It hit like a wave ...

Today I spent some time at Mom's sifting and sorting ... I went through accumulated piles of newspaper clippings, cards, notes, photographs and other assorted items that have been tucked away over the last 40 years ... it was a process I have done a dozen times since Mom and Scott died ... some days it goes well, and other days it crashes in on me and I have to retreat ...

Today went well ... I even had an unexpected visit from a high school friend ... with laughter tinged with a few tears we got caught up and marveled at how quickly two and a half decades had passes, and how easy it is to resume our friendship where it left off ... as she left, I returned to the task smiling at the strange twists and turns life frequently takes.

I kept sorting and sifting, then decided that the errands I had decided to do while in Stratford should be done while I still had the 'oomph' to face people ... When I got back I couldn't bring myself to do any more work ... I can almost point to the precise moment when the wave crashed over me and robbed me of the ability to muddle my way through ...

I was left staggering around like a wet survivor of a tropical storm, a tsunami or a hurricane ... I felt overwhelmed and alone ... I didn't know where to turn, or what to do next ... I felt lost ... SO, I sat in a chair in the living room and listened ...

I listened to the hum of the house that for 43 plus years has been home ...

I listened to the whisper of memories that has for almost 50 years been my family story and our history ...

I listened to the echo of laughter and tears that have marked every step of our journey ...

I listened to the voices of mom and Scott that I dearly miss, but that I hear within every time I close my eyes ...

I listened to the hum of conversation around the kitchen table that often lulled me to sleep while mom visited quietly with family and friends in the evening ...

I listened to the voices of extended family and the many friends who filled the now quiet walls of our house with laughter, conversation, and a myriad of memories that give me the courage I need to face what lies ahead ...

I sat and a second wave washed over me ... this one was comfortable and familiar and helped me shake the chill of the first wave ... as it ebbed away I had a vision of what I need to do to get Mom's house cleaned out, and our home packed up and moved ... there are things that need to come home, things that need to go to other family and friends, things that need to go out to the Bush, and there are things that need to be passed on to others through sales, auctions and donations ... as I sat I knew it was possible despite the feelings of being overwhelmed I get when I move from room to room in the house that is empty of people but far from empty of stuff ... the stuff has intimidate and scared me ... some days I feel there is too much, and I would be better off to lock the door and just leave it for some day in the distant future ...

But today, I know for the first time that it is not only possible, it is necessary to my healing ...

I will always carry a void in my life left by Mom and Scott, and the others I've loved and lost ... but with each step forward, this scar brings strength and helps me continue on my journey ...