Thursday, February 03, 2011

Today I Feel a Little Bit More Alone ...



Scott Edwin Ankenmann
1961 to 2011
age 49
A brother, an uncle, a nephew, a cousin, and a friend.
Rest in Peace my brother, and my friend !

On Thursday we had a great day ... I went to Stratford to run some errands with and for Scott, then when my truck had to go in for a service, he came along for the ride and joined Ms. H and I for a late lunch followed by a wander through the mall ... we had more than a few laughs, and he was in a great mood.

Our afternoon ended with Ms. H and I getting ready to head home. I offered to come on Saturday to help do more of the sorting of mom's stuff that we need to do ... He said yes until the phone rang and some of his buddies invited him sledding. We decided Tuesday worked better for he and I ...

On Tuesday, with the massive storm heading our way, I decided to stay put rather than risk being storm stayed in Stratford for a couple of days ... I called to let him know, but no one answered ... I kept calling throughout the day and into the evening.

On Wednesday morning, between and around snow shovelling, I tried calling again ... there was still no answer ... around 8pm my cell phone rang and I got a call from one of Scott's buddies in Stratford asking me if I had talked to him lately. Ed said that no one had heard from him, or seen him since Monday when Scott left a message on Ed's voice mail looking for a ride out to his bush ... my heart sank ... if his friends didn't know where he was, something had happened to him ...

I left almost immediately for Stratford and spent the hour and a half drive preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best ... my mind raced with a million thoughts ... some good, some bad, but ALL of them hoping for a good outcome ...

Noahkila and I arrived at the house a little bit before 10 ... it was dark - not a good sign ... my hand was shaking as I put the key in the door and turned the lock ... as I opened the door I knew my worst fears had come to pass ...

We found Scott lying in his bed ... he was beyond any earthly help ... he had died sometime between Monday and Tuesday ...

I called 911, and spent the next four hours with police, the coroner and the funeral directors who a few short weeks ago had been so helpful and kind as Scott and I dealt with losing Mom ... I made a few phone calls, sent some emails by my cell phone, and wept at the thought of losing Mom ... Mr Baumbach and now my Big Brother in less than four weeks ...

There are simply no words that can be offered to grasp what I'm feeling right now ... and to be honest, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling ... it hurts, yet I feel numb ... I'm angry, yet I'm deeply sad ... I'm tired, yet I can't sleep ...

But over arching all of this, is the simple reality that I miss my brother.

We had our differences. We had times when we didn't like each other very much. But events of the last couple of years had taught us that at the end of the day, family is ALL you got, and blood is always thicker than water ... I'm glad I had the last few weeks with him. We found things to laugh about in the midst of saying good bye to Mom. We went out to eat several times, and had good conversations about life, the universe and everything ... we laughed in the midst of our tears, and most of all, we were there for each other ...

Today, in this moment, I feel very much alone ... around me are swirling events and happenings that I would turn to my Mom and my Big Brother to help me through ... and in the last four weeks, I've lost them both ... I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts right now ...

My only prayer is that Scott has found a peace of mind, body and soul that he deserves ... I'll miss him, but I'll never forget him ...

I love you Scott.

5 comments:

Gord said...

holding you in prayer my friend

wendy said...

oh shawn this is so beautiful and so so sad. a little more alone indeed.
you will be carried by love. our hearts are aching and breaking for you.

Marla said...

Shawn, they both knew that you were ready to carry on the family legacy and could leave you to do what you are meant to do on this earth. I offer you what peace I can, and you know that the family of support you built throughout your life will be here beside you now.

Peace to you my friend. We are all with you in prayer, and wishing we were closer to be there for you.


Marla

Susannah (Wanderin' Weeta) said...

How painful! My condolences; I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that they will always be with you, in your heart and in your mind.

Candygirlflies said...

So sorry... So very, very sorry.

xoxo CGF