Thursday, March 08, 2007

Won't let the Bastards win ...

I can't.
I won't.
I'm not going to let it happen ...
I will not let the Bastards win. Not here, not now, not this time ...

2006 marked the loss of too many sanctuaries for me ... this place has been my one remaining sanctuary - my place of solace and peace where I can share my thoughts, my words, and my musings ... but yesterday I began to question even that ...

I realized today that if I silence this Blog I am letting vicious, small minded, petty, and hate filled people win ... They hide behind anonymity to take shots at me because they know their words that drip in hate are untrue and are nothing but unwarranted spite filled attacks on me.

Yesterday I was in a place that was uncomfortable and pained, and I let the words of petty hateful people effect me ... I was wrong ... I was hurt, but I was wrong. Their words are false, and simply untrue. They do not know me. They do not know the truth. They are to be blunt - speaking out of their ass ...

I've made mistakes in my life. I've tilted after windmills. I've rocked my share of boats. AND, I've made choices that were wrong ... but at the end of the day I can still look myself in the mirror and know that my heart remains steadfast in its care and love for others.

I've always made my choices, even the erroneous ones, attempting to help others. Even when I've been used and manipulated by people who were supposedly my friends, I did what I did because I was trying to help someone else ... I have had my desire to help others, and my willngness to fight for others used against me ...

I decided today that I will NOT silence this BLOG.
I will not let vicious small minded people control me.
I will NOT let them win !!

I will not let the fear of offending someone, rocking the boat or even losing my job silence me.

I will risk what I have to risk to speak the truth that lies in my heart ...
I will risk my reputation, my security and my job to name the reality I live ...
I will take my chances with the truth ...

I will still tilt after wind mills ... I will still rock the boat ... and I will still make mistakes ...
BUT, I will not be silenced in the face of fear ...

So, to those who would criticize me: If you have something to say to me - sign your name - say it to my face - have the common decency and courage to owe up to it ... don't hide behind anonymity any more - say it openly - if it is true then let's talk about it - Otherwise - Shut the Hell up !!!! If you can't be honest - I don't want to hear it ...

For the record:
I'm a good person.
I'm a good parent.
I'm a good friend.
I'm a damned good minister.
BUT,
I work too hard.
I'm impatient.
I'm a perfectionist.
I'm unrelenting in my expectations.
I expect alot from those around me.
I'm too willing to take on tasks and responsibilities.
I have put my job ahead of everything else including my family.
I have given my all to the Church and the people there in.
I've made mistakes.
And I've expected to be appreciated for all that I do ...

I've been a fool ...
I've been used ...
I've been manipulated ...
and I've made mistakes ...

And at the end of the day - I am still proud of who I am, what I've achieved and the path I've trod.

And I will NOT be silent ... My sanctuary will be in my words ... and I will no longer be afraid ...
and I won't apologize for it ...

3 comments:

Jaydee said...

When i woke up this morning, I had to go online to see if you decided to keep the blog alive or not. I can't tell you happy I am to see your decision. You are being true to who you are and that's what matters. The only thing I could've said and still will say is:
Shawn, you have a right to be you
and you have to WRITE to be you.

I know it and you definately know it, and this is the way it should be! Take care

Bethany said...

I'm glad to see you are still here, in blogland.

sean incognito said...

Been reading this blog for a little while, haven't read anything which could raise objections in any but a small mind.

Courage.