(I ONLY wish this was MY leg ... but I'm getting closer!!).
Today as I was pedalling up one of the long slow rising hills in town, I looked down at my legs working the pedals of my bike ... I was actually shocked for a moment when I realized how defined the muscles of my leg (both the calves and the thighs) had become ... all this biking is paying off ...
.
I knew my legs were getting a good work out, and I knew they had gotten stronger - even the aches have lessened in recent weeks - but I hadn't realized how they had changed physically until today ... I was impressed and more than a little happy ...
.
In that moment I recalled a moment in time a few weeks ago when I stepped into the shower and was shocked as I looked down and realized that my rather rotund Pilsbury Dough Boy-like tummy had lessened AND begun to harden from the exercise regime I have been following ... I was impressed ...
.
Today, I'm even more impressed ...
.
But what impresses me most is the simple fact that these changes to my physical person have happened in such a way that I missed it all ... Today, I suddenly realized it HAD happened!! Rather than seeing and celebrating it along the way ... tonight as I reflected on that simple fact, I thought about how true that is of life ...
.
Change sneaks up on us ... our children are babies, then is seems like only a few short weeks later they are pre-schoolers, then teenagers and soon they are bringing home grandchildren to meet us ...
.
Or on a shorter scale ... we plant gardens and while it takes what seems like forever to see the first green shoots appear, suddenly in a matter of what seems like hours our gardens are lush and green and overgrown ...
.
Change is inevitable ... Change is good ... Last week a wise man told me that life is a dynamic thing that ALWAYS involves and requires change and growth. He went on to explain, that if there is no change there is no growth, and no growth means that there is only stasis and death. So no change means no life ...
.
Our lives are about change ... Gandhi said "be the change you seek". He was talking on a global scale, but on a personal level, we must be the change that we seek ...
.
Unfortunately too often we resist or actively fight change because of FEAR ... Fear itself is a funny thing ... We spend enormous amounts of time, energy and other valuable resources fighting fear, and in the process we forget that important lesson that Franklin Delona Roosevelt who said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself ..."
.
While he was addressing his nation on the occasion of his inauguration as President, his words ring true on a personal level as well ... Too often our fear is not based in anything more than a simple irrational mistrust ... fear of the unknown ... fear of tomorrow ... fear of being wrong ... fear of what people will think ... fear of what people might say ... or most paralyzing of all - a FEAR of being ALONE !!
.
We could inventory ALL of the irrational fears we could think of ... we could lock the doors to our homes and apartments ... we could hide away and never show our nose outside again ... but to what end?
.
Often the underlying issue of our fear is a simple irrational fear of change ... we want everything to stay the same ... we don't want to be challenged ... we don't want to be questioned ... we don't want to be proven wrong ... So we let fear triumph ... we allow ourselves to remain fearful and to resist change ... but without change there is no growth and there is no life ...
.
Over the last few months I can look back on innumerable moments where I stood terrified and paralyzed by fear ... One moment that stands out came the evening I drove across southern Ontario to South Down for the assessment ... I was terrified ...
.
The questions kept piling up in my head ... the fear increased ... then as I drove across the top of Toronto through the rolling hills along Highway 9, I said a simple prayer: "God, from this point on EVERYTHING is in YOUR hands ... I'm here for the ride ..."
.
I under went four of the most grueling, gut wrenching, and inspiring days I've ever put in ... I didn't merely endure it ... I started to enjoy it ... I looked deep within my soul and while some could call it narcissistic, I began to like who and what I found there ... I listened as I conversed with the staff and heard in their questions and comments reflections on me as a person that have been invaluable as I move forward in my journey of healing and wholeness ...
.
There are many who would, and openly DO say that I haven't changed ... that I am the same person who tangled with the business back in 2004 ... the same person who went on the leave last spring ... the same person who was judged unfit this spring ... They will say and believe it ... but that is because they've lost the ability to see the subtlety of change and growth and healing ...
.
Like my legs, or my belly ... the change in me has not been sudden and cataclysmic ... it has come slowly and incrementally ... it has been assisted in the leave taking I had last summer, in the reflections I've had with colleague and friends over the last 18 months, and in more recent days it has been greatly assisted by the assessment at South Down, the reading list I brought with me and the medication I've chosen to take ... I feel a change ... but ... today I'm not in control any more ... it's outta my hands ...
.
I've done what I can do to peel away the layers and to identify the roots causes of what has bedevilled me ... none of it justifies mistakes and inappropriate actions ... but it offers an explanation of "why?" while also providing valuable lessons on how to avoid it in the future ...
.
I'm far from perfect ... indeed, I've learned that I have many deep and dark flaws ... but I'll proudly own every one as I continue to journey towards wholeness and healing!! This is one change I do not fear !!!
.
So to those who dwell in fear ... those who are accepting of the way things are without opening their spirit to what should and could be ... those who are trying to keep everything the way it is without change or growth or progress ... to those who avert their eyes when they look in the mirror ... those who know only paralyzing fear - To all of US (you and I together) - all of us who have let fear in, and allowed fear to paralyze us ...
.
LET IT GO !!!
.
Claim the gift that change represents, and face down your fears. On August 19th I swallowed hard, turned my van to the right and pulled up in front of the fear filled unknown that was South Down ... and the fear vanished and my life began to change ...
.
It's that simple ... let go of the fear ... and embrace the process of change ...
To use a churchy phrase - in that moment The Resurrection will begin ...
.
Gotta leave the last word to one of my favourite bands - Great Big Sea.
The chorus of their song "Let it Go" says it all:
.
Let it Go
Let it Go
This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go
Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
Let it Go
May it be so !!
May we ALL find the courage to let go of the pebbles and leave them all behind us where they belong !!!!
Dayenu !!!
No comments:
Post a Comment