Called ... leaving the baggage behind ...

On Sunday we worshipped together as a family at Minnedosa United Church ... it is good to be able to sit together, all five of us and worship as a family ... That doesn't happen much - usually I'm at the front, and often Mag is at work ...

But on Sunday it just felt good (more or less) ... Elgin Hall (the interim, and my predecessor) preached on being called by the Spirit. Taking his lead from Ordinary time, which has just begun in the Church calendar, he reflected on the teachings of Isaiah, and the call God offered to the reluctant prophet and how our calls are seldom grand showy affairs, instead are often quiet subdued moments when God says - "psst, come here ..."

As Elgin spoke I suddenly found myself transported back to a service over twenty five years ago around the same time of year when Ross Cumming, our then minister at Centennial United Church in Stratford was preaching ... I'm pretty sure the sermon was on the same text ... something deep within me has put the pieces together ... But I remembered watching the fans in the high ceiling of the church go round and round, as I listened to Ross' words on call, and on being open to what God wants us to do with you lives ...

As I watched the white blades spin that early spring morning, I thought to myself - "what should I do with MY life ??"

And suddenly the answer came to me: "Go into ministry ...become a minister like Ross ..."

Now well over 25 years later ... I hope I have been able to be half the minister Ross was ... but here I am ...

I know that call came and my response was - "yeah right ... find somebody else ..." and in time God made it clear that call was to me, and only me and even though I fought it, even though I ran the other way, even though I tried everything I could to NOT go into ministry - 13 years ago some promises were made, some words were spoken and a Covenant that I take very seriously was entered into, and I became a minister of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care in the United Church of Canada.

My problem today is not that I doubt that call, but that I feel betrayed, misused and taken for granted by people I have called friends ... It's not the Board or Congregation of the Church here in Minnedosa who have caused this crisis - it's not them at all ... they're good people, who have suffered an immeasurable loss ... I have felt the depth of thier pain and despair since the fire ... they're just trying to move forward ...

My feelings of betrayal and hurt come from others who are unhealthy and who are unwilling to own the problems that are theirs ...

Today my call is not in doubt ... today I am deeply wounded.

But today came a reminder of hope and resurrection: For some reason today I remembered a terrible afternoon when one of our cats was mauled by a dog :

Chloe, the old matriarch cat in our home who is now heading up on 13 - has never hissed in her life at one of us, never intentionally scratched us, never shown any anger - she is a great cat. She is a wonderfully tolerate presence in our home and family ... in her 13 years she has been carried around by all three kids, she has been sat on, cuddled and mauled in a way no cat should ever have to endure - yet, she remains a placid, patient cat ... But that day long ago in Bella Coola when a dog got into our yard and laid a serious beating on her, stands out as the only day I was ever bitten or scratched by her ... and bitten and scratched I WAS !!!

I chased the dog off and reached into the wood pile to pick her up ... in the trauma of the moment she exploded into a furry fury of rage - she bit me repeatedly and scratched the day lights out of my arms ... I got her in the house and was left scratched and bleeding myself - so much for wanting to help ...

It had never happened before, and it has never happened since - but I know it happened because Chloe was traumatized, hurt, angry and her life was in that moment desperately out of control ... so she saw my hand as a threat and attacked ...

In time, my wounds and her's healed, and in I forgave her and even nursed her back to health ... I had even forgotten the whole incident until earlier today when I was thinking about the reaction wounded, dying animals have when cornered - then suddenly the nasty encounter with Chloe came back to me ... (One day I'll share the story of being bitten by a mouse, and all the fun the Hospital staff had at my expense with that ... all because I tried to save it from the jaws of one of our cats (not Chloe) - such are the dangers of helping a wounded, frightened creature.)

My wounds have come from just such a setting ... wounded, traumatized, unhealthy ... we will strike out and not care who else we might hurt ... instead of getting the help we need and that is being offered, we lash out and seek to drawn blood to make fair the blood we ourselves have shed ...

So tonight, my prayer is that those who are wounded and hurt will realize the need for healing and in time they will find wholeness ... I know I will heal. Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to feel whole again, and I have begun to heal ... MY journey is just begun, there are others for whom the journey has yet to begin:

... My prayer today is to find the grace to let go of the anger I feel at being betrayed and attacked by those I once called friends ...

... my prayer today is that they find a place of healing and wholeness and they get the help they need and deserve ...

... my prayer today is to put it all in the hands of my higher power where it belongs ...

I have no control over any one else - they have to live their lives and confront their own problems ... I have my own baggage to deal with ...

The path to healing is wonderful place ... my woundedness is lessening ... I can hear the call to ministry again clearly ... Like that day back in the beautiful sanctuary of Centennial United Church, I can still hear the voice saying - "Go into ministry ..." only this time, I'm not trying to run away ... I trying to find my way back from the wilderness ...

... and it's a good journey ...

... one day at a time ... everything else is up to God ...

L'chaim and dayenu,