I'm tired ...

I'm tired ... not the "need sleep" kind of tired, but the bone weary tired that borders on a hopeless depression ... the kind of tired that comes from having to spend too much time and energy trying just to survive ... the kind of tired that comes from lying in bed at night wondering how and when things will begin to turn around and I won't have to keep making excuses to my bank and my creditors and utilities about when I will get caught up on what I owe them ... the kind of tired that comes from wondering when and where and HOW I will find full time employment and no longer have to count pennies to buy milk to feed my kids ...

n

I'm tired.

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But in that exhaustion I am content with my life ...

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I don't like having to work four part-time jobs for minimum wage ... but I'm deeply thankful for having each of them, and even though bouncing from one to another is both physically and mentally exhausting, having them at all means I can at least survive ...

n

I don't like having to rely on the charity and kindness of others ... but as I stop by Samaritan House Ministries to visit and refresh my spirit through much needed conversation with my friends there (friends who have been there to pick me up and dust me off a dozen times, to offer the blessed gift of laughter when life seems dreary and dark, friends who may not appreciate how much they mean to me) and as I take the day old bread and bagels they offer to supplement the food on my table, I am deeply appreciative of their presence in my life that is a true blessing of mind, body and spirit ...

b

I don't like having to roll pennies and watch my spending and having to say "NO, I can't afford it ..." when my children want something as simple as a dvd rental on the weekend ... but as I consider the plight of people in Haiti, Afghanistan, Louisiana, Pakistan, and other troubled corners of the world where want is deeply felt, I realize how fortunate I truly am, and how full my life really is ...

b

I don't like pretending that everything is okay when I feel the sting of rejection from within the Church I have called home for all of my 42 years ... having people avoid me in the mall ... and receiving FOAD* letter after FOAD letter to my applications and resumes hurts more than words can even tell ... but then I stand before a non-United Church congregation that has been loving, kind and gracious over the last year that we've journeyed together ... like Nouwen's wounded healer, they have tended to my bruises and wounds as I have gained strength and courage to help tend to theirs ... in our woundedness and brokenness we've found a place of healing and the gift of wholeness that IS God's gift of Grace ... and along the way a faint glimmer of hope has begun to glow in the darkness by a community that has not forgotten that ALL are members of the Family of God, and that living a Gospel of Inclusivity means loving the outcast and the cast offs ... and they've whispered words of hope through the lonely darkness ...

f

I don't like worrying about my finances and my well being while I try to slap on a smiling happy face that says "it's okay ..." I'm hurt and angry ... I'm tired - exhausted to the bone ... and I am growing impatient ... I KNOW things will turn around - but after a year of under-employment ... after a year of struggling to make ends meet and failing miserably ... after a year of sending off in excess of 75 resumes and having exactly ONE interview about a prospective job ... I'm TIRED of pretending it's okay ...

l

No one chooses to be poor.

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No one chooses to be under employed.

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No one chooses to be rejected by the one place where grace and care is supposed to abound.

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NO ONE CHOOSES TO LIVE in a place where Hope is something that takes energy to maintain.

I'll be the first to admit that I continue to be lucky and blessed, and fortunate when I compare my life to others ... and I KNOW that one of the lessons that these bruises have taught me is to no longer quietly accept the status quo and continue to blithely pretend that things are okay ...

k

This week I was asked to describe myself in one sentence ... I came up with - Shawn is a preacher, a social activist and a writer.

k

This morning while I was standing in the backyard with Oboe and Flute as they did their morning constitutional in the bitter cold, I realized that perhaps the greatest opportunity that the last few years has taught me is the opportunity to reflect from a first hand perspective what it means to move from being one of the people who builds, maintains and runs the service provider agencies to being one of those who actively sets policy and lobbys governments and politicians on behalf of these agencies to standing in line and having receive the help they offer for myself, not because I chose to see what the help is ... but because I have to receive that help ...

k

There is NO shame in a meteoric fall from grace ... there is in fact opportunity !!

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Opportunity to share these experiences.

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Opportunity to tell what it's like to take day old bread because you're out of options.

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Opportunity to put a face to the biggest non-issue facing our society today.

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Politicians have forgotten about the homeless and the poor.

h

Politicians and Churches are eloquent in sharing words of concern about the marginalized.

h

Politicians and Churches and Communities leaders are good at the photo ops and press releases.

h

But along the way they've forgotten that the poor can not survive by mere words and handshakes of concern ... they need real and tangible help ... and today I've come to realize that one of the aspects of my ongoing ministry, is to reflect back on the last five years of my life and share the gleanings that have come from seeing from different perspectives the poverty industry that keeps growing but fails to address the root of the problem.

x

Poverty no longer frightens me ... but realizing the depth of my exhaustion has made me realize that while my journey has been relatively uncomfortable, there are many out in our communities who have it far worse ... and while I could engage in a pity party about how bad my life is, I'm pretty fortunate ... but someone has to speak up and speak out about a problem in our world that is not only solvable, it is totally and completely unacceptable.

x

No one chooses to be poor.

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I did not choose to be marginalized, rejected and out cast ... and while I may never be welcomed back into the circles of Grace that supposedly exist within the Church, I will do everything I can to illuminate the issues of poverty and marginalization that exist within our Churches, our communities and our world ...

x

I will speak, I will write and I will advocate from a place of weakness and marginalization, and I will no longer be intimidated by the anonymous threats and the stinging rebuke of those who react from fear ...

x

As a wise man once said - "the Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because God has chosen me to tell the Good News to the poor, God has sent me to announce freedom for prisoners, to give sight to the blind, to free every one who suffers, and to say, 'this is the year The Lord has chosen."

x

I will not follow the lead of the United Church and timidly ask - "If that's okay with everyone ..."

I will not be afraid.

I will not be intimidated.

AND I will not be ashamed.

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I will claim my prophetic voice and let the Spirit lead me where She wills ...

x

Today the Scriptures are coming true in your hearing ... and NO ONE is going to be throwing me off a cliff either !!!!!!!!!!!!

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I am a Minister and I am going to live the Good News.

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(* FOAD - def'n: F--- Off And Die!!)