Remember the little ditty:
"Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me ..."??I know mom was trying to be helpful when she taught it to us - but really, can we say that words are NOT hurtful?
I've watched in the life of my children the power of words, both those spoken and those withheld. There is a piece that many parents encounter that says - "If a child lives with ... she will develop ..." It's a series of statements that remind us of the power of words, and the profound impact they can have on the lives of our children.
As parents we are careful to nurture and encourage and build up our children. We protect them and try not to belittle nor humiliate them.
I remember reading a parenting book that said over and over, "Never say - 'you're stupid', when criticizing your child. Always direct your criticism at the action, not the child. Instead say "that action was kind of silly ... but I still love you ..." I remember reading that and thinking - "wow, what a great concept ..."
I love my children, but I don't always love some of the things they do. But what is important is making sure that they know when they are appreciated and when you disapprove of their actions. I will always love my children, but there are moments that I don't really like what they've done ... expressing our disapproval needs to be done with care and love ...
Likewise, expressing our support and our encouragement needs to happen too. If we never praise our children (or our partners, or our friends, co-workers and so on) what kind of example have we set?
I read a story this week that reminded me of the power of words ... It seems a man was heading down to the coffee room at work and he passed the office of a co-worker that he hadn't spoken to for quite awhile. He passed the door and thought - "I should see if he want to join me for coffee ..."
He stopped and backed up an said - "Hey, you wanna join me for a coffee?"
The co-worker was surprised and looked startled, but said "sure ..."
They went for coffee and had a lovely time chit chatting about nothing in particular. They laughed and told each other stories and jokes before they went back to work.
The next day the first man was visited by the co-worker. The co-worker confided in his refound friend how much the offer of coffee meant to him ... he went on to explain that he was sitting in his office contemplating opening the office window and jumping out ... his life had taken some bad turns and that very morning his wife had walked out on him, leaving him utterly alone.
The co-worker was deeply wounded and feeling utterly unloved and unappreciated. He sat watching the clouds pass on the horizon and had come to the conclusion that no one really cared ... he was about to open the window and leap when a head popped in the door way and said simply: "wanna join me for a coffee?"
In an instance care was offered - simple words were spoken and a life was altered ...
In the life of a child, offering words of care and support can mean the difference between a love filled with nurture and love and a lonely life bereft of these things ... In the life of our friends, co-workers and neighbours, words of care and support can sometimes make all the difference in the world.
I learned in the Native Tradition the value of simple words like "Thanks ..." and how potent a single word can be ... It's too bad that sometimes we choose to say nothing at all, or worse we simply forget ...
May we in the coming days remember that sticks and stones AND words can hurt or heal ... and may we have the courage to be a healing people:
If A Child Lives With. . .
by Dorothy Law Nolte (altered slightly)
If a child lives with criticism. . . . . . . .he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility. . . . . . . . she learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear. . . . . . . .he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with jealousy. . . . . . . .she learns to feel guilt.
If a child lives with tolerance. . . . . . . .he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement . . . . . . . .she learns to be confident.
If a child lives with praise. . . . . . . .he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance. . . . . . . .she learns to love.
If a child lives with approval. . . . . . . .he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition . . . . .she learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with honesty. . . . . . . .he learns what truth is.
If a child lives with fairness. . . . . . . .she learns justice.
If a child lives with security. . . . . . . .he learns to trust in himself and others .
If a child lives with friendliness. . . . . . . .she learns the world is a nice place in which to live
