Some days ...

I remember the first time I KNOW I hit bottom ... I was sitting outside watching the fireflies drifting in the wind ... it hurt to breath ...

The little flutter of light gave me hope and kept me moving forward. I found myself living the advice I've given to many people a thousand times - One breath, one step, one moment at a time ...

I took the journey as it came ...

Right now I am in a similar place ... I look around and absolutely love the coffee shop and what it has become, yet I struggle because as amazing as it is, I feel little joy from it. I yearn to have a reason other than work to get out of bed each day ... I yearn to have SOMETHING to look forward to ...

And I'm struggling to help my children with their relationship with their mother who has continued to live selfishly and thoughtlessly towards them - even after 21 years it still shocks, surprises and saddens me that she can't put her children foremost, even once ... late night texts from a daughter trying to talk to her mother and saying over and over "she WON'T listen" breaks my heart and makes me deeply sad ... it is a replaying of what lead to the failure of our marriage ... our children deserve better but their own mother can't see it ... and I stood silently too long and let this become the norm ...

In this moment, I struggle to find hope ... I know it is there, and with everything I have been through I have no doubt it is there. I just struggle to see and feel it right now ... I struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other ...

And ultimately, today is all about putting one foot in front of the other and making the journey and praying it will get better ... I know I am tired spiritually, physically, and mentally and that is not helping ... but I also wish I could set right some of the things in the past that I screwed up royally ... I wish I could turn back the clock and treat some people the way they deserved to be treated instead of letting my anger and my hurt and my pain get the better of me ...

I wish I could look around me today and feel the breeze of promise and hope that should whirling around ...

Maybe tomorrow ... 

A confession and acknowledging some truth ...

I am proud to be the owner and proprietor of a lovely little coffee shop in the downtown of our little rural village. It has been an incredible journey that began long before I ever came to Flesherton. In the last few months there has been  A LOT of hard work put into bringing Highland Grounds into being - but as I stand and survey what we've achieved (and it took a team of people to make this happen), I can't help but think - Is this all there is? 

Not because I'm unhappy or discontent - but because something is missing ... and it has taken me a while to figure it out ... 

Tonight I posted the following on Facebook - and I expect that it, like a previous musing on the nature of apologies that I directed at my children, will be removed ... so, I offer my words here because I realized tonight I've stood silently for far too long when I should have spoken, and I've failed to speak the truth when I should have ... and as one who values the role of prophet, and who has long stood up for what is right, this has not rested well with my soul, and has contributed to the un-ease in my soul ... So, what I said on Facebook was:

21 years ago this week I began the journey of marriage ... I was young, naive, insecure and devoted ... In time I became a doormat and I became angry and resentful and bitter ... In time I opted to leave because it was growing worse not better ... but it was messy and confusing and hard ... In time my path crossed with a beautiful soul that I treated horribly and pushed away ...today I see the toxicity playing out in my children and I weep at what they've learned ...

Selfishness is never part of a healthy relationship - taking while seldom giving is abusive, looking out only for oneself is childish and toxic, and having to bury the hurt and sadness and pain doesn't address it - instead it comes out where it shouldn't.

I owe my children an apology for being a poor parent at times and allowing them to think being an angry doormat was normal for a parent.

I owe Sam, Hannah, and Rebekkah an apology for offering such a bad model for their lives and relationships and I hope they can learn from past mistakes. You bore the brunt of the anger arising from the pain I was enduring in the illusion of LOVE and for that I'm deeply sorry.

I also owe Lori and Shaun an apology for much ... The pendulum swung too far from being a victim and I hurt both of you deeply. I should have done many thing very differently, and I could only see what slipped through my fingers after I hit bottom.

I try to be the strong one, but recently I've come to realize that my true strength was not found in being in control, but in allowing my hurts and my wounds to heal ...

I've long said our bruises teach us great lessons ... Today I will admit to my bruises AND I WILL cast aside the illusions and posturing ...

Today I am sorry for much and I will seek to make the future better than the past ... I can't change the past but saying "Sorry" means owning the hurt we've caused and seeking the healing and wholeness of the one we've wronged!

So, tonight I am laying this 'out there' for ALL to see ... I tried to make my marriage work, not for the sake of the children but because I cared deeply for my partner ... but the treatment I received made me angry and resentful and bitter and it slowly poisoned the waters ... I was once told by a well meaning friend that I shouldn't "slam the mother of my children" by admitted to the ill treatment that went on - but today I look at my children and see them playing out the sad and toxic example they learned too well ... and for their sake, that has to stop - and sadly, the only way for it to stop is by being open and honest and admitted to our faults ... the very heart of an apology. 

 I also have to acknowledge, that when I moved from Manitoba to Ontario I came with a partner I wanted to build something new with ... she was smart, funny, beautiful, kind and caring. She was a great mom to her son, and was most of all an amazing friend and companion ... but out of fear and my deep insecurities, I was secretive about her presence in my life, and in my commitment to never be a doormat again, I swung the pendulum too far in the opposite direction ... the stresses this caused were devestating for L, and her son, and the hurt caused by my boorish actions are in many ways unforgivable ... I was deeply, deeply wrong, and there is no justification or excuse ... my hurt and pain, my fears and insecurities, complicated by the sudden death of my mom and my brother tore my heart and soul apart and instead of allowing the people around me in, I shut them out and acted badly ... and in time drove them away ... something I have deeply regretted since it happened, but have only recently acknowledged ... 

A few weeks ago, as I opened the coffee shop I was carried on a bouyant wave but something was amiss ... as I became more and more exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I came to realize what it was ... this ache and pain within - the pain body as Eckert Tolle calls it - was consuming me ... I was angry and resentful and that was colouring everything around me ... it came to a head recently when plans for shuffling kids back and forth between BC and Ontario were being discussed and some painful realizations were made ... 

I demanded an apology from the kids' mom and she half-heartedly offered one that continues to ring hollow ... I dug in my heels and refused to bend this time ... and the end result was the realization of how the toxic behaviours of the parents have been passed on to the children ... I see in my children and unhealthy selfishness that seeks to ease some inner pain by demanding more and more and more, and never being satisified, but more worrying to me is the mirror I look into that shows me the development of a doormat who will do EVERYTHING imaginable to appease and please an insatiable and unappreciative partner ... I weep at the recreation of me and my foolish behaviour in my children ... 

THEY DESERVE BETTER. 

And I for one, will do my utmost to ensure that what is modeled from here on, is better than what they've witnessed and experienced. No one deserves to be treated like an object by someone who purports to love them - love is about care, respect, understanding, and justice. A loving relationship ebbs and flows and sees the partners working together, sharing, being cooperative, and being caring towards one another ... all things that were lacking in my marriage ... I will never say their mother was a bad person, she isn't ... but she has behaviours and attitudes that were and remain hurtful and toxic and even though she would utter the words "I'm sorry" a thousand times - the behaviours NEVER changed ... 

My children deserve better ... I wish I could take back the anger I unjustly unleashed at them ... I wish I could go back and stand up for them more often ... I wish I could re-do many things from their childhood and their journey into adulthood ... I am thankful they are strong, intelligent and aware individuals, and they have a lot of the good I saw in their mother, and I strive to share - and can still turn back the behaviour that is troubling and troublesome ... 

If I can teach them nothing else, I would teach them as adults to OWN their behaviour - make amends as need be, and live the apologies that we sometimes have to make. But most of all, if you claim to love someone - then treat them with the SAME care, consideration, kindness and love that you want to experience. Don't treat them like an object, and NEVER NEVER NEVER show off in front of your friends by casting them aside and treating them like dirt to impress someone who could careless anyway. A so called best friend should never come BEFORE a partner or spouse - EVER!!!

I carry great resentment about how I was treated whenever certain people showed up - these moments should NEVER have happened, and instead of confronting it - I shrugged my shoulders and buried the pain ... and that pain never eased and never went away ... 

I am far from perfect - I have made my share of mistakes ... but tonight as I posted my thoughts on Facebook I realized that I want nothing more than to be loved and cared for ... I want someone to fuss over me a little bit once in awhile, I want to receive actual presents for Christmas and my birthday, I want to feel valued ... those were things my marriage never had as priorities, and that lead to deep resentments and anger that tonight I begin to let go of by naming THE TRUTH, and speaking what others foolishly convinced me should be kept secret. 

My children deserve to be in relationships that are affirming, nurturing, loving and mutual - things I never got from my marriage, and things I failed to offer to Lori when she ventured into my life ... I need to do better for my children, so they can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do much better in their own lives ... 

 No one deserves to be treated like dirt in their own homes by someone who claims to love them ... that is not love ... it is a joke, and I know I tried to offer what I never received, and the downward spiral only sped up ... it takes two to make a marriage work - 21 years ago I begged my newly wedded bride to please meet me half way on something ... she didn't then, and she never did after ... I kept trying to appease her until it finally destroyed our marriage, and almost destroyed me. The repercussions of that toxic selfishness continued to reverberate throughout my life and affect many aspects of my life beyond my relationships and parenting ... somewhere the toxicity has to be stopped!!

My children deserve better!! 

And Lori deserved much better.

Tonight publically I say - I'm sorry, and will strive to live a meaningful apology. I've heard the words "I'm sorry" spoken thousands of times, but the behaviour never changed, the attitude never changed, the treatment never changed ... there were glimmering moments where it seemed like change was possible, but then that light was crushed into oblivion and the old ways rushed back ... My commitment tonight and in the coming days is to live my apology and to seek in all things to treat people with dignity, respect, care and compassion, and that begins with the people closest to me - because if you say "I love you," you don't treat them like garbage ... it's such a simple lesson really, I marvel that in 21 years its lack is being revealed in the failure of it to be passed on to our children ... 

I will do better from this day forward!! 

The people I love deserve nothing less ... . 

  

Our Grand Opening - July 6th 2013 !!!

And so it begins ... or rather continues ...

Highland Grounds opened its doors on June 1st 2013, and has been running since.

Yesterday we held our Grand Opening and with the help of the Duncan family, who built the Duncan Block we call home in 1932, local politicians and dignitaries, and members of my family, we cut the ribbon and officially opened our doors for business.

A crowd of thirty to forty people came and helped us celebrate by tucking into the enormous 29 INCH chocolate chip cookie, the massive rice crispie square, and the GORGEOUS cake prepared by local baker Bonnie B.

Coffee and conversation flowed all evening as the shop ebb'ed and flow'ed with people, and lots of folks came and went offering thier best wishes and leaving after having tried the very best coffee we have to offer!

The evening ended with a fabulous musical coffee house with an assortment of local talent and lots of good music, great coffee and fantastic conversation.

All in all, it was a good way to kick off this crazy new venture ... it is truly a journey JUST BEGUN!!!

And so the journey takes a new and exciting turn ...

And so it begins ...
At 8 Toronto Rd in bustling downtown Flesherton - at the junction of Hwy 10 North, and Grey County Rd 4, A new business venture has opened ... it is the long awaited, much anticipated Highland Grounds Coffee Shop ... a venue that specializes in high quality Fair Trade and Social Conscience products:

The Duncan Room pictured below is a nod to the heritage and history of the building Highlands Grounds calls home - named after the three generations of the Duncan Family who ran the hardware store that formerly occupied the space - The Duncan Room now is a place to sit and savour a cup of Fair Trade Coffee and cruise the internet on the local WiFi.

And the best part of this ... is that all of it is the fulfilment of a dream to own and run my own business.

Highland Grounds is open 7 days a week from 5:30 am to 9:30pm Monday to Friday and 10:00 am to 9:30 pm Saturday and Sunday ... we have a wide range of Fair Trade products available and are looking forward to expanding our selection in the coming weeks ...

Stop by ... we're here to promote our community, and offer a very good cup of coffee at a very good price!!

Cheers

They rush in where angels may fear to tread ...

My colleague/friend and former class mate Rev. Audrey offered a reflection this morning on her blog 'Am I The Rev in black?" about the recent sacrifices experienced by First Responders in West Texas when a fertilizer plant exploded, and even when we consider the First Responders who were part of the tragic events in Boston ... as I read her words my mind wandered to the Memorials dedicated to Fallen Peace Officers that I have visited - Memorials where I find the name Constable S.E. Ankenmann, etched in the stone or glass ... The fallen First Responder, whether they are Police, Fire or EMT - reminds me of the sacrifice my family made when Dad died on duty with the OPP.

I still remember a 'good' church member in Manitoba telling me after the shooting of four RCMP officers in Alberta, that "you really need to get over it, it was a long time ago that your dad died ..."

It was a long time ago ... but it is something I am reminded of every time I read or hear of another First Responder who dies doing what they are trained and called to do.

The firefighters who died when the fire at the fertilizer plant exploded reminded me ... Audrey's words today reminded me ... watching the footage of the funeral in Boston for a fallen officer reminded me ...

I take solace that despite the every increasing number of names on memorials scattered across the country that acknowledge the sacrifice of the few, there are many officers who put on the uniform and step out the door each day willing to do what they do, and willing to face what ever danger or risk may be inherent in the job.

We can make fun of our police, fire and EMTs, and poke fun at the stereotypes that they often embody - but at the end of the day, we can't escape the simple undeniable FACT, that when there is danger, it is the First Responders who are rushing in while others are running out.

If there is an accident, a bombing, a fire or any other happening that shatters lives, it is the men and women in uniform who are the first one scene, and who try to bring order out of chaos and ensure the safety of all involved - and for that I remain grateful.

My prayer today is that perhaps fewer names will be etched and carved on the memorials as we begin to value not only our first responders, but each other, and we move away from a predilection for violence, and chose instead a desire for respect and peace ...

... maybe one day ... in the meantime, I offer grateful prayers of thanksgiving, and continue to pray for our First Responders and their families ...

The more time I spend with people ...

 

Okay, I'm gonna just say it: THE MORE TIME I SPEND WITH PEOPLE THE MORE I APPRECIATE AND LOVE MY DOGS!!!!!!!

Mind you, it's not ALL people ... just some ... but increasingly that latter category is fast outstripping the former!! More and more people I met strike me as more than slightly challenged!!

My observations of late have caused me to conclude that the word "NO" is truly an anathema to some people. They can't bear saying it, and they never want to hear it - yet, if we learn to say it properly and appropriately, we could spare ourselves many irritating and aggravating moments. 

I've also noted in the Church circles that too often we want to avoid even the slightest hint of having to hurt someone's feeling. The pendulum has swung too an extreme where we've become so warm pink and fuzzy that we can't bear the thought of offending or hurting people ... this is connected with our unwillingness to offer a firm "NO!" ... When I consider this I ponder the whole "What Would Jesus Do?" thing and wonder if he would just shake his head in bewilderment at the wishy washiness that has embraced his church. 

Why have we lost the ability to stand on firm and solid theology, while living the radical inclusivity that is inherent in the Gospel??

Yesterday I spent some time with my Great Aunt and Great Uncle who live not far from here and as I left Uncle F's words resonated in my ears - he said "People are SO selfish today ..." 

I think that is the heart of the dilemma that brings such cynicism to my heart. People are increasingly selfish. They have grown fearful of change and the rapid change by which it seems to be happening, and so they look inwards and focus more and more on them selves ... Fortunately, I continue to stumble upon people who are not selfish, but wonderfully and lovingly self-less. 

Thus far in the Church, and in the circles where I live and move, the self-less still out number the selfish ... but my bumping into the stupidly selfish when I move beyond my circles causes me great concern. 

BUT, that concern thus far, doesn't drive me to despair, but instead inspires me to hang out with my dogs, and then head back into the world more determined to be the change we seek!! 

I'm far from perfect, but today, like yesterday and like the days before that, I will continue to do the best job I can living out the idea that together we can make the world a better place, one step, one breath, one small action at time!! 

And when my cynicism increases, I'll spend some time with my dogs and regain a much needed perspective!!

  

Our ONLY response to fear ...

I have always liked the oratory and writings of Martin Luther King Jr.

In high school I remember discovering the book "A Testament of Hope: The essential writings of MLK" and devouring his words. My introduction to King came earlier, when in the basement of Centennial United Church in Stratford, our then minister Rev. Ross Cumming played a vinyl album of King's Christmas Sermon on Peace, that was recorded then broadcast, as part of the Massey Lectures on CBC.

I can still remember listening to the slightly hissy sound of King addressing his congregation in Georgia on Christmas Eve in 1967, and offering profound words that touched on so many topics, and offered an message of HOPE.

I was hooked. Ross opened the door, and since then much of what I've offered in my preaching, my reflections and my writing has been deeply grounded in the teachings and theology of King and his Gospel of Non-Violence, his Gospel of Justice, and most of all his Gospel of Hope.

In the last couple of days, I find myself revisiting King and his teachings. And I have noticed on Facebook that I am NOT alone in that - over and over since the bombing in Boston, quotations from MLK Jr have popped up on memes and postings, as people strive to make sense of the fear that has settled in.

King reminded us and continues to remind us that Love IS stronger than hate, compassion is stronger than apathy, and peace is stronger than anger ... we, like we did in the late 1960's, stand in a bewlidering place. The news is full of grim and horrendous happenings that leave communities and lives shattered. Our screens are full of bloodshed and suffering on a scale that is staggering. It is too easy to become fearfilled and lock ourselves behind closed doors ...

But, in that moment we have a Biblical example ... the first disciples locked themselves away behind closed doors for fear of the violence that could be directed at them and the harm they could experience ... they sat shivering in fear when suddenly the Risen One appeared before them and said the simple yet profound words: PEACE BE WITH YOU!! Shalom alakium!!

And in that moment the world changed!

We are no longer prisoners to fear. We are no longer people without hope.

We are the ones called, commissioned and sent out into the world to proclaim that gift of peace and to embody that hope.

We are the ones who go out into the corners of the world where fear is so thick that people lurk behind closed windows and locked doors, and we LIVE the HOPE that people like Martin Luther King so eloquently spoke and lived.

We are the ones who turn off the screens and fold up the newspapers when they are overflowing with terrible stories and happenings, and celebrate that our world is awash in goodness, revelling in the smiles and the community around us, and daring to proclaim that ONE DAY THE WORLD WILL CHANGE.

It is too easy to give into fear. But as people of faith - whether you are part of an organized faith, or just in touch with your own spirituality, our job is to go into the world and not let the darkness overwhelm us. We are to go into the world and BE THE HOPE and THE CHANGE we seek!!!

By sharing our care, our compassion, our understanding and our love, we will wear down the anger and fear and hatred that seems so prevelant. AND more importantly, by not giving into our fears, we will show others that the GOOD people out number the bad, and that as we fumble along in the darkness we will find more and more people yearning for the same thing, and soon the two or three that started the journey will be ten then twenty, then fifty, then a thousand ... and the strength of GOOD will grow, and those who preach messages of hate and try to beat us down with acts of terror will find themselves not only out numbered, but overwhelmed with the power of LIFE, LOVE and PEACE offered in HOPE.

As the British government said in the deep dark days of World War Two - "Keep Calm and Carry On!!" Today we Keep Calm, Carry On and embrace Hope rather then give in to fear.!!!

If our leaders can't offer that message, then we need to offer it ourselves!!!

We need to LIVE IT!!

We are a Hope-filled people - let's go and embody, embrace and share it !!!

Thankful for my community cyber and physical ...

I will start this with a thank you ...

Thank you to Pastor Blake, to Katie, to CandyGirlFlies, to Rev Audrey, Tia and to the other bloggers that I read regularly and who today offered a much needed and much appreciated breath of fresh and hopefilled air into my world ...

I feel like I've just thrown open the windows after a LONG and DREARY winter, and have had a refreshing breeze roll through ... I did THAT physically in my home a few days ago, and I suppose today I did it in my heart and mind as well ...

I can't put my finger on it, but today I feel a profound sadness ... it may be the headlines filled with the suffering and carnage of Boston, the Middle East, Texas and elsewhere where lives have been so tragically and so needlessly shattered ... it could be the constant stream of raw emotions I seem to be encountering lately ... or it could just be the stress of going in too many directions all at once ... Whatever it is, it is tiring and it has worn away at my optimism to the point where I truly wonder if being hopeful is nothing more then a foolish undertaking in the face of what seems to be an increasingly mean and nasty world ...

But then, I visited my blogger friends ... Blake and his poetic words of beauty ... Katie and her sharp NYC observations of life ... CandyGirlFlies (one of my long standing friends) and her humourous and pointed reflections of life's fullness ... and Rev Audrey a former classmate and colleague who inspires me with her candor and her questions ... my list goes on ... I have several favourite blogs - but this will suffice ... As I read their words, and reflect on their observations and journeys I feel the dreariness lifting ... I find myself smiling, even amid tears from time to time ... and my heart reclaims its hope.

Hope is a precious thing ... even when we think we've lost it ... it comes back stronger than ever.

Today, despite the sadness and the heaviness in my heart ... I have found the glimmer of hope I needed and yearned for ... and it came (like this should surprise me) from the hands (or more appropriately the keyboards) of my friends!!

Onward and upward as they say ... Hope is not only alive - it is what motivates us to face challenges and to engineer and experience TRANSFORMATION!!!

Somewhere over the rainbow ...

I have watched it countless times ... I have a collection of memorabilia, books, and collectibles about it ... I have multiple copies of it on VHS, dvd, and blu-ray ... I know it almost by heart ... and I LOVE this movie.

But until last night, I had never seen it way it was produced to see - ON THE BIG SCREEN!!

Thanks to a special "Classic Movie" screening in Owen Sound I can finally say I've seen The Wizard of Oz on the big screen the way it meant to be seen.

It may not be a glitzy or glamorous as the latest CGI driven offerings from Hollywood, but this simple story of a journey through a strange and wondrous land full of memorable characters, and timeless scenes is and remains one of my favourite films, and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing it on the Big Screen for the first time.

... Just had to share this ...

Peeling back the layers ... adding to the stories ...

Work in Highland Grounds future homes continues in fits and starts. Last week the wiring and the plumbing was transforming the former Hardware Store (it has been a hardware store since Mr Duncan first turned the key in the 1930's), into a community place to gather, enjoy a coffee or tea, and just hang out ...

At times it seems infuriatingly slow, while other times I feel breathless trying to catch up to what is happening. This morning my cell phone rang to tell me, via a phone tag relay, that a semi was sitting out front wanting to drop something off ... I returned home to find a Facebook update about the truck blocking downtown Flesherton (for those who haven't been here - a semi parked awkwardly on the road in downtown Flesherton pretty much blocks about 1/3 of the downtown!!!) The joy of Small Town Life!!!

In time, we'll look back on this busy, chaotic, hectic, frustrating and bizarre chapter with fondness. When the key officially turns on the grand opening of this long awaited coffee shop, it will be with great joy that we embark on this new chapter ... In the meantime, I find myself periodically overwhelmed with the events happening around me, and so I have to pause and seek a quiet place to find my centre again.

Last week one afternoon I went into the shop and surveyed all that was happening and sat down with a notebook and a pen and wrote the following reflection on where things are at, and what is happening. Amidst the new roughed in walls, the piles of furnishings, equipment and other assorted assundry, and with exposed bricks that have not seen the light of day in 80 years, I thought about what was unfolding and penned these words that I would like to now share:

Ah, the smell of freshly cut timber, the twang of new plumbing, and the chemical scent of wiring and other assorted stuff that goes along with renovations ... 

All around me are the very obvious signs of something new coming into being. 

Piles of furniture awaiting their final placement. Vanities, sinks, toilets and assorted assundry waiting for their installation.

Paint, rollers, brushes and tarps, bare stud walls, exposed wiring and new plumbing. 

Simultaneously, this venture that will be Highland Grounds is both exciting and terrifying. I've only dreamt of such an undertaking, I've never truly envisioned doing it. Yet here we are in the middle of making it happy. 

Like a mythic phoenix rising from the ashes of what once was, this simple coffee shop (Highland Grounds) is emerging from the last 36 months of transition, loss, grief and struggle. It will not replace what has been, but will open a new chapter of what WILL be. 

After a half a dozen long years of life bouncing from place to place, and wondering where I fit in with my life and ministry, I feel blessed and privileged to find myself in a place that feels right, and that has supported and encouraged me in dreaming beyond the mundane of this moment. 

As I stand, or rather sit on a wooden stool, in the middle of this work space - the renos begun - the bones of what will be in place - I realize that this Tent Making (to use a Biblical Allusion) is more than just a new job or a new business venture. 

It is a new expression of ministry, it is a form of outreach that embraces many of the values people of faith and people with a deep spirituality hold but have failed to find in the confines of Traditional Church. 

The very nature of Fair Trade, is about JUSTICE and helping people realize their full potential economically and socially. On a more local scale, the very act of pouring a cup of coffee, and offering the gift of hospitality is the very foundation on which our culture and our faith rests. 

The centrality of the kitchen table began with the hearth of the First People, continued in the settlers cabins with the rough hewn boards slapped together and standing before the warm wood stove, and it continues to the islands, tables and and counters around which much of the life within our homes focuses. 

The kitchen is the very heartbeat of our homes, and the kitchen table is where our family sits in fellowship, and offers hospitality to friends, strangers and even foes without hesitation. 

In recent days, I've come to realize how deeply imprinted the actions of my Great-Grandmother (a resident of Grey County) are impressed in my being. Our visits to the farm house just outside of Desboro were marked with an abundance of coffee, tea, juice and an INCREDIBLE assortment of baked goodies that seemed ENDLESS. 

Looking back, I remember the barn, and the outbuildings, the apple orchard and the path out to the woodlot, but I have NO MEMORY of the house itself beyond the kitchen!!!

We visited in the kitchen with its table and chairs and Uncle Newt's couch under the window looking out to the road. 

The kitchen was the very heart of the home, and it was where Grandma Cain offered her hospitality in ABUNDANCE!!! 

It is my hope, and dream that Highland Grounds will become the kitchen table for Flesherton, Eugenia, Ceylon, Maxwell, Priceville, Feversham, Proton Station, and beyond. 

 Like the many kitchen tables, and the table that sits central in the life and ministry of every Church, our tables will be where friendships are nurtured and forged, where life is discussed and shared, where the world's problems are solved with some simple common sense, and conversations about everything imaginable are exchanged and encouraged. Highland Grounds is about building community and seeking justice, and caring for one another ONE CUP OF COFFEE AT A TIME!!! 

I hold no illusions that this will be easy. But I know in the core of my being, that like everything in ministry, it will - looking back - be rewarding and joyous. 

Soon the coffee will be ready, and the mugs will be filled in the name of Community, and ALL will be WELCOME !!!! 

Join us !!!
 
 

What lies ahead ...

The rush of Palm Sunday has come and gone ... my day started early on Saturday with getting things ready for a number of happenings in the building at St John's ... then mid-morning the puck dropped on the final hockey tournament of the year for Ms H's hockey team ... when the final buzzer ended, I dashed out the door to prep and preside at a celebration of life for one of our community saints who had their earthly life draw to a close ... when the service and tea had ended, it was back to the arena for the next tournament game ...

Saturday ended early with me crawling into bed long before my normal time ... then Sunday began just as the sun was rising over the horizon and was another scurry of activity and busy-ness ... prep for worship, breakfast and out the door for our Palm Sunday Communion services followed too closely by the third and final game for Ms H's team ...

Now, in the quiet of a new week, like the streets of Jerusalem in the days following the triumphant entry into the city, I find myself in a place of quiet ... but am very aware of the echo of busy-ness and the grind of the world resonating up and down the streets and laneways ... I yearn to have a place of solitude, but the world keeps breaking in and overwhelming me with 'must do' tasks and chores ... I know what lies ahead and what needs to be done, but there is so much that must be addressed first ...

The moniker of HOLY Weeks is apt ... the Holy is found in the unexpected places, and it is the Holy that carries us through when our feet weaken and our steps falter and we stumble under the weight of all we may be foolishly carrying ... in the coming hours and days, the journey leads into some dark shadowy places, where life seems undervalued and violence and suffering dominant ... the Holy reminds us in those moments when our breath is taken, that the Spirit moves in and through us, and we are given strength and courage to keep moving forward ...

Holy Week is about having the faith to keep moving forward and knowing that no matter what may be happening God is with us ... As Jesus stood on the hill overlooking Jerusalem as the triumphant procession began to move forward he know doubt drew a deep breath and said a prayer of thanks that God would be with him no matter what ...

... it's THAT simple ...

Dayenu!!

Dare to Dream ...

There are days when I question my sanity right now ... I'm in my mid-40's, working full time, and within the next five years I will have the proverbial empty nest ... and here I am about to start a new business venture that will no doubt absorb huge amounts of time and energy to get it up and running ...

In an average week I flip from scared silly to excited when I consider the bits and pieces we are pulling together under the banner of Highland Grounds.

On the upside, I've pulled together a talented team of people who have been helping me move forward from the pie in the sky dream of opening a Fair Trade Coffee shop, to actually making this dream a reality.

Ms H and her circle of friends have been a big part of the creativity and energy that has helped envision the space, and the concept that Highland Grounds will be. They even helped craft the name that will soon emblazon the historic Duncan Block in downtown Flesherton!

Wayne and Linda have entered my life as friends, and their creativity and vision have given me so much ... colleague and friend Mark has been enlisted to harness his wood working skills to provide disctinctive one-of-a-kind furnishings that will give our Shop character and flavour ...

Graham has come on board with his trademark giggle and a willingness to see this dream to reality ...

There have been moments when I've been ready to thrown in the towel and just admit that I'm in way over my head ... but in those moments a faint glimmer of hope has broken through and the right person has offered the right advice, guidance and inspiration to get me out of the 'blahs' I may find myself in, and moving forward.

There is still A LOT of work to be done, and despite more then a few set backs and mis-steps, I feel more confident today about what lies ahead then I have in a very very very long time.

I don't think this will suddenly be an easy carefree endeavour. But I feel blessed and fortunate to have assembled a team of people who have shared their talents, their enthusiasm and their support in moving this dream into reality. Looking ahead, I have a talented and capable team of folks (adults and teens) who have expressed an interest in stepping up and backing the Highland Grounds logo when the door finally opens. They share the dream and want to be part of it, and I feel deeply blessed for their willingness and ability to join in the fray.

No one knows what the future will hold, and I can't even offer a firm date on when we will turn the key on our new venture, but I know it WILL happen, and when it does, it will offer Flesherton and the Grey Highlands a great place to gather and enjoy a quality beverage surrounded by people who share the knowledge that our world can be made a better place ONE CUP OF COFFEE AT A TIME!!!!

Stay tuned ... more updates WILL follow!!!

The Long and Winding Road ...

In recent months I've moved from being an obsessive blogger to being an occassional blogger to spending weeks not blogging at all ... it's not that I don't have things to reflect and muse on, it's just I've been feeling SO overwhelmed by life, the universe and everything that I have opted to spend my downtime playing pointless online and computer games rather then reading, writing or blogging ...

Gearing up for the opening of my dream of a Fair Trade Coffee Shop and retail outlet in Flesherton called Highland Grounds, and ALL of the work that has entailed has absorbed enormous amounts of my already precious spare time ... along the way a full time job, being a parent, traveling to and fro for hockey, and just trying to keep up with life has kept me too busy. Many days I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk on the phone, I don't want to answer emails, I just want to lie in my bed and simply be.

Looking back, I understand what has been going on ... since January 2011 when Mom died, followed too quickly by Mr Baumbach, Scott and Indigo, I have been left reeling ... I barely had time to catch my breath and wipe away my tears before another significant person in my life died ... as as I grieved, so too did my children ... and they needed me for support, while I struggled just to keep moving forward ...

My habit of stubbornly putting my head down and simply ploughing forward helped get through the mess I found myself in, but did little to address the burdens I was carrying, or the sorrow I was experiencing ... "I'm fine" became my defensive position and I kept more to myself then I care to admit to ...

Looking back, I can say clearly I was far from fine.

There is much I wish I could unwind and re-do ... but life seldom gives us that opportunity.

Instead we keep moving forward, ask for forgiveness where we can, and learn from our bruises with the hope (sometimes in vain) that we'll learn from our mistakes and perhaps avoid the same actions in the future.

This past two weeks, my health crashed in a way I haven't experienced since the deep dark days in Bella Coola that helped me see then, that it was time to seek a change in Pastoral Relations before the ebbs and flows consumed me and did more damage to people and a place I valued ... This time around my crash has been purely and totally about exhaustion,

I've gone too long doing too much and not looking after myself, all the while saying "I'm fine."

Last week whatever bug that hit me, managed to prove the falseness of that claim.

Now after nine LONG days of being sick, I am feeling better. I am far from 100%, but I'm feeling much better then I have in the last week.

I am on the verge of Holy Week - the most exhausting and exhilarating week in our Church calender - and I am not sure where my energy levels will be. But, from where I stand right now, I know that as I have 20 times previously, (with one notable year I was sidelined!!), I will get through the events and happenings. Over the last three years the dark shadowy corners we speak of in Holy Week have been deeply personal places where my grief and sorrow has been real and sharp ... thankfully though, the intent of our Easter Journey is not to sit forever in those dark shadowy corners, but to continue from the suffering and dying to a place where we stand blinking in the sun of a new morning proclaiming the power of the Resurrection.

If I were to describe where I sit today, I would say it is like sitting on the hillside on Easter Saturday as the sun is setting ... I've come to grips with the suffering and the dying ... I've lingered in the quietness of the graveyard ... I've know the depth of loss that has unfolded and overwhelmed us ... and yet, in the quiet setting of the sun I also KNOW that something extraordinary is about to unfold ... something transformative is about to be revealed ...

Easter is about daring to journey into the dark and shadowy places knowing that God is with us and that together we WILL stand blinking in the sun feeling the power and warmth of the Resurrection ...

It's a journey made one step at a time ... we will always have mis-steps and moments when we want to sit and weep ... but in time we will be able to look back at our travels through the deep, dark valleys and realize how much brighter and better things are getting ...

... this is the path of faith we are called to follow ... a path of life, love and laughter!

My two cents ...

On the eve of the final demise of the Canadian Penny, I can't help but share my 'two cents' pictured above.

They are not special nor are they remarkable. They are just two little pennies that I found in September while we were getting mom's house ready for the Auction sale that cleaned out the final items in the house.

The two pennies had been sitting on a shelf above Dad's workbench in the basement, likely since he put them there 45 years ago ... They were tucked back against the cement wall with items that I don't ever remember moving or touching ... given the dates, I would imagine Dad took them out of his pocket and put them on the shelf while he was puttering around the workbench, and there they sat until I found them 45 years later and put them in my pocket and carried them home ...

They have no monetary value beyond the 2 cents they are worth. But the value they carry because I can place them in Dad's hand sometime before he died, makes them precious ... I've tucked them in a simple wooden box I bought for mom when I was touring the Middle East during my University years, and that she used to store mementoes I had given her over the years ... in the box along with the pennies are a cheap wooden and plastic crucifix I bought for a shekel from a Coptic Priest sitting at the back of the 'Tomb of Jesus' in the Church of the Holy Sepluchre in Jerusalem, a mother-of-pearl brooch I bought her in Cairo, and other assorted odds and ends I had given her over the years ... like the pennies, none of the items are valuable in and of themselves, but because now, two years after her death, I can open the box and remember her and the moments in time when I gave her those trinkets, they are precious.

They are precious because Mom put them aside in a special box that in turn sat on her dresser amid the other items that were important touchstones to her ... every once in awhile when it is quiet, I open the box and let my finger run over the assorted items contained within it, and I smile ... they may not be valuable, but they are important ...

... my two cents'!!! 

A New Chapter

I can hear my mother saying "What are you doing??"

Yet, despite moving from excited to terrified and back again with regularlity, I am moving forward slowly and intentionally on my new dream ...

The building pictured above is mine. The final sale went through last week, and we're in the process of getting it ready to be a Local Coffee Shop specializing in Fair Trade Products and local food, craft and artisan products as well.

Highland Grounds will have an echo of Chipperfield Coffee Company in Minnedosa and Forbidden Flavours in Brandon - but it will be it's own distinctive Flesherton creation ... I know what I want it to be, and I've heard what the local folks have said they are looking for, and right now we are working to bring those two streams together, and create a community hub for the Flesherton and Grey Highlands area.

The goal is to be open sometime in mid to late March, with an official 'Grand Opening' after Easter, but for now I will be uncommittal around dates - there is a lot of work to be done, and as we move forward there is little doubt plans will have to change and alter as we learn more about the building, and more about the business we've proposed.

The bottom line, as of today is Highland Grounds will be a coffee shop specializing in the provision of high quality Fair Trade products, while providing a place for people to come and sit and enjoy the ambience of a building that has been an integral part of 'Downtown' Flesherton for three generations as a Hardware Store. That legacy will be honoured and continued, and Highland Grounds will strive to be an active and unrepentent promotor of the other local businesses, and the many wonderful things that are happening in and around Flesherton throughout the year.

When the door is finally opened for business, I look forward to welcoming you all into this exciting (and slightly terrifying) undertaking - and I will be proud to pour you a cup of Fair Trade Coffee and share this dream with you ...

See you soon !!!

Marking the day ...

Two years ago this morning I answered the phone and my world dramatically changed ...

Scott said "Um, ... yeah ... mom died this morning ..."

The morning that followed was a blur ... and much of the next 24 months remains a blur ...

Mom died. We prepared for her service and began cleaning up around the house and getting ready to clean it out once and for all ... then our neighbour, mentor, friend and father figure Laverne died and I was asked to deliver the eulogy for his service ...

On the way back from the funeral, Scott gave me what I will forever cherish as the most important compliment I've ever received. While driving he said, "you know you're pretty good at doing that ..."

"Doing what?"
"Funerals. I mean you planned Mom's with Kathy and it was great. And Laverne's was really good. You got us laughing, then almost to tears and back to laughing, all by telling the stories of who he was and what he meant to us. You're good."
I choked out a thank you, then after a quiet moment he said: "I want you to do my eulogy."
"What?"
"I want you to do my eulogy." he repeated.
"I thought you were going to out live me so you can dance on my grave?" I offered in return.
"Oh yeah," Scott laughed, "I am. But you know you can never be sure. It's good to have a plan in place just in case you know!"

After we laughed our conversation turned to other more mundane things like the meeting we had with the lawyer and the storm that hit that afternoon and kept me in Stratford til the next morning.

Two weeks later, I would make a very long cold drive on a February night to find Scott lying dead in his bed, and a week later I would fulfil that request and deliver the eulogy at his memorial ...

Looking back it has been a LONG two years ... after Mom, Mr Baumbach and Scott I went to BC to say farewell to our friend Indigo, then spend endless hours cleaning, sorting and pitching the 50 plus years of stuff gathered in the house we called home ... along the way I've settled their affairs and estate, sorted and cleaned and sold off much of the stuff, had two break ins at the bush, and have filled my house with mementos and remembrances of my life ...

Looking forward, I'm on the verge of opening a new business in Flesherton to offer Fair Trade coffee and a place for the community to come and gather and celebrate all things LOCAL, and my children are standing on the verge of adulthood, having grown considerably in the last couple of years with all of life's ups and downs and twists and turns.

There is much I would do differently if given a chance, and there are things I wish I could unwind. But in life you can only keep moving forward and trusting in the simple reality that with each step you heal and learn and grow ...

It's been a long two years ... there is not a day that passes that I don't miss Mom and Scott and wonder how different things would be if they were still here ... I miss Mom's phone calls ... I miss the occasional conversation Scott and I were able to have ... and I miss the expressions and comments he could and would always offer ... I miss them, but I'm glad I had that last six months to get reacquainted and reconnected with them.

Today, all through my house I am reminded of them ... and that makes me able to smile more then weep ...