Right now I find myself struggling with the Season and all that it represents ... some days I really don't want to get out of bed, and even on my good days I'm not really looking forward to Christmas and all that it brings ...I am looking forward to having all three kids here, and I am looking forward to gathering with my extended family/clan for something OTHER than a Funeral ... but I enter the Holiday Season acutely feeling the absence of Mom and Scott ... and that colours everything I do, think and feel.
I am feeling particularly Scrooge like ...
What bothers me though is the response I often get to admitting that I am not feeling very Christmasy.
"Oh why not? It's a great time of the year ..." is met with a deep sigh and a struggle to unload the sorrow I feel within.
"But it's Christmas. No one should be sad at Christmas ..." brings forth the urge to say that MANY people, myself included really don't like the Holidays and this year is even more burdensome.
Overarching this I have to wonder why people feel so insistent that the Holidays MUST be joyous and happy ... Even at the best of times I have never really enjoyed Christmas and have struggled to throw on a happy face ... this year at least I can stumble into the Season with those around me knowing and ACCEPTING that it will be a difficult journey for me, and that makes this more bearable.
This year, instead of wishing folks a facetious "Merry Christmas", I for one, will unapologetically be amongst those who stand in the deep darkness and know in time the words of the ancient prophet will come to pass, and we will once again find ourselves bathed in light ...
... and that is perfectly acceptable!
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