I'm sitting in a coffee shop with my laptop open in front of me and a cup of passable coffee at my elbow ... out the window is the Dairy Queen that loomed very large in my childhood ... we could ride our bikes over there - it was within the perimeter of Ontario and Romeo Streets we were NOT allowed to cross until we reach grade 7 ...I have to admit, I never really understood that arbitrary boundary ... it hemmed us in to the west and the south, but to the North and East the wide open countryside of North Easthope township beckoned with its rolling hills and pastures, and endless gravel roads ... we couldn't explore the downtown of Stratford by bike - but we could - and DID - explore the Stratford Airport, Grey Woods, the Golf Course and the hydro allowance that stretched off into the unknown for miles and miles and miles ...
But the Dairy Queen was special ... we could bike over there, dump our bikes under the HUGE trees that once stood at the back of their parking lot and use our hard earned change to buy something ... I LOVED the Mr. Misty's !!! Then with the left over change we would head next door to Dickson's variety where we could by a bulging bag of penny candy from the glass display case for next to nothing ... we would take our bounty to the picnic tables between the Parking Lot of the Dairy Queen and Kroehler Furniture factory that once stood three stories tall on the north-west corner of Romeo and Ontario Streets ...
Today the Kroehler plant is long gone ... replaced by a hotel ... the parking lot is covered with housing ... and though Dairy Queen remains, Dickson's is gone as are the beautiful shade trees that were our summer destination for years ...
How many hours were wasted running the gauntlet from our neighbourhood past the families who lived in the houses on the Corner of Willow and Canterbury who took delight in harassing and bullying us ??? (don't get me wrong - they were friends ... but as with the vagaries of childhood they were friends today and mortal enemies tomorrow and the day after ... well, it was anyone's guess ... passions flared and subsided like the thunderstorms that rolled in from the west in the long summer afternoons ...) We had our turf, they had their turf, and we respected the boundaries ...
How many hours, and how many dollars were whittled away lying on the grass sipping our DQ purchases and munching the illicit treats bought by the bagful at Dickson's ???
Sitting here glancing out the window, I can almost picture my younger self and my cadre of friends racing their bikes down the streets of our neighbourhood, hellbent for DQ ... the streets seemed wider and so much longer then ... the distance seemed awesome and almost ominous ... the neighbourhood vast and almost endless, even with the boundaries to the south and the west ...
And yet, here I sit ... 30 years later ... back home ... but it doesn't feel like home ... I'm an interloper ... a visitor ... some of the the places that once were are long gone, dim memories in the recollection of those who once lived here ... while others remain, altered by time ... It's home ... but it's not my home ... it's huge and yet it's small ... it's familiar and comfortable, but yet it's strange and foreign ...
I miss the simplicity of what once was ... long summer days pedaling our bikes furiously from one adventure to another ... splashes in the pool ... wading in the river looking for golf balls and watching out for snapping turtles ... crashing through the forest out my back door watching for golfer, city employees and irate neighbours ... and enjoying the world that was around us ... a world that was simultaneously comfortable, safe and predictable, while also being delightful, titillating and fun ... it was, what we chose to create it to be ...
AND create it we DID ... day after day ... pledging our eternal friendship, until one day it ALL began to slip away ... we saw each other ... we made our promises to stay in touch ... we even called once in awhile ... and we ALWAYS waved while passing each as we patrolled Ontario Street, Downtown, and the park in an endless circuit each weekend in our cars ... but then ... one day looking back you realize it's been 5 years, 10 years ... 20 years !! And your friends who once meant so much, have been absent for half a lifetime ... and you realize you can go home ... but you can never go back ...
In this moment, it is not sad nor melancholy ... it simply is what it is ... the inexorable passage of time ... days slipping into weeks and weeks turning into years, and suddenly turning a corner you pass your precocious 8 year old self furiously pedaling a bike to the corner store, clutching a fistful of change for penny candy. Your middle age self is left looking forward and glancing back ... as your younger self recedes from view like a passing car in a rear view mirror. You smile at the reflection glancing back at you ... simultaneously you are 8 and 41 ... simultaneously you are safe at home and nothing more than a visitor ... simultaneously you are safe and secure and predictable AND uncertain, confused and ...
Well, that's just it isn't it??
In that moment you bridge the past and the present, and unless you're fully present to THIS MOMENT, and what it offers, you find yourself in neither ...
Today ... I can look back on what was ... and know that the past can be recalled but never relieved, and the present, for all its faults and foibles is a pretty good place to be ... my life may not be perfect, and it hasn't turned out the way I've expected, and too many people have had their chance to take their pound of flesh ... but my childhood here - in this place - taught me to be a survivor, and to cherish my family, my friends and most of all myself ...
It's not a lesson I had to travel here to learn ... but it's a lesson I've had time in the quiet, to reflect on and appreciate that much better ...
My path ahead is better for the path I've trod ... my bruises have taught me lessons and my skinned knees have made me the man I am today ... and I feel very content with THAT.
... and sometimes that's the best we can do ... Dayenu !! Dayenu !!
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