Found Treasures ...

One of the hardest things I've had to do lately is the process of sorting and cleaning at mom's ... with almost fifty years of accumulated mementos, treasures and trash ... it is a long process that had barely began when Scott died suddenly, and that has been complicated by his passing ... Every time I step in the door, I not only have to wrestle with the memories and legacy of Mom, I now feel Scott's presence too, and have to deal with things that for 40 years were off limits ...

Every time I pick up something in Scott's room, I hear his voice in my ear: "what the hell are you doing?" ... then I feel a wave of guilt that I'm touching my big brothers stuff, and sooner or later I'm gonna get pounded for it ... old patterns die hard, and for the first twenty years of my life the cat and mouse game of touching, borrowing and retrieving one another's possessions usually resulted in me getting a 'brotherly beatin' ... one Scott would maintain I deserved.

The last few visits to Mom's has been harder because my sorting is now reaching back into my childhood and Scott's ... I'm find the toys and mementos from our childhood ... a drawer of matchbox and hot wheels cars that I dared to 'borrow' now sits forlorn with Scott's absence ... the stuffed animals that were once filled with life through our play recalls Scott, Mom and their creator Grandma Ankenmann ... the drawings and cards we gave one another recall a simpler time when life glowed with love and seemingly limitless potential ... over and over I find myself revisiting a time and place before the stormy perils of adulthood broke over us and battered us and our lives ... a simpler time when Mom's word was law (backed up by the wooden spoon on top of the fridge) and Scott was my big brother who and would readily pound me for infractions perceived and sometimes real, and yet filled me with respect and awe ...

Over and over I find myself recalling the many moments that helped forge me into the man I am today ... some good ... some not so good ... but all of them cherished recollections that are part of my heritage and history and my present reality ...

Today I had to pause when I discovered tucked in the back of a closet my baby shoes, my first little red slippers, and a card from the Ladies Group at the now defunct Lingelbach United Church (or as it was called then Lingelbach EUB Church) celebrating my safe arrival, along with a Centennial Dollar Bill ... over and over I find myself smiling with tears in my eyes at the many treasures I keep uncovering in my personal archeological dig ... mom's house is full of memories and mementos ... and each time I make the drive and spend a few hours exploring them, I reconnect with my past and reacquaint myself with my family story ... and as hard as it is, it is good!

mom would insist that we should just get along ...