Dysfunction, Anxiety and Failure ...

" We will hear of no problem ... we will see no problem and we will speak of no problem ... our family, our congregation, our community and our society are JUST FINE thank you ..."

Such is the sentiment operating widely across our society in places where chronic anxiety has become the dominant experience, be it in business, in families, in volunteer organizations, in faith groups or in political parties. The anxiety has allowed the unhealthy among us to hold the entire system hostage ...

Friedman cites the example of a presentation he once did where a woman stood and began to berate the presenters, the audience and the greater society while NO ONE did anything to stop her and silence her ... She used the "right words" to drive others into silence while abusing not only the opportunity before her, but those around her ... Sadly, people like that are NOT new ... Not only does Friedman cite numerous examples in his work, almost all of us can think of people who have been nothing short of bullies in imposing THIER personal agendas on others ...

Today as I read the five characteristics of a Chronically anxious system, I couldn't help but see many of those characteristics on the journey I've been treading over the last couple of years ... Many of the very symptoms that Friedman has named have been operating in the life of Minnedosa, both as a community, and within the micro-cosom that is the United Chruch here ... Perhaps most startling of all is the total unwillingness of ANYONE to admit to this and to deal with it ... identifies

Friedman identifies the five characteristics as follows:
1) Reactivity
2) Herding
3) Blame Displacement
4) A Quick-Fix Mentality
5) Failure of Nerve

He explores the impact and the outcome of these characteristics, and I will share some of the insights he offers in future posts ... but for the moment I would like to share one quotation that stands out as an ACCURATE description of EXACTLY what I experienced in Minnedosa as a toxic, dysfunctional individual began to spin the web of lies and half truths that the anxious members of the community lapped up likedogs ...

Friedman writes:

... the herding family will wind up adopting an appeasement strategy towards its most troublesome members while sabotaging those with the most strength to stand up to the troublemakers. The chronically anxious, herding family will be far more willing to risk losing its leadership than to lose those who disturb their togetherness with their immature responses. Always striving for consensus, it will react against any threat to its togetherness by those who stand on principle rather than good feelings. The herding instinct will move and emotionally regressive family to a position where it edeavours to accomodate the disruptions of the immature and of those who think in terms of their rights rather than their responsibilities.

So rather than take stands with the most disturbed members and support those who stand tall, the herding family will adapt to the symptom-bearer (alcoholic, delinquent, substance abuser, gambler, hot tempered one) and at the same time undercut anyone who attempts to define him or herself against the forces of togetherness. They will often characterize that person as "cruel," "heartless," "insensitive," "unfeeling," "uncooperative," "selfish," and "cold."

Actually, this tendancy to adapt to immaturity and to sabotage strength is so often characteristic of chronically anxious systems that a good rule of thumb for leaders who are trying to pull any institution out of its regression is that when people start calling you "cruel," "autocratic," "heartless," "hardheaded," "unfeeling," "uncooperative," "selfish," and "cold" there is a good chance you are going in the right direction.

I read these words and found them resonating with the experience here in Minnedosa as a chronically anxious system sought to maintain the status quo rather than deal with itself and struggle to become something more than it is ... I wondered about the accuracy of these words, so I shared the above quotation with 13 year old Noahkila ... as I finished reading he smiled and said:

"Sounds like what you've just gone through in the church ..."

We then discussed the name calling and how ALL of those phrases Friedman identifies rolled off the lips of those who sought to reject me and my ministry ... So desperate to maintain the illusion of cohesive togetherness, they HAD no choice but to posit the blame on the outsider ... I couldn't help but wonder why - if a 13 year old can see this - why than can't the esteemed leadership of the Greater Church open their eyes to it ??????

Sadly, as Friedman goes on to explore this topic he notes that often denominations are so emeshed in this dysfunction that they lose the ability to see it and deal with it ... and ministers find themselves being bounced from congregation to congregation as the failure of the Pastoral Relationship is placed on THEIR shoulders rather than placing it where it belongs. I made mistakes - but my mistakes pale in comparison to the incompetence, dishonesty and fear that runs rampant in the leadership of this community and this church ... and NO ONE IS willing to hold the others to the same standard they so willingly held me to ...

Hearing Board members say - "wait, wait, wait," while they did nothing to address the problems that were becoming apparent, then hearing the voices call on the return to a fictious place of unity and togetherness (that's the WHOLE point of Friedman), by simply eliminating ME as the minister simply underscores the depth of the dysfunction that is gripping this community ... what worsens the situation is the unwillingness or inability of the Greater Church to open their eyes to what is really happening here (and in other communties as OTHER colleagues find their pastoral relations severed by THEIR Churches) ...

Maybe one day others will FINALLY read the words of Friedman instead of dismissing him and his wisdom (I've yet to meet a colleague in West Man who is at all familiar with Friedman and his work - and for the last two years it has been what my colleagues across the nation (And the continent) have urged me to read as I've struggled to wend my way through this morass - THAT simple fact alone explains a great deal about why the United Church in West Man is in the state it is in - but no one wants to HEAR THAT either!!??) ... But when reading Friedman and taking his words seriously truly begins to happen, the toxic dysfunction that has marked the lives of congregations like Minnedosa United Church will finally be addressed and the healing these places desperately need will finally begin ...

But first it requires - NAY - it DEMANDS the courage to say to the immature and unwell people who say things like "If this doesn't happen, we will no longer attend or give money ..." - "GO ahead, there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the ass on the way out ... See ya !!"

And then we can let the healthy and strong among us get to work creating the faith communities we need to truly live the Gospel.

Maybe one day ... maybe one day ... in the meantime the chimps still sit ... and the lies being told continue to roll around ... and everyone pretends it is all better ...

Come O Holy Spirit Come !!!!!! There's so much more work to be done here ...