My brother's eyes ...

I'm on a journey ... it is a journey I've spent an inordinate amount of time making while I was insisting that I was "fine" when I wasn't fine at all ... in truth I have been disconnected from myself more and more as I traveled farther along the path ... 

This past week has become a radical turning point for me ... the time has come to find my balance and reconnect with myself ...

Today I was reading Eckhart Tolle and found the following quotation:
 "... people with strong pain-bodies often reach a point where they feel their life is becoming unbearable, where they can't take any more pain, any more drama. One person expressed this by saying plainly and simply that she was "fed up with being unhappy." ... they know that neither their unhappy story nor the emotion they feel is who they are ..."

These words caused me to say "Oh shit ... that's me ..."

I'm unhappy 
I'm tired 
I feel totally disconnected with myself. 
I look around and wonder how things have become so cluttered and out of control and I don't feel like I'm being authentic in the life I'm leading ... I've grown angry and resentful, and a lot of ugly emotion is bubbling just beneath the surface ... 

To be blunt and honest, I DON'T LIKE THE PERSON I'VE BECOME. 

I know inside there lurks a happy, enthusiastic, passionate, inquisitive and fun loving person who has been lost and hidden away for too long ... I know that since the deaths of Mom, Mr Baumbach, Scott, Indigo, Anfinn and Uni, I've lost my connectedness to THAT me ... In the wake of Mom and Scott's deaths I tried to be strong and to be there for my kids. I tried to pick up the pieces and carry on. I tried to heal and resume my life ... 

I FAILED 
I failed on an epic scale!!! 

I broke and I instead of healing I buried the hurt.
The hurt turned to resentment
The resentment grew into alienation 
And the alienation fed a deep anger that coloured everything and left me feeling worthless and unworthy ... 

I pushed EVERYONE including my children away ... 

... and with each push the anger grew ...  

This past week I've come to realize many things. Foremost is the need for me to heal myself and to let go of the unhappiness that has weighted me down ... I need to reclaim me and my life and shake off the STUFF physical and otherwise that is dragging me down ... but my greatest realization comes from the moment when the hearse pulled away from the funeral home carrying mom's body that cold January day in 2011 ... 

As it drove away, I remember turning and looking at my big brother ... he was always the BIG, STRONG, TOUGH one ... he was the one who despite our long history of scraps and fights, could be depended upon to be there to help me through whatever life might throw my way ... he was in EVERY WAY my BIG brother ... but in the wake of mom's death I watched him struggle ... 

That day standing in the parking lot in Tavistock, I turned and I saw in his eyes a depth of pain and sadness that tore my heart out ... he looked so sad, so vulnerable and so lonely ... For the first time in decades I hugged him ... and he hugged me and I felt his body shudder with tears for the first time in almost a week ... 

With ALL of our busy-ness and activity after Mom died, I watched Scott move through many emotions - emotions I shared - but I hadn't witnessed him cry ... 

Until that moment ... wrapped in my arms I felt him weep ... not for long ... for a moment ... but he wept ... 

The look of sadness and pain that I saw in his eyes stuck with me since ... in the short days we had before I found myself burying him too, I prayed that he could find freedom from that pain and sadness ... 

On a brutally cold night in February, I know he did ... as his earthly journey ended, he claimed freedom and peace from the suffering of his mind, body and spirit that had dogged his path for years ... 

But on Monday night, I looked into the mirror and I saw Scott staring back at me ... not a ghostly apparition but rather I saw in my own eyes the SAME pain and sadness that I had witnessed in my brother's eyes ... I saw Scott looking back at me, because like the little six year old boy who struggled to make sense of a world turned upside down by the death of his beloved Daddy, I was struggling to make sense of a world that had been turned upside down over and over and over ... 

On Monday night ... I looked into the mirror and didn't see even the slightest spark of joy and I knew in that moment something was wrong ... something was wrong and it was time to stop pretending "I'm fine ..." 

I'm NOT fine ... like my brother, I carry deep hurts and deeper sorrows ... like Scott I yearn for peace ... but on Monday I made a choice to stop the direction of my journey, and to find my way back to a place of balance, a place of wholeness, a place of true joy ... the joy I have long said motivates me, but that I have lost my connectedness with ... 

I looked into my brother's eyes, and committed to healing myself and living whole ... Scotty ALWAYS smiled ... looking back it was his coping mechanism .. looking forward it will be my goal to smile more, and to allow the joy that lies within to overwhelm and dominant my being ... 

In my healing I will choose to let go of the unhappiness and instead choose joy ... the true joy I've celebrated frequently, but struggled to experience myself ... this week, I looked into my brother's eyes and out of love for him. for my children, for my friends and most of all for ME, I have chosen to reclaim the spark of joy and fan it back into a raging inferno ... 

The journey has begun - one breath at a time ... one conscious, mindful breath ... 

TO LIFE !!! 
TO JOY!!!!

A funny think happened along the way ...

Almost three years ago, I mused about the power fear sometimes has over us, and I proclaimed OPENLY my trust and my belief that one day I would find myself in a better place ... (click here to read 'Fear is a Funny Thing' from July 2008)

Last night driving home from a visit with my mom, and having to struggle with some of the health and age related issues she is confronting in her life right now, I got thinking about what it means to face our fears, trust in God (or the cosmos) and live fully present in THIS MOMENT (in the NOW that Tolle speaks of).

While I didn't come up with any answers, I kept thinking about the Gide quotation that is part of the entry from July 2008, and the other bits and pieces I cited there ... I kept thinking over and over that sometimes we have to let go of the comfortable and the familiar to find ourselves where God wants us to be, and more importantly, where we NEED to be to find the wholeness that is required ... in July of 2008, had you told me that I would be where I am now I would have scoffed and said "Never."

Yet, along the way I had the courage to let go of some stuff ... I had the ability to see some other stuff that needed work ... and I put my trust in God to see me through ...

Along the way, I've moved TWICE, lost my job TWICE, worked a dozen part time gigs, discovered my voice as a writer, engaged in serious and intentional social activism, found myself outside of the United Church only to be cared for and nurtured back to wholeness by a wonderful group of Presbyterian folks, and I found myself encountering again and again and again the gift of God's grace.

Has my life been perfect? NO.

Have I made mistakes? Oh yeah, a few and then some.

But along the way, I've found a place of contentment and joy by trusting in God to see me through ...

Last night over and over I heard in the back of my mind the mantra by Gide about consenting to lose sight of the comfortable shoreline before us, and to trust in God to carry us through the storms and out into the open ocean so we can discover new lands ... Today, many aspects of my life are new and unexpected, while others are familiar and comfortable, but overall, when it feels like the storms unfolding around me are about to overwhelm me, I do truly find myself reflecting back on the understanding I found almost three years ago in the midst of all that was swirling around me, and I find myself smiling and saying: "OK God, it's up to you ..." and I content myself with seeing where the journey will take me ...

Life is too short to take it too seriously ... sometimes we need to just let go and trust in God to see us through. The affirmation to that came this morning in my early morning devotional as I read a passage my Standish, who said it is vital for Churches to find themselves in a place where they simply trust in God, and live their faith as a VERB not a noun ... he cites an example of a Chruch stressed by budget concerns, and rather than calling a special meeting, or making a special appeal for funds, they opted instead to trust in God through prayer to see them through ... it worked.

Life is like that sometimes ... what we want, may not be what God wants for us, nor is what we need ... sometimes we need to simply let go and be present to the moment and leave the rest in the hands of God, our higher power, the cosmos, fate (whatever term you wish to use), and see what unfold ...

Today, looking out my window, I realize that life isn't about the destination ... it's about the journey. And to fully enjoy the journey sometimes we simply have to let go and see where we'll end up.

Today, looking back over the last four or five years, I can say honestly I've drifted to a lovely place physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, and it wouldn't have happened without having the courage to let go and see where life was about to take me !!!

Dayenu !!

A revisit and a reaffirmation ...

Krishnamurti once offered his secret of life ... his answer was simple and succinct: "I don't mind what happens."

Eckhart Tolle tells the tale of Zen Master Hakuin, who lived in a town and was held in high regard by many people who came to him for his spiritual teachings. One day the teenaged daughter of his neighbour was discovered to be pregnant. When asked who the father of her child was, the terrified teen answered "Hakuin".

The girl's parents rushed to Hakuin's house and confronted him angrily and with accusations based on their daughter's revelation.

The learned man replied only with the words: "Is that so?"

As news of this scandal spread, The Master Hakuin lost his repuation. But this did not trouble him. No one came seeking his wisdom, but still he remained un moved.

When the child was born the girls' parents took the baby to Hakuin and said - "you are the father, you can look after him ..."

Hakuin took the child and cared for him with great love and care. Then a year later, the teenaged mother confessed to her parents that she had lied, and the real father of the child was a young man who worked nearby.

The parents were deeply distressed when they went to Hakuin to apologize and ask his forgiveness.

Hakuin's reply was "is that so?" as he handed the child back to his mother and grand parents ...

Tolle cites this story as an example of living present to this moment, and remaining apart from the drama and the value judgment of the events unfolding ... Hakuin, in replying "is that so?" is allowing the moment to be what the moment will be, with no value of good or bad brought to bear. Rather than taking personally the happenings around him, Hakuin accepts what is, and
releases himself from being enslaved by the events and happenings. Hakuin finds contentment by not allowing the world around him to determine his happiness or his unhappiness.

He remains present to the moment, and simply accepts what is happening as it happens ...

By Tolle's admission, this step is a challenge for some. In the introduction to his book "A New Earth" he ackowledges that many are not ready for this shift in consciousness, and they will only benefit from his writings, and the healing they and other resources offer, when they are ready and open ... the challenge is to overcome the veil of delusion (called maya in Hinduism) that convinces us that our 'normal' is healthy and alright ...

I value Tolle's counsel to stand fully present to this moment -to the NOW, as he calls it:

"when I don't mind what happens, what does that imply? It implies that internally I am in allignment with what happens. "What happens," of course, refers to the sucness of this moment, which always already is as it is. It refers to the content of this moment - the only moment there ever is - takes. To be in alignment with what is means to be in a relationship of inner non-resistance with what happens. It means not to label it mentally as good or bad, but to let it be. Does this mean you no longer take action to bring about change in your life? On the contrary. When the basis of your actions is inner alignment witht he present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of life itself."

Tolle goes on to share the story of Hakuin, which he then uses to explain the vital importance of checking one's ego and choosing instead to live present to THIS MOMENT:

"To the ego, the present moment is, at best, only useful as a means to an end. It gets you to some future moment that is considered more important, even though the future never comes except as the present moment, and is therefore never more than a thought in your head. In other words, you are never fully here because you are always busy trying to get elsewhere.

When this pattern becomes more pronounced, and this is very common, the present moment is regarded and treated as if it were an obstacle to be overcome. This is where impatience, frustration, and stress arise, and in our culture, it is many people's everyday reality, their normal state. Life, which is now, is seen as a "problem" and you come to inhabit a world of problems that all need to be solved before you can be happy, fulfilled, or really start living - or so you think. The problem is: for every problem that is solved, another one pops up. As long as the present moment is seen as an obstacle, there can be no end to problems ..."

For many, Tolle's counsel - a counsel grounded deeply in the spiritual traditions of humanity - is about living present and fully in THIS MOMENT - in the now ... and for some it is an alien and uncomfortable place, but for others, it is the ONLY place to find wholeness and healing ...

As Tolle says - when you're ready, living in the Now just makes sense ...

Be Present to the moment ...

In doing my prep for Sunday morning I found a passage in Eckhart Tolle that caused me pause ... In the Advent season of waiting and anticipating, one can easily get too caught up in the preparation and find one's self in a place of anxiety waiting for the unfolding of Christmas, or one can be so fearful of the season that one can find one's self in a place of anger, resentment and negativity. The challenge for the season, and indeed the calling of faith that resonates as we make our way to Bethlehem is to be present to the moment in which we stand, and to wait actively for the events to unfold ... we can neither hurry, nor tarry, but instead we need to simply make the journey both through Advent, and in our daily lives, step by step:

Negativity is not intelligent. It is always of the ego.

Whenever you are in a negative state, there is soemthing in you that wants the negativity, that perceives it as pleasurable, or that believes it will get you what you want. Otherwise, who would want to hang on to negativity, make themselves and others miserable, and create disease in the body?

So, whenever there is negativity in you, if you can be aware at that moment that there is something in you that takes pleasure in it or believes it has a useful purpose, you are becoming aware of the ego directly. The moment this happens, your identity has shifted from ego to awareness. This means the ego is shrinking and awareness is growing.

(Eckhart Tolle - Oneness With All Life, pg 117)

The Advent Season is a reminder to engage in active waiting by living in full awareness of this moment ... this moment is ALL there really is.

Dayenu !!

Addiction or lack of awakening ??

Between the "reality" programmes that crowd the tv dail, and the steady diet of what amounts to tripe (in it's fullest sense) I've long ago given up on much of the American entertainment industry as the shallowest of wading pools, that is increasingly contemptable ... it is not so much a case of "Who cares?" about the lives of folks like Paris, Hilary, Brittany, Lindsay and their ilk ... it's more a case of WHY WOULD YOU CARE????

I have no doubt that they are nice enough people and are some of them are talented in their own rights, but I doubt they are really worthy or deserving of the freakish adulation that is extended to them by the modern entertainment juggernaut.

The latest headline that caught my eye was at CBC.CA and read simply: "Duchovny enters rehab for sex addiction." The story is sparse in details but rich in titillating and suggestive comments about what is ailing Mr Duchovny ... without revisiting the story nor adding to the rabble, I wonder if Mr Duchovny's problem isn't so much an addiction, but rather an inability to deal with reality after living in the hot house that is the celebrity world ...

Let me explain ... on CTV.CA they had the follow up story: " Sexual Addiction Label is Controvertial" which discusses the debate in academic circles about whether sex addicition is an addiction at all ... the bottom line seems to be the dehumanizing and commodification of sex in our modern society ... Perhaps folks like Mr Duchovny, who has been married to one of the "beautiful" fantasy woman that many other men lust after discovered that she was human like everyone else ... she wakes up with morning breath ... she has to trim her toenails ... she has to engage in the ordinary mundne, very un-sexy human behaviour that is involved in life, and as a result the FANTASY that is carefully created in the media withers and dies ... and having been fed a steady diet of a world view that has been entirely fantasy fueled - there is simply and sadly an inability to cope ...

And so he turns to porn and other measures to meet the empty ache that results from the death of the fantasy ... a new fantasy needs to be created - a new dream chased because the reality of having the "Hot Girl" isn't as good as the fantasy ... I wonder if that is part of the reason many celebrity marriages fail? They partners begin to believe the fantasies about each other or worse about themselves and the rocks of reality they WILL strike are simply too much to deal with ...

I would suggest that the problem is not with Mr Duchovny nor with his "addiction" (whether it is an addicition at all not with standing) - the problem is with a society that has commodified EVERYTHING and in the process has sacrificed its own soul ... the allure of the fantasy and the escapism it has offers has taken precedence over the rewards of reality and the beauty that it represents ... what is seemingly needed is a societal wide grounding in the NOW ... facing the present moment and living fully within it as Tolle would say ... not chasing after the fantastic rainbows that our dreams may offer, but rather standing in the rainy grey moments of now and finding pleasure, fulfillment and JOY in the moment ...

I don't doubt that Mr Duchovny has a problem, I just doubt it is an addicition per se ... I would humbly suggest that it is simply an emptiness created by a substanceless industry that is about distracting us from reality ... and that is perhaps the saddest truth in ALL OF THIS ...

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Today at Post Secret ...

Somebody has been reading Tolle ...

... there is SUCH profound truth in this card ... too often we convince ourselves that what we HAVE is all that we deserve rather than owning the yearnings of our souls and naming the reality was not only DESERVE, but want, and are at times too filled with fear to seek much less achieve ...

... and sometimes, the very thing we define as love isn't love at all ... it is as, Tolle says - our pain-body seeking to feed and sustain itself while calling it "love" and convincing us that it is ...

To read the rest of this week's secrets at Post Secret, click on the pic ...

Time well spent ...

Having no cable, and lousy antenna reception meant working my way through my dvd collection ... even after watching the first three seasons of Hawaii Five O I found the need to go and rent some new flicks overwhelming ...

Thanks to Rogers Video in Brandon I rented over 21 videos in a two and a half week stretch ... after a long day at work, tearing around Brandon looking for a house to purchase (which proved successful), and getting household chores finished while packing, crashing on the couch with a video proved to be a good way to unwind ...

I watched numerous movies - some good, some bad and some mediocre ... but two that stood out were My Life as House, which I've watched a dozen times before, and The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson as two men who meet in a palliative care ward following a diagnosis of terminal cancer ...

Freeman's character, a car mechanic with a vast wealth of trivial knowledge covering almost every topic from the profound to the mundane, and Nicholson's character, a billionaire investor who buys the hospital he suddenly finds himself confined in, make an unlikely yet highly enjoyable pairing.

It's not a GREAT movie, but it has a profound lesson.



The two men look back on their lives and wonder if things could have turned out differently ... in seeking to accomplish ALL the things they wrote on the list of items they would want to achieve before kickin' the bucket, they learn that life is a precious gift and that simply settling for the way things are is an utter waste of time, energy and life ...

Like a page out of Eckhart Tolle, the two men journey focused only on the NOW (after all, that's ALL they have) and without fear claim life in its fullness. They go and do all the things they want to do - but in the end realize that LOVE is the one unalterable reality in life ... love of family ... love of friends ... love of self ...

Love that accepts us without condition or hesitation ... love that is more than a warm pink fuzzy from external influences ... love that is free of fear and hesitation ... love that gives wholly of itself and in return receives back no less ... love that is precious and rare, and that too often we flee rather than embrace ... love that comes from within, as we confront our Pain-Body and set ourselves free of its stifling influence ...

The words "I can't do this ..." have no place in love ... for in love there is no hesitation, no fear, no doubt, only the full acceptance of THIS MOMENT, freed at last of the Pain-Body that spins a tail of deception, half-truths and delusions ...

Love is a precious gift if we have the courage to claim it ... and too often we allow our ego (our pain-body) to convince ourselves that we are "in love" when we are merely feeding our fear, our ego, and our Pain-Body ... the lesson of The Bucket List is to embrace life and to live fully present to the NOW, free of our Pain-Body ...

Sadly though, it is a lesson that is lost on many ... and many more simply will not open themselves up to the awakening that naming the Pain-Body represents ... it is safer to settle and live a life that our ego has convinced us through the short-sighted delusions that arise from our Pain-Body is ALL WE'RE entitled to ... we suppress our yearnings for more, convincing ourselves we've gotten what we're entitled to, and what we deserve, even if the core of our beings tells us otherwise ...

The Bucket List underscores the lessons of Tolle ... and Tolle helps remind us to focus on ourselves and to live life fully present to this moment ...

Just one word:

This morning when I went on line I noticed with some surprise that My Own Woman who blogs over at The Perpetual Search for Personal Nirvana had posted an entry called - "For That Preacher in the Prairie."

Intrigued I popped over there to have a look ... and I was delighted to find an entry offering words of encouragement and support ... Her observation about nerves being raw and exposed rang very true ... This past week I've come to realize that one of the burdens I carry is that I have long ago recognized that there will never be growth nor healing nor wholeness if one doesn't own fully the pain that they feel ... Too many people spin quiet lies to protect themselves and shield themselves from the reality they simply don't want to own up to. Unfortunately for me, I'm not about to let someone I care about simply and blithely continue pretending that everything is OK when it clearly is not - I WILL and I DO speak out ... and I tick off people around me by saying what they simply don't want to hear!!!

How many abusive relationships continue for years because one partner says - "BUT, I love him ..." and denies THEIR personal pain ???

How many people live quiet lives of desperation, blaming EVERYONE else for all the lousy things that happen rather than looking in the mirror and holding THEMSELVES responsible for their lives and their mistakes??

How many people BLAME everyone else for stuff but portray themselves as innocent victims?

How many people will be scape goated by those unwilling to own thier responsibilities and find it easier to posit the blame on the "other" than look at their own lives ???

The list could go on and on ... I see it every day ... I've lived it with those I've called my friends ... I see it in the look of horror that crosses the faces of people who have fallen for and devoured with zeal the lies and nonsense told about in the community by small mind vicious ignorant asses who have nothing better to do than tear everyone else down so they can feel a tiny bit better about thier pathetic meaningless existence !!!

AND I FOR ONE AM TIRED OF IT !!!!

I have never tried to temper the pain I feel ... I wrestle with it ... I struggle with it ... I've spent many a night weeping in the dark praying it could go away ... but it hasn't ...

Instead, I've grown ... I've healed ... and most importantly, I've taken steps towards healing and wholeness ... and along the way have encouraged my friends and those I care deeply for to do the same ...

Some of them have ... but some are simply not ready ... they are not ready to confront their pain-body and own its presence in their lives ... and so they continue to live in a place where they simply HIDE from their pain and their fear and they refuse to enter the long dark night of the soul that is required to reach the healing dawn at the other side ...

Sadly, they erroneously believe that their happiness will come from outside influences and factors ... they compromise themselves and deny themselves a place of wholeness and healing by allowing the story thier pain-body feeds off of to continue unchecked ...

It's sad ... but My Own Woman helped to remind me today that when you begin to accept the reality of THIS MOMENT and own it ... you begin to temper the rawness of exposed nerves ... in short - the pain and fear finally begins to lessen and you trust in the Cosmos to carry you through to where you NEED and DESERVE to be: a place of wholeness, a place of contentment, a place of happiness where you are no longer plagued by niggly little doubts ... but feel whole from within ... (for the record - I'm not there yet - but for the first time I'm pretty sure I can see it from here ... but I'm not worrying about it ... I'm concentrating on THIS MOMENT and being thankful for it, and leaving the past and the future to themselves !!!)

Over at The Perpetual Search for Personal Nirvana though, I found powerful words coupled with a lovely video of a Bruce Cockburn song with images of BC that took me to one of my Axis Mundi's ... and for that I can only offer my profound thanks and say that I am deeply touched and moved by this simple act of kindness ...

THEN, when I came here to create THIS post I found the most lovely comment up stream a bit, left by a blogger known as heartnurse, who blogs over at A Nurse's Life of Quiet Despetation where she periodically posts some reflections and such ... Her comment is very much appreciated:

It is too bad thte UCC has to crucify it's own. But, did you ever notice that those who are guilty and have a guilty conscience always take it out on others. I can see them getting rid of child abusers, which they have not been sucessful at, by the way, but people who have a different opinion and want to speak could make the church grow. People from the outside can easily see this and you will too.The problem with organized religion (any) is that there are people there.


So, to these two women (both of whom are in the healthcare field), I say a hearty thank you ... and offer my appreciation for stopping by, but more importantly, for adding your thoughts ...

You're always welcome here, as are your words and your wisdom !!!

Thanks KT ...

A comment left earlier today lead me to revisit the following:

The Zen Master Hakuin lived in a town in Japan. He was held in high regard and many people came to him for spiritual teaching. Then it happened that the teenage daughter of his next-door neighbor became pregnant. When being questioned by her angry and scolding parents as to the identity of the father, she finally told them that he was Hakuin, the Zen Master. In great anger the parents rushed over to Hakuin and told him with much shouting and accusing that their daughter had confessed that he was the father. All he replied was, "Is that so?"

News of the scandal spread throughout the town and beyond. The Master lost his reputation. This did not trouble him. Nobody came to see him anymore. he remained unmoved. When the child was born, the parents brought the baby to Hakuin. "You are the father, so you look after him." The Master took loving care of the child. A year later, the mother remorsefully confessed to her parents that the real father of the child was the young man who worked at the butcher shop. In great distress they went to see Hakuin to apologize and ask for forgiveness. "We are really sorry. We have come to take the baby back. Our daughter confessed that you are not the father." "is that so?" is all he would say as he handed the baby over to them.

The Master responded to falsehood and truth, bad news and good news, in exactly the same way: "Is that so?" He allows the form of the moment, good or bad, to be as it is and so does not become a participant in human drama. To him there is only this moment, and this moment is as it is. Events are not personalized. He is nobody's victim. He is so completely at one with what happens that what happens has no power over him anymore. Only if you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness or unhappiness.

The baby is looked after with loving care. Bad turns into good thorugh the power of non-resistance. Always responding to what the present moment requires, he lets go of the baby when it is time to do so...
(Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth, pg 199-200)

All will, in time be revealed ...

Today I felt like Obi Wan Kenobi in the FIRST Star Wars film when he grips himself and says with a gasp - "I just felt a disturbance in the Force ..."

All day I felt uneasy and troubled ... it is hard to describe other than having a sense of foreboding about something ... it wasn't work - things were great ... it wasn't family stuff- there's a calm on that front ... there was just something not feeling right ...

Over the last year I've mused about my Animal Totem (the Vulture) and my Animal Energy (the Tiger) and pondered how they influence me and my way in the world ... It is said the Vulture Totem brings with it a view of the world that includes the gift of seeing the auras around people - sensing on a visceral level, what is happening within the other person ...

A few weeks ago a friend seemed distant and troubled when we spent time with each other ... something didn't seem right - I had a sense there was something unspoken ... SO ... I tried in a foolish way to find out what was going on, to act on my "spidey senses" ...

It turned out badly ... accusations were tossed around ... unkind words were lobbed my way ... and statements were made to me that made absolutely no sense what so ever ... I retreated ... licked my wounds ... and entered a period of profound introspection that helped me refocus and finally really grapple with the teachings of Eckhart Tolle ...

The bad became, in the outcome a relatively neutral thing ... but I have still been troubled by the apparent disconnect that this brutal gut-wrenching exchange brought into being ... None of the things said made any sense, and the ferocity by which they were said left me reeling ... to say I felt like ALL OF IT CAME OUT OF THE BLUE, is an understatement ... Yet, things were and are what they are ... and a seeming gaping hole developed in a friendship I had come to value and even cherish ... and I could make no sense of it ...

Tonight though ... my unease grew deeper and deeper and my sense of foreboding grew deeper ... a phone call just as the work day ended brought me news that saddened me greatly and caused me to feel profound sadness for a life that has so much potential that continues to be unrealized and simply tossed away ... and still my unease persisted ...

Then I had the moment of realization that not only caused the unease to suddenly disperse ... like the all seeing Vulture circling overhead on the thermals, or the tiger lurking in the dense undergrowth - EVERYTHING that had transpired and that had been said made 100% sense ... the nagging "why?" was answered ... and the accusations and the harsh insistences that had been tossed about so casually made complete sense ...

In that moment I learned two things ... the first is I need to start trusting my gut when it comes to feeling things that are intangible ... AND the second realizations was that the PROBLEM is NOT me ... I'm doing okay ... I'm being open, honest, caring and loving ... I'm not the one who has anything to hid, nor have I ... The introspection I've been doing has been immensely helpful - but the motivation was because of rejection and accusations by someone I still care about, but who was being less than fully open about things ... the problem is clearly NOT MINE.

I grieve the demise of a friendship that I had come to value ... but as Tolle would say - "this thing has happened because it has happened ..." and the rest is outside of this moment ... and I remain open to whatever the cosmos will offer ...

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Wise man that Jesus guy ...

I remember my first undergraduate classes at McMaster University when we began to study - and I mean REALLY study the words of Jesus as they are found in the Gospel materials ... I was blown away at the radical tone and blistering content of his words when they are understood in the context of his time.

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His words were at times harsh and comforting.

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He was unapologetic and unabashed in his condemnation and criticism of the authorities of his day.

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He challenged everyone from priest to pauper to revision the world around them and live their faith in a more open common senseical way.

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In short, Jesus was a wise and wonderful radical voice calling on those around him to envision the way things COULD be rather than simply shrugging their shoulders and accepting the way things ARE ...

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This week as I've drawn into a quiet reflective place in my journey, and spent time intentionally focusing on THIS MOMENT, I've come to appreciate the power that lurks behind Jesus' words.

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Over and over his teachings offer a short and pithy reminder of what we should be focusing our energy and time on, and HOW we can fill our life with the abundance that Tolle speaks 0f (see my previous posting here) when he notes Jesus offering the gift of life in ABUNDANCE.

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This week as I've come to acknowledge my pain body and begun breaking free of its power over my reality, I've come to appreciate what Jesus really meant when he said - "How can you pick the speck from your brother's eye when you have a LOG in your own?"

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It is a concept I've struggled with for a number of months ... but this week I've come to appreciate how debiliating AND common a phenomena that really is ...

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I can see in the lives of people around me the places where they need to focus their attention and do work to heal themselves and move to a place of wholeness ... I could inventory with names and dates the places where their respective pain bodies have lead them to lash out in fear and anger, rather than enter a refelctive place of healing and wholeness ... I could cite example after example of how and where THEIR pain bodies are active and brutish ...

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But to what end?

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To do so, would be to point out the speck in THEIR eye, while the log in mine remains lodged and untended ...

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Instead, I need to focus on the log in my own eye, and find ways of lessening its control over me and my journey ... I need to quiet the voices that continue the cycle that serves only to feed the negativity that the pain-body needs to survive and grow ... I need to be present to THIS moment and release myself from the power and control my ego and my negative story have over me ...

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I wonder if the related quotation from Jesus in this moment is his counsel to "turn the other cheek" ... instead of dwelling on the nasty things that have been done to US, we instead need to be present to the moment and draw from those incidents the lessons and learnings that have brought us to THIS moment and recognize that there is no positive or negative in those actions by others ... they simply are what they are, and it is what we decide that makes them positive or negative or neutral ...

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To point at the speck in my brother's eye serves only to feed my pain-body and provide an "a-ha" moment that boosts my ego (negatively) and feeds a desperate pain-body ...

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Today I won't consciously chose NOT to feed my pain-body, but instead I will chose to live present in THIS MOMENT and let the other - the past - the present - the stories - simply go ...

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There are those who WILL continue to point to the specks in my eyes, and pick fault with me, and take offense to the things I've said or done ... I can't change that ... I can only entrust them into the keeping of God and the Cosmos and know that one day they will have a transformative experience where they not only acknowledge the presence of their pain-body, but they may begin to experience the space around their pain-body that will allow them to fully expereince the need to begin embrace their own journey of healing and wholeness which will bring them to a place of being present to THIS MOMENT!

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As for me - Today I'm alive ... and this moment is pretty good ...

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In this moment, nothing else matters ...

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Wise guy that Jesus character ... he knew ALL of this 2000 years ago ... maybe someday we'll finally start to listen ...

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Starving the psychic parasite - Part Two ...

Who ARE YOU??

"Unconscious people - and many who remain unconscious, trapped in their egos throughout their lives - will quickly tell you who they are: their name, their occupation, their personal history, the shape or state of their body, and whatever else they identify with. Others may appear to be more evolved because they think of themselves as an immortal soul or a divine spirit. But do they really know themselves, or have they just added some spiritual sounding concepts to the content of their minds? Knowing your self goes far deeper than the adoption of a set of ideas or beliefs ..." (Eckert Tolle - A New Earth pg. 186)

"Who are you??"

Yet, another ubiquitous question.

I "KNEW" the answer to that question, or so I thought ...

I could provide my name, my educational background, my role as husband, my role as father, my role as minister, highlights of my career and my volunteering, my place as friend, and my orientation as a rabble-rouser, a feather ruffler, a rule-bender and an iconoclast in the fullest sense of that term ... I knew myself ... or so I thought ... I could answer the question - "Who are you?" with a full and prolonged response ...

BUT ...

I've come to realize that ALL of those things that once defined my self understanding were transient and were the creation of an ego trapped in and fed by a story motivated by an enormous pain-body ... ALL of these things I understood myself to be, were not reflective of ME, but were the projection of my ego attempting to define me ...

Over the last three years, I have watched as each of these masks have been wrenched from my hands and I have been forced by their loss to look more deeply into myself and learn more about who I really am ...

Previously I used the roles I played and the positions I occupied to shield myself and allowed the negativity of my pain-body to feed a story that helped to define myself in a "safe" and "secure" place even if it was profoundly negative ...

Tolle observes a similar process in those who are defined by an illness or a chronic condition:
"You may think and speak of yourself as a "sufferer" of this or that chronic illness or disability. You receive a great deal of attention from doctors and others who constantly confirm to you your conceptual identity as a sufferer or a patient. You then unconsciously cling to the illness because it has become the most important part of who you perceive yourself to be." (pg 51)

My "illness" that defined me and justified a "pity party" approach to life that became self-justifying, and in itself a self-fulfilling prophecy was lived and expressed as a negative story that was expressed outwardly in negative energy ... I lived the negativity and the pain ... and as it flowed back upon itself, the story experienced a perverse "A-Ha!" moment where the story was justified by the outcome, which was first motivated by the negativity ... it was a catch-22 of negativity, pain and anger ... and it had to stop ...

"Who are you??"

Today, I can honestly answer - "I don't know ..."

I am alive ... I am a father and a friend ... I exist ... I have a job ... I have hobbies ... I have interests ... and I am still in ministry in some form ... But, beyond THIS MOMENT, I can't say more than: I'm a human being, and I'M ALIVE!!! (and maybe that is MORE than enough!?)

The challenge is to free oneself from the labels and the understandings that are transient and that serve only to feed the fragility of the ego ... Instead one needs to be fully present to the moment that says - "I exist. I'm alive. I AM." and silences the "woe is me" mantra that has been part of the story - the inner voice - the patterns - that have defined one's self ...

The challenge is to break free from these limiting things, and to fully embrace the present moment and all that it brings:

"You are never fully here because you are always busy trying to get elsewhere." (pg 202)

"Who AM I?"

In this moment - I am simply ME.
I am alive.
I am intelligent.
I am well read.
I am enthusiastic.
I am passionate.
I am a father.
I am a friend.
I am a son.
I am a brother.
I am simply - ME.

In this moment, the ONLY thing I can say for certain is that I am ALIVE,
and I am in the midst of a life of great abundance.

Everything else - every label, every role, every understanding - that can be applied to me limits the ability to be fully present to THIS MOMENT, and to fully embrace the journey of life that I continue with each step, each breath, each moment ...

I am alive in this moment ... I am me.

That is the answer to WHO ARE YOU ... the rest I have to let go ...

As Tolle says - "the fullness of life is at every step ..."

May it be so ...

Towards an Abundant Life ...

Driving lately, I've been listening to Eckert Tolle's "Living a Life of Inner Peace," on CD.

Among many pearls of wisdom he notes that "Life is NOW ... " and acknowledges the inter-connectedness of the entire universe with life ...

But one startling piece was when he was speaking of finding gratefulness in the face of an abundant life - a life we already have.

He notes that we don't have to be grateful, but appreciate in gratitude what is around us as it is ... Tolle observes that in that place of mindfulness we recognize that we have ABUNDANT LIFE ... he then delves into Christian Theology when he says:

"The expression Jesus used, 'I want you to have life, and I want you to have it abundantly,' Jesus said 'abundant life,' he said, 'The DEPTHS of life, the depths of ALIVENESS.' He was not talking about MORE things, not that kind of abundance. he did not say 'I promise you consumer goods and shopping malls." Because when we speak of abundance we think of more things - NO DEEPER. So the abundance, even if you only have ONE object or two objects in your life, you give them attention - you look - you touch, and when you give attention DON'T use them as a means to end or some kind of self story around it, and say - 'look at me' ... pure, give something attention without self, just attention. Acknowledge its being. Look at it, touch it, pick it up, see it ... Immediately when you give something attention a gratefulness comes with that - an aliveness. That's ABUNDANCE, and then because it's the depths of abundance that's ABUNDANT LIFE. Ultimately you're getting in touch with that which is without form in you ... "

In THIS moment life is abundant and life simply is ...

Acceptance of this is what it is about ... acceptance of what is, is living in The NOW, and that's where I am ...

Dayenu !!

Starting to STARVE the psychic parasite ...

"... emotion from the pain-body quickly gains control of your thinking, and once your mind has been taken over by the pain-body, your thinking becomes negative. The voice in your head will be telling sad, anxious, or angry stories about yourself, or your life, about other people, about past, future, or imaginary events. The voice will be blaming, accusing, complaining, imagining. And you are totally identified with whatever the voice says, believe all its distorted thoughts. At that point the addiction to unhappiness has set in.

It is not so much that you cannot stop your train of negative thoughts, but that you don't want to. This is because the pain-body at that time is living through you, pretending to be you. And to the pain-body, pain is pleasure. It eagerly devours every negative thought. In fact, the usual voice in your head has now become the voice of the pain-body. It has taken over the internal dialogue. A vicious circle becomes established between the pain body and your thinking. EVERY THOUGHT FEEDS THE PAIN-BODY, and in turn the pain-body generates more thoughts ... "

(Page 147 - A New Earth by Eckert Tolle)

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HOW ARE YOU?

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A simple question. A mundane question that is asked a thousand times a day in one form or another ... a ubiquitous question to which our usual answer is "Fine."

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How are you?

Fine, how are you?

Okay ...

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But are we?

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Are we really fine and okay ... or is that simply the easiest answer to offer to avoid looking more deeply into ourselves and confronting the reality that lurks within?

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When I'm asked - "how are you?" - my usual answer has been "Fine," but I've come to realize who misguided that answer has been ... seldom have I really been fine ...

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"For someone possessed by a heavy pain-body, it is often impossible to step outside his or her distorted interpretation, the heavily emotional "story." The more negative emotion there is in a story, the heavier and more impenetrable it becomes. And so the story is not recognized as such, but is taken to be reality. When you are completely trapped in the movement of thought and the accompanying emotion, stepping outside is not possible because you don't even know that there is an outside. You are trapped in your own movie or dream, trapped in your own hell. To you it is reality and no other reality is possible. And as far as you are concerned, your reaction is the only possible reaction." (pg 173-74)

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With a heavy pain-body, the answer to the question - "how are you?" is a simple "Fine," because there is no comprehension of the vicious circle of reality in which you yourself trapped ... the voice in your head, a voice of pain and unhappiness is the only voice you hear ... and so the answer is - "Fine" ... and the answer is wrong ...

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"At this moment, this is what you feel ..." (pg 165)

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I've come to realize the presence in my life of that voice that tells and retells the story of my pain-body ... a story that is feeding itself with the negativity of thought and action that are in turn created by the story itself ... the vicious circle is fully engaged ... and as painful as it may be to realize this, in this description, Tolle is right:
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"The pain-body is an addiction to unhappiness. It may be shocking when you realize for the first time that there is something within you that periodically seeks emotional negativity, seeks unhappiness. You need even more awareness to see it in yourself than to recognize it in another person. Once the unhappiness has taken you over, not only do you not want an end to it, but you want to make others JUST AS MISERABLE as you are in order to feed on their negative emotional reaction." (pg 145)

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This week I've come to realize that my pain-body has NOT been dormant, but has been active as it has been feeding the ego the story of unhappiness I have come to believe is the ONLY story of my life journey ... a story that folds over on itself and feeds the pain-body, which in turn continues to create that story by making it happen in order to continue to feed and grown ...

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I have been unhappy ...

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I have defined myself by that story ...

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I have fed that unhappiness by telling and living that story over and over ...

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"HOW ARE YOU?"
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In this moment, I am unhappy ...

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To a woman who came to him and shared her story of unhappiness Tolle asked:

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"'At this moment, this is what you feel,' I said. 'There is nothing you can do about the fact that AT THIS MOMENT this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept the fact that this is what you feel right now?'"(pg 165)

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When the woman accepted the FACT that she IS unhappy - IN THAT MOMENT, she feels a space forming around her unhappiness ... being unhappy begins to matter less and less, and its control over her begins to diminish.

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Tolle observes that you can not be unhappy without an unhappy story.

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Unhappiness is fed and justified and perpetuated by telling and retelling the story, and with each telling living the supposed "truth" of that story by saying - "there, this proves my unhappiness ..."

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Tolle notes that;

"that moment she (the woman) stopped identifying with the feeling, the old painful emotion that lived in her, the moment she put her attention on it directly without trying to resist it, it could no longer control her thinking and so become mixed up with a mentally constructed story called "The Unhappy Me."" (pg 166)

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In that moment, as Tolle notes the pain-body begins to diminish not only its control, but it's self. It is a diminishing that comes not by fighting it and denying its presence in our lives, but rather by drawing it into the light of our consciousness and admitting that it exists, and that it HAS had control over us ...

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The Zen Buddhists call us to "SATORI" - literally stepping out of the voice in your head by finding a moment of presence where the inner clutter of thought and emotion is silenced, and the voice is muted, and we stand present to the moment and NOTHING ELSE.

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In this moment, I am not trying to be happy ... I'm not trying to NOT be unhappy ... I'm not trying to do anything, but to be present to THIS moment ... I want to live in this moment fully, as I am, without my pity party story being told and re-told ...

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"When you feel the pain-body, don't fall into the error of thinking there is something wrong with you. Making yourself into a problem - the ego loves that. The knowing needs to be followed by accepting. Anything else will obscure it again. Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the is-ness of the NOW. You can't argue with WHAT IS. Well you can, but if you do, you suffer. Through allowing, you become what you are: vast, spacious. You become whole. You are not a fragment anymore, which is how the ego perceives itself. Your true nature emerges, which is one with the nature of God ..." (pg 184)

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"How are you?"

In this moment ... I'm okay ... I can feel the space around my unhappiness ... I am ALIVE !!

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... the journey continues ...

Dammit ...

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I hate it when I read something that hit TOO close to home ... but with measured reflection, I know that I've been guided to it for a reason, and the challenge before me is to wrestle with my feelings and my response and to get to a better place ...

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This week I read a passage (one I had read previously and marked with the word 'ouch!! this hits a little too close to home!!') and realized that I had read the words and recognized the truth in the words, but I never took the next step ... Yesterday acknowledging the reality of a very active, very dense pain body that I have been feeding through my thoughts and actions made me realize the profound truth in Tolle's words:

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Sometimes people with such dense pain-bodies become activists fighting for a cause. The cause may indeed be worthy ad they are sometimes successful at first in getting things done; however, the negative energy that flows into what they say and do and their unconscious need to enemies and conflict tend to generate increasing opposition to their cause. Usually they end up creating enemies within their own organization, because wherever they go, they find reasons for feeling bad, ad so their pain-body continues to find exactly what it is looking for. (A New Earth, pg 152)

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Yup ... a little too close to home ...

No where is the dreamer or the misfit so alone ...

SO ... I went to the RUSH Concert in Winnipeg ... it was alright ... an almost full house ... the music was TOO DAMNED LOUD ... you felt Peart's drumming at times more than hearing it - and I LOVE his drumming ... his 9 minute solo in the second act was AMAZING ... he ended with a Jazz riff that was completely AWESOME ... I'm glad I went ... but I went with a troubled heart ...

The last RUSH concert I went to was in Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens back in 1986 during their Subdivisions tour ... this concert compared pretty well to it ... but like the Concert in 86, this one was one I went to with a mixed bag of emotions ... I had been looking forward to going, but like Lennon said - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans ..."

I can't say I went for any other reason than not letting the tickets go to waste ...

A friend emailed me today saying: "Try and put a bit of your heart into the show, let it take you back to a time and place that was good and happy for you, that's what music should do.... Unfortunately sometimes it takes us to a not so good time or place, but that doesn't sound like the case for your and RUSH" I realized at the concert that for me RUSH doesn't take me to a place that is good and happy ... in truth there are only three moments in my life when I can say I was in a place that was good and happy ... May 21st 1994 ...September 23rd 1997 ... and May 20th 1999 ... ( author's note: the correct date IS, as Ms H reminded me in the comments today, September 23rd 1996, not 1997 as I erroneously wrote above ... I remember the day of her arrival in the world very well ... and for the error in dates, I apologize profusely! )

What RUSH brings me and has always brought me is - ESCAPE ... complete escape from everything else ...

Today on the drive into Winnipeg and home again, I listened (really listened) to Eckert Tolle's CD of A New Earth ... the piece I listened to was chapter 7 - "Letting Go" where he talks about letting go of our pain body ...

Over the last couple of weeks I've come to realize that my pain body is perhaps stronger than ever ... and has adversely affected many aspects of my life lately ... I've thought I was getting better ... in the last 72 hours I've come to realize how wrong an assumption that was ...

Reading the email from my friend and realizing that the music of RUSH has always been an escape for me made me realize that almost ALL of the music I listen to has a negative association to it ... I'm feeding my pain body ...

Tolle offers that the first step in diminishing and ultimately dealing with your pain body is by accepting its presence and owning the reality that it exists at all ... by naming and accepting the presence of the Pain Body, you are diminishing it's control of yourself ...

Today as I considered the extent to which I have allowed my life to be defined and determined by my pain body I realized how deep and dark it is ... and how powerful it has become within my life ... I realized that I am not in the "good" place I thought I was ...

The first step in dealing with a pain body is admitted it exists ... I know mine does ... my pain body exists and is manifest in a profound unhappiness in my person ...

There, I said it - "I'm UNHAPPY !!" and THIS isn't new ...

Tomorrow we begin the journey of living independent of my pain body ...