Ann Weems said it well:
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First Person:
You - sitting in the pew next to me - I don't know you.
Oh I know your name.
I know the "Hi, how are you?" part of you.
I know the "Rainy weather we're having, isn't it?" part of you.
But I don't know you -
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Today it happened to the umpteenth time ... I happened across one of my colleagues in ministry who put on a sickeningly sweet smile and asked - "How are you?"
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I answered as I've always answered saying - "Oh fine, thank you ..." and even as the words escaped my lips my heart sank ... their bitterness lingered on my tongue as I realized I had just uttered a polite lie ...
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I am NOT fine.
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I do not want to pretend I'm nice any more.
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I do not want to play the petty politics of our polite society that pretends life is wonderful all the time, and we shouldn't own our real feelings ...
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I want to tell the truth and speak what I'm feeling ...
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I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm bitter.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired.
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I've spent the last three years being kicked around by the "warm, welcoming, inclusive, open, and liberal" United Church of Canada. I want the CHURCH to live what it believes and stop treating me and countless others like this ... To my colleagues in the Church: TALK the TALK or shut the HELL UP and let those called by the Spirit speak for a change.
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I've been rejected by my Spiritual Home and told - though NOT in words - that I'm no longer welcomed in the place I've called home for my life ... I was CALLED and ORDAINED to a ministry of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care, yet the fearfilled gatekeeping has prevented me from embodying that ministry, even though the discernment process they (thankfully) forced me to endure has given me the green light to return to ministry ...
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I've grown tired of being kicked by people who have no personal integrity, and for whom morality is a quaint object of conversation ... Theologically these folks are as deep as a puddle, and most days I think my dope on a rope dog Flute has more BRAINS then they do ...
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I'm exhausted by being forced to count pennies and say "no" to my children while I wonder if I will lose my house by the end of the month because I have drained all my financial resources ...
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I'm tired of having to get day old bread at the local food bank because my children are growing and need things like food to keep from going hungry ...
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I'm tried of pretending it's ALL okay ...
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Today I will start telling the truth.
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Today I will no longer bite my tongue and pretend that a justice outcome was attained by the disciplinary process I under went ... I was taken to task and offered up far more than a mere pound of flesh, yet the "powers that be" have turned a blind eye to what really happened ... The small minded have sent the agenda for long enough ... it's time for truth and openness ... it's time to stop hiding behind polity, procedure, legal advice and posturing - it's time for living our FAITH ...
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I had my tires slashed.
I had my car shot at.
I had my car shot at.
I had my house shot at.
I had someone file an anonymous complaint about me BEATING my children with the CFS.
I had my reputation called into question by libel and slander.
I had my name sullied by people who have much to hide and wanted to cast the stark light on someone else lest THEIR SKELETONS fall into public view.
I've lost my job, my career and my ability to earn a living.
I've had people tear me down and tear me apart for long enough.
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I'm done playing nice and pasting on a fake smile and saying "I'm okay."
I'm not okay, I'm tired of the triumph of the toxic in my life.
.m
BUT, today I'm DONE with it ALL.
m
It's time for truth telling and I for one have NOTHING to hide.
m
It's time to scrub the toxins clean and to hold people accountable for thier actions, thier words and their cowardice.
m
It's time for The United Church of Canada to admit that it is NOT what it believes itself to be ... like the wise Gordon B. Turner said 20 some years ago - our ministry is to the Church Drop Outs who have been battered, bloodied, beaten and bashed by the Church and who want to come home ... The United Church of Canada has become an exclusive, restrictive, fear-filled social club that pretends everything is fine ...
m
Today on behalf of the others who have long been ignored by the "good" church people, I serve notice that we are not going to knock on the door and ask to be invited in ... we're gonna kick in the door and like Jesus' in the Temple, we're gonna kick over tables and we're gonna reclaim The Church ... today I'm done waiting on the ash heap ... the Spirit is calling me and I will follow ...
m
Today the Reign of Christ begins ... and I for one welcome it ...
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Come Holy Spirit, COME !!!!
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