Sparkles of Grace along the way ...

I have been feeling a heaviness of heart and soul this week ... and I know why ... it is more than the typical February Blah's and it is more than just utter exhaustion from working nine part-time jobs to try in vain to make ends meet economically ... I feel a heaviness of heart because we are drawing closer to the anniversary of February 12th 2006, when the 105 year old Sanctuary of Minnedosa United Church was consumed by fire, and I began the painful and devestating journey that has lead to my marginalization from ministry and from life in Western Manitoba ...

I can not approach the anniversary of this date with any thing but deep and profound sorrow at the gaping wound that remains in the wake of this senseless act of destruction ... There are those who are convinced that everything is fine, and that it's "all better" now ... they have closed thier eyes to much, and nothing I say, and nothing any one else says will change that. And they have powerful allies who take delight in reminding me that I am the sole problem and that the "community" has healed ...

Yeah ... selective vision is a marvelous thing ... too many voices express pain and sorrow and frustration for me to even pretend there has been anything remotely healthy or healing here ...

Yet, in this heaviness I find moments of Grace that leave me smiling ... sipping my coffee listening to CBC radio, watching my dogs play in the snow, enjoying the laborious walk that delivering papers requires, and knowing that even though I am utterly bone tired by the end of a week - I can look in the mirror and know that I have done everything that has been asked of me by God, by my conscience and by the Church - and the sting of rejection that I continue to live is NOT MY PROBLEM. I'm not the one who looks panicky when we meet in the mall, I'm not the one avoiding me downtown, I'm not the one wrapped in a cloak of righteousness and trembling in fear lest the secret that the "emperor" is wearing no clothes escapes ... I can walk with my head up and my conscience clear because I am not the toxic one any more ...

So, when I'm asked - "how are you?" I'll answer honestly - "BROKE, TIRED, bordering on homeless, hurt, angry, lonely, and feeling deeply rejected by the ONE body that should know better - the place that claims to welcome in ALL people unconditionally, and without hesitation ..." I won't lie any more and offer a fake smile and say - "Fine," and pretend it's all okay when it's not.

But having said that - I can honestly say that I am glad to be where I am ... I enjoy my beautiful children, I have new friendships and relationships that are exciting and life-affirming, and I know that the economic poverty I am experiencing will eventually pass, and I will look back on this time as a yeasty time of growth, reflection and Spiritual energy that moves me to a better, healthier and more Christ-Like setting ... and I find that whisper of hope in the quiet sparkles of Grace that I find periodically along the way ...

Today I found a sparkling gift of grace - it came in the form of a comment left on the posting for September 9th 2008 entitled "and now a word from a reader"

Cat The Goth wrote the following:

"I was googling some goth related search, and the little square graphic with the few facts about goths came up, and I saw it was on a site with a very Christian name and my initial reaction was going to be "oh no, another site claiming we're all a bunch of Satanists" but decided that I wasn't going to judge before I read. I'm very happy I did read, because I was proved completely wrong. It's nice to see common sense from the openly Christian because the most vocal 'Christians' I meet don't tend to be very good at following the teachings of Christ and very good at condemming. I was stopped in the street by street-preacher the other day, who, despite the fact I was wearing a rather obvious Celtic cross, decided to harangue me about my supposed 'Satanism'. No chance for me to explain about being a choir girl at St. Mary's... Thankyou for being open-minded and tolerant and for putting something on the web that shows to other Goths out there that Christianity has not placed itself as our enemy - that is the action of a rabid minority, not a faith, and certainly not God."

I am called to a ministry that is far bigger then the closed minds who would try to tear me down can ever envision ... I'm called to a ministry that welcomes and includes ALL people, not just the chosen few we are comfortable with ... I'm called to a ministry that embraces those the "good church people" would prefer to reject and cast out ...

I'm called to Ministry ... and A BIG piece of that call is what I've done here for the last few years ... Like Pope Benedict said a couple of weeks ago: BLOG !!!! For the love of God - BLOG!!!