In recent months I've moved from being an obsessive blogger to being an occassional blogger to spending weeks not blogging at all ... it's not that I don't have things to reflect and muse on, it's just I've been feeling SO overwhelmed by life, the universe and everything that I have opted to spend my downtime playing pointless online and computer games rather then reading, writing or blogging ...
Gearing up for the opening of my dream of a Fair Trade Coffee Shop and retail outlet in Flesherton called Highland Grounds, and ALL of the work that has entailed has absorbed enormous amounts of my already precious spare time ... along the way a full time job, being a parent, traveling to and fro for hockey, and just trying to keep up with life has kept me too busy. Many days I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't want to answer emails, I just want to lie in my bed and simply be.
Looking back, I understand what has been going on ... since January 2011 when Mom died, followed too quickly by Mr Baumbach, Scott and Indigo, I have been left reeling ... I barely had time to catch my breath and wipe away my tears before another significant person in my life died ... as as I grieved, so too did my children ... and they needed me for support, while I struggled just to keep moving forward ...
My habit of stubbornly putting my head down and simply ploughing forward helped get through the mess I found myself in, but did little to address the burdens I was carrying, or the sorrow I was experiencing ... "I'm fine" became my defensive position and I kept more to myself then I care to admit to ...
Looking back, I can say clearly I was far from fine.
There is much I wish I could unwind and re-do ... but life seldom gives us that opportunity.
Instead we keep moving forward, ask for forgiveness where we can, and learn from our bruises with the hope (sometimes in vain) that we'll learn from our mistakes and perhaps avoid the same actions in the future.
This past two weeks, my health crashed in a way I haven't experienced since the deep dark days in Bella Coola that helped me see then, that it was time to seek a change in Pastoral Relations before the ebbs and flows consumed me and did more damage to people and a place I valued ... This time around my crash has been purely and totally about exhaustion,
I've gone too long doing too much and not looking after myself, all the while saying "I'm fine."
Last week whatever bug that hit me, managed to prove the falseness of that claim.
Now after nine LONG days of being sick, I am feeling better. I am far from 100%, but I'm feeling much better then I have in the last week.
I am on the verge of Holy Week - the most exhausting and exhilarating week in our Church calender - and I am not sure where my energy levels will be. But, from where I stand right now, I know that as I have 20 times previously, (with one notable year I was sidelined!!), I will get through the events and happenings. Over the last three years the dark shadowy corners we speak of in Holy Week have been deeply personal places where my grief and sorrow has been real and sharp ... thankfully though, the intent of our Easter Journey is not to sit forever in those dark shadowy corners, but to continue from the suffering and dying to a place where we stand blinking in the sun of a new morning proclaiming the power of the Resurrection.
If I were to describe where I sit today, I would say it is like sitting on the hillside on Easter Saturday as the sun is setting ... I've come to grips with the suffering and the dying ... I've lingered in the quietness of the graveyard ... I've know the depth of loss that has unfolded and overwhelmed us ... and yet, in the quiet setting of the sun I also KNOW that something extraordinary is about to unfold ... something transformative is about to be revealed ...
Easter is about daring to journey into the dark and shadowy places knowing that God is with us and that together we WILL stand blinking in the sun feeling the power and warmth of the Resurrection ...
It's a journey made one step at a time ... we will always have mis-steps and moments when we want to sit and weep ... but in time we will be able to look back at our travels through the deep, dark valleys and realize how much brighter and better things are getting ...
... this is the path of faith we are called to follow ... a path of life, love and laughter!
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