Some days ...

I remember the first time I KNOW I hit bottom ... I was sitting outside watching the fireflies drifting in the wind ... it hurt to breath ...

The little flutter of light gave me hope and kept me moving forward. I found myself living the advice I've given to many people a thousand times - One breath, one step, one moment at a time ...

I took the journey as it came ...

Right now I am in a similar place ... I look around and absolutely love the coffee shop and what it has become, yet I struggle because as amazing as it is, I feel little joy from it. I yearn to have a reason other than work to get out of bed each day ... I yearn to have SOMETHING to look forward to ...

And I'm struggling to help my children with their relationship with their mother who has continued to live selfishly and thoughtlessly towards them - even after 21 years it still shocks, surprises and saddens me that she can't put her children foremost, even once ... late night texts from a daughter trying to talk to her mother and saying over and over "she WON'T listen" breaks my heart and makes me deeply sad ... it is a replaying of what lead to the failure of our marriage ... our children deserve better but their own mother can't see it ... and I stood silently too long and let this become the norm ...

In this moment, I struggle to find hope ... I know it is there, and with everything I have been through I have no doubt it is there. I just struggle to see and feel it right now ... I struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other ...

And ultimately, today is all about putting one foot in front of the other and making the journey and praying it will get better ... I know I am tired spiritually, physically, and mentally and that is not helping ... but I also wish I could set right some of the things in the past that I screwed up royally ... I wish I could turn back the clock and treat some people the way they deserved to be treated instead of letting my anger and my hurt and my pain get the better of me ...

I wish I could look around me today and feel the breeze of promise and hope that should whirling around ...

Maybe tomorrow ...