basement of South Down,

and had a visit with a new friend ...

over the previous couple of days we'd shared meals at the table together

and had talked a bit ...

Last night we had a long chat and as it ended she shared with me

a quotation she had found earlier in the day. The quotation was:

To know means

to record in one's memory,

But to understand is

to make it part of one's self.