Starting to STARVE the psychic parasite ...

"... emotion from the pain-body quickly gains control of your thinking, and once your mind has been taken over by the pain-body, your thinking becomes negative. The voice in your head will be telling sad, anxious, or angry stories about yourself, or your life, about other people, about past, future, or imaginary events. The voice will be blaming, accusing, complaining, imagining. And you are totally identified with whatever the voice says, believe all its distorted thoughts. At that point the addiction to unhappiness has set in.

It is not so much that you cannot stop your train of negative thoughts, but that you don't want to. This is because the pain-body at that time is living through you, pretending to be you. And to the pain-body, pain is pleasure. It eagerly devours every negative thought. In fact, the usual voice in your head has now become the voice of the pain-body. It has taken over the internal dialogue. A vicious circle becomes established between the pain body and your thinking. EVERY THOUGHT FEEDS THE PAIN-BODY, and in turn the pain-body generates more thoughts ... "

(Page 147 - A New Earth by Eckert Tolle)

.

HOW ARE YOU?

.

A simple question. A mundane question that is asked a thousand times a day in one form or another ... a ubiquitous question to which our usual answer is "Fine."

.

How are you?

Fine, how are you?

Okay ...

.

But are we?

.

Are we really fine and okay ... or is that simply the easiest answer to offer to avoid looking more deeply into ourselves and confronting the reality that lurks within?

.

When I'm asked - "how are you?" - my usual answer has been "Fine," but I've come to realize who misguided that answer has been ... seldom have I really been fine ...

.

"For someone possessed by a heavy pain-body, it is often impossible to step outside his or her distorted interpretation, the heavily emotional "story." The more negative emotion there is in a story, the heavier and more impenetrable it becomes. And so the story is not recognized as such, but is taken to be reality. When you are completely trapped in the movement of thought and the accompanying emotion, stepping outside is not possible because you don't even know that there is an outside. You are trapped in your own movie or dream, trapped in your own hell. To you it is reality and no other reality is possible. And as far as you are concerned, your reaction is the only possible reaction." (pg 173-74)

.

With a heavy pain-body, the answer to the question - "how are you?" is a simple "Fine," because there is no comprehension of the vicious circle of reality in which you yourself trapped ... the voice in your head, a voice of pain and unhappiness is the only voice you hear ... and so the answer is - "Fine" ... and the answer is wrong ...

.

"At this moment, this is what you feel ..." (pg 165)

.

I've come to realize the presence in my life of that voice that tells and retells the story of my pain-body ... a story that is feeding itself with the negativity of thought and action that are in turn created by the story itself ... the vicious circle is fully engaged ... and as painful as it may be to realize this, in this description, Tolle is right:
.

"The pain-body is an addiction to unhappiness. It may be shocking when you realize for the first time that there is something within you that periodically seeks emotional negativity, seeks unhappiness. You need even more awareness to see it in yourself than to recognize it in another person. Once the unhappiness has taken you over, not only do you not want an end to it, but you want to make others JUST AS MISERABLE as you are in order to feed on their negative emotional reaction." (pg 145)

.

This week I've come to realize that my pain-body has NOT been dormant, but has been active as it has been feeding the ego the story of unhappiness I have come to believe is the ONLY story of my life journey ... a story that folds over on itself and feeds the pain-body, which in turn continues to create that story by making it happen in order to continue to feed and grown ...

.

I have been unhappy ...

.

I have defined myself by that story ...

.

I have fed that unhappiness by telling and living that story over and over ...

.

"HOW ARE YOU?"
.

In this moment, I am unhappy ...

.

To a woman who came to him and shared her story of unhappiness Tolle asked:

.

"'At this moment, this is what you feel,' I said. 'There is nothing you can do about the fact that AT THIS MOMENT this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept the fact that this is what you feel right now?'"(pg 165)

.

When the woman accepted the FACT that she IS unhappy - IN THAT MOMENT, she feels a space forming around her unhappiness ... being unhappy begins to matter less and less, and its control over her begins to diminish.

.

Tolle observes that you can not be unhappy without an unhappy story.

.

Unhappiness is fed and justified and perpetuated by telling and retelling the story, and with each telling living the supposed "truth" of that story by saying - "there, this proves my unhappiness ..."

.

Tolle notes that;

"that moment she (the woman) stopped identifying with the feeling, the old painful emotion that lived in her, the moment she put her attention on it directly without trying to resist it, it could no longer control her thinking and so become mixed up with a mentally constructed story called "The Unhappy Me."" (pg 166)

.

In that moment, as Tolle notes the pain-body begins to diminish not only its control, but it's self. It is a diminishing that comes not by fighting it and denying its presence in our lives, but rather by drawing it into the light of our consciousness and admitting that it exists, and that it HAS had control over us ...

.

The Zen Buddhists call us to "SATORI" - literally stepping out of the voice in your head by finding a moment of presence where the inner clutter of thought and emotion is silenced, and the voice is muted, and we stand present to the moment and NOTHING ELSE.

.

In this moment, I am not trying to be happy ... I'm not trying to NOT be unhappy ... I'm not trying to do anything, but to be present to THIS moment ... I want to live in this moment fully, as I am, without my pity party story being told and re-told ...

.

"When you feel the pain-body, don't fall into the error of thinking there is something wrong with you. Making yourself into a problem - the ego loves that. The knowing needs to be followed by accepting. Anything else will obscure it again. Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the is-ness of the NOW. You can't argue with WHAT IS. Well you can, but if you do, you suffer. Through allowing, you become what you are: vast, spacious. You become whole. You are not a fragment anymore, which is how the ego perceives itself. Your true nature emerges, which is one with the nature of God ..." (pg 184)

.

"How are you?"

In this moment ... I'm okay ... I can feel the space around my unhappiness ... I am ALIVE !!

.

... the journey continues ...

Dammit ...

.

I hate it when I read something that hit TOO close to home ... but with measured reflection, I know that I've been guided to it for a reason, and the challenge before me is to wrestle with my feelings and my response and to get to a better place ...

.

This week I read a passage (one I had read previously and marked with the word 'ouch!! this hits a little too close to home!!') and realized that I had read the words and recognized the truth in the words, but I never took the next step ... Yesterday acknowledging the reality of a very active, very dense pain body that I have been feeding through my thoughts and actions made me realize the profound truth in Tolle's words:

.

Sometimes people with such dense pain-bodies become activists fighting for a cause. The cause may indeed be worthy ad they are sometimes successful at first in getting things done; however, the negative energy that flows into what they say and do and their unconscious need to enemies and conflict tend to generate increasing opposition to their cause. Usually they end up creating enemies within their own organization, because wherever they go, they find reasons for feeling bad, ad so their pain-body continues to find exactly what it is looking for. (A New Earth, pg 152)

.
Yup ... a little too close to home ...

No where is the dreamer or the misfit so alone ...

SO ... I went to the RUSH Concert in Winnipeg ... it was alright ... an almost full house ... the music was TOO DAMNED LOUD ... you felt Peart's drumming at times more than hearing it - and I LOVE his drumming ... his 9 minute solo in the second act was AMAZING ... he ended with a Jazz riff that was completely AWESOME ... I'm glad I went ... but I went with a troubled heart ...

The last RUSH concert I went to was in Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens back in 1986 during their Subdivisions tour ... this concert compared pretty well to it ... but like the Concert in 86, this one was one I went to with a mixed bag of emotions ... I had been looking forward to going, but like Lennon said - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans ..."

I can't say I went for any other reason than not letting the tickets go to waste ...

A friend emailed me today saying: "Try and put a bit of your heart into the show, let it take you back to a time and place that was good and happy for you, that's what music should do.... Unfortunately sometimes it takes us to a not so good time or place, but that doesn't sound like the case for your and RUSH" I realized at the concert that for me RUSH doesn't take me to a place that is good and happy ... in truth there are only three moments in my life when I can say I was in a place that was good and happy ... May 21st 1994 ...September 23rd 1997 ... and May 20th 1999 ... ( author's note: the correct date IS, as Ms H reminded me in the comments today, September 23rd 1996, not 1997 as I erroneously wrote above ... I remember the day of her arrival in the world very well ... and for the error in dates, I apologize profusely! )

What RUSH brings me and has always brought me is - ESCAPE ... complete escape from everything else ...

Today on the drive into Winnipeg and home again, I listened (really listened) to Eckert Tolle's CD of A New Earth ... the piece I listened to was chapter 7 - "Letting Go" where he talks about letting go of our pain body ...

Over the last couple of weeks I've come to realize that my pain body is perhaps stronger than ever ... and has adversely affected many aspects of my life lately ... I've thought I was getting better ... in the last 72 hours I've come to realize how wrong an assumption that was ...

Reading the email from my friend and realizing that the music of RUSH has always been an escape for me made me realize that almost ALL of the music I listen to has a negative association to it ... I'm feeding my pain body ...

Tolle offers that the first step in diminishing and ultimately dealing with your pain body is by accepting its presence and owning the reality that it exists at all ... by naming and accepting the presence of the Pain Body, you are diminishing it's control of yourself ...

Today as I considered the extent to which I have allowed my life to be defined and determined by my pain body I realized how deep and dark it is ... and how powerful it has become within my life ... I realized that I am not in the "good" place I thought I was ...

The first step in dealing with a pain body is admitted it exists ... I know mine does ... my pain body exists and is manifest in a profound unhappiness in my person ...

There, I said it - "I'm UNHAPPY !!" and THIS isn't new ...

Tomorrow we begin the journey of living independent of my pain body ...

Music for a sunny, yet very cloudy day ...

Chalk ONE up for Common Sense ...

I'll admit to being a news junkie ... I check the online news sites of about a half a dozen networks and newspapers regularly ... but this morning when I read the headlines about the Supreme Court of Canada hearing the case of a guy suing a water distribution company because he and his wife found a dead fly in their bottle of water and he suffered EXTREME psychological distress and suffering because of it ... I was beyond shocked ...

BUT ... this morning the headlines across the board tout the Supreme Court's UNANIMOUS (9-0) rejection of this case, and not only toss the settlement of in excess of 300 000 dollars, but order the guy to PAY the court costs for the company he sued !!!

Every once in a while the stars line up and common sense seems to prevail ... this is ONE of those moments ...

Just because buddy spotted a fly (SPOTTED A FLY BEFORE HE OPENED THE BOTTLE) he claims he was traumatized and developed a phobia of water among other things ... sorry, but he has issues that clearly extend beyond the erstwhile insect floating in an UNOPENED bottle of water ...

I'm glad the Supreme Court slammed the door on this frivolous law suit by saying: a "person of normal fortitude, a more reasonable person, would have had a more reasonable reaction."

Thanks to the Highest Court in our land for letting common sense prevail and having the courage to say that lovely little word: "NO!!!!!"

Okay, I'll admit it ...

I drove in this morning with the van stereo

BLARING

and

it

was

playing

RUSH

.

.

and

.

.

I

WAS

singing along!!

.

.

The opening bars of

Limelight

take me back to 1982

when I popped an 8-Track I had JUST bought at K-Mart,

into the stereo of my mom's 79 Chrysler Cordoba

and hit 'PLAY'

It was the first time I heard "Limelight"

and I was in awe ...

... my love of RUSH began in that moment,

and it has never abated.

.

.

Saturday night - I'll be at the MTS Centre,

.

To Boldly Go ...

Every once in a while I read something in the headlines that just makes me feel good about the direction our world is heading ... The usual diet of bad news stories of violence, conflict and suffering gets pushed aside by something that can only be described as GOOD NEWS.

Yesterday I stumbled across just such a story ...

The headline was: "Mr Sulu of Star Trek to wed manager"

The story explained that because of the recent court ruling legalizing same sex marriages in the state of California, Geroge Takei and his partner of 21 years Brad Altman are intending to marry.

My only response was (and remains) - COOL !!!!

This is the kind of world I want to live in ... one of acceptance, understanding and ENLIGHTENMENT !!

I'm no Pollyanna - I know there's work to be done, but step by step, day by day, decision by decision - our world is getting better and better, in spite of itself !!!

Congratulations of George and Brad, and may you have 21 PLUS years of wedded bliss!!!

Week of Milestones continues ...

There are days when I wonder how the last 14 years of my life have slipped away ...

I still remember walking down the dark hallway of the Bella Coola Hospital in the early morning hours of May 21st 1994 cradling my new born son in my arms ... M was being tending to by the nurses following his delivery, and with the slight scare of him arriving a little blue and flaccid, I took him in my arms and walked the hall with him to give mom a break, and to admire the beautiful little boy we had been blessed with ...

As I walked the hall I heard a voice from one of the darkened rooms call out - "So?? A little boy or a little girl ..."

Our organist was in the hospital battling the first stages of the cancer than would soon claim her life ... she would be the first person to meet our son ...

I remember it like it was yesterday ...

Later that day I remember leaning in the garage door where Sam's now God Mother was building her cedar and canvas kayak, and saying - "I'm going to see my SON !!"

.

Then I after a visit with Noahkila and his mom, I headed off to join in the fun of Sports Day with the Nuxalk people and to share the good news that our baby boy had arrived safe and sound, and he and mom were doing fine ...

.

Today so many memories flood back ... cradling a wee boy, (who NOW looks me in the eye when he stands in front of me), in my arms and singing him to sleep ... roller blading behind his training wheeled bike as we tore around the sea wall at Stanley Park ... building his first tree fort ... visits to Tyrell Museum ... so many moments ... so many memories ...

.

Where to start ... where to finish ... 14 years creates many, many memories ... each one building on the last, and intertwined with so many more ...

.

I can't help but wonder though - how has the last 14 years passed by so quickly, and when did my little baby become such a fine young man ???

.

He and I may not always get along, and lately too many of the words that pass between us are marked by anger, frustration and other less than positive emotions ... but as his dad, I am incredibly proud of him ... I simply adore him, and the young man he is ... there is much I stand in awe of, and so much more about him that just leaves me smiling with pride ... I may not say it enough, but today is a good day to pause and say the simple words:

I LOVE YOU !!

and

I'm proud to be your dad!!

(this picture is an OLD one, but is one of my favs of him)

Happy Birthday Noahkila,

May you continue to brave the world with confidence

chutzpah, humour, and pride!!

Go and slay the dragons that stand in your way,

and KNOW that I still have your back !!

And that my son, WILL NEVER CHANGE !!!!

Okay ... I'll admit it ...

.

... I drove in this morning with

The Best of ELO (Electric Light Orchestra)

BLARING on the van stereo ...

,

... sometimes you just need some cheezy disco rock

to start your day ...

.

BUT

.

I won't verify whether I was singing along or NOT though!!??

Maybe I'll pop in ABBA for the drive home !!!

.

One of My Favourite Pictures ...

This was taken in the summer of 2006,

we took a whale watching tour out of Telegraph Cove BC

just before we loaded the van

and started heading back to Manitoba ...

little did I know then where the road would lead us ...

... Looking back, it's been an interesting journey ...

There was something poignant about this picture

then and now.

Things were changing ... events were unfolding ...

and our lives were about to take

some very unexpected twists and turns.

BUT this picture reminds us (and them)

of the most important thing you have through it all:

The Gift of Family.

Others may abandon you,

but your family in spite of challenges and difficulties,

will always be there loving you unconditionally.

Today Beetle turns 9

Tomorrow Noahkila turns 14,

(Ms H's September B-Day should not be forgotten either)

and not a day goes by when I don't think

how lucky and blessed I am to have them in my life.

They've made it ALL worthwhile.

It's been an intersting journey,

but I'm glad I have these three travelling companions!!

Love ya guys !!

A week of milestones ...

Today one of my favourite people turns

the ripe old age of 9!!!!

9 is a good number,

and a GOOD age.

I remember the day she arrived in our lives.

M woke up in the pre-dawn hours and went into the ensuite bathroom

in our house in Langley, I was awoken to her calls for help.

Her water had broken ALL OVER the BATHROOM.

We called the mid-wife, M got in the shower,

and her mom cleaned the bathroom while we waited for the Mid-wife.

Later after the Mid-wife came and checked her and said

"everything was fine", M went down stairs and we waited

with CBC overnight playing on the radio while contractions came and went.

By 7:00 the contractions were closer together,

the mid-wife was called as M went back into the shower ...

... later, at around 7:50 the Mid-wife quietly came down the stairs and said:

"Get the van ready and as close to the door as you can ..."

WE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL AS FAST AS WE

LEGALLY COULD ... we whipped M out and into a wheelchair

and into the hospital.

Aside from an argument with a self-appointed traffic cop

about where I could and couldn't park ...

HE IGNORED MY VERY PREGNANT WIFE GETTING OUT OF THE VAN

AS HE WARNED ME THAT I WAS IN A 'NO PARKING' SPOT !!!

Eventually I got parked in a proper spot, and made it in to the labour room,

had I been five minutes later, I would have missed

the arrival of my second daughter:

Who came into the world on May 20th 1999!!!

Happy Birthday my Darling!!!

Why Canada is one of the most beautiful countries on the planet ...

A 50 minutes bike ride from ANY road,

scenes like this remind us of why

The Group of Seven,

Grey Owl,

and countless others

were inexoribly and irresistably drawn

into the vast wilderness regions of this nation.

The sounds of frogs croaking, and a loon calling

simply add to the beauty of the vista,

and remind us of how beautiful our country really is.

.

One LAST look before it's gone ...

... with a coat of bluish white paint, the "delightful"

wall paper in the downstairs bathroom disappears

as we continue to prepare our house for sale ...
... it is NOT a wall paper I'll miss !!

Searching for my Axis Mundi ...

Today I tossed my bike in the trunk of the car and headed off to Riding Mountain for a wilderness bike ride ... something I have not done in a very very long time, and something I realized as I pedalled down the trail to Cowan Lake how much I needed ...

Being on my bike and pedalling along a trail, a road or a wilderness path is in a very real way my Axis Mundi ... on my bike is where I can pray ... think ... and with each kilometre marked - wrestle my way through the challenges I've been facing ...

I rode the almost seven kilometres in to the campsite at Cowan Lake, then continued on for another 15 minutes until I stood and gazed at the beaver pond below:

Then after a couple of pictures and a long drink of water ... I turned my bike around and headed back "down"the trail for the 50 minutes ... when I got back to the parking lot it was like I had left an enormous burden behind along the trail ... I felt lighter and more at peace than I have felt since my last snowy bike ride in the fall ...

It was an amazing and healing way to spend an afternoon ... one that was long, long, long overdue ... being out today on my bike helped me reconnect with myself and with that re-acquaintance, to reconnect with my axis mundi, something that has been there all along:

Scenes from Thursday Night ...

Ms H as one of the dancers in their school's production of

The Charleston ...

... the work to make her hair curly was

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

(but worth it - she was delighted and delightful!)

Noahkila played the Con Man trying to bilk an old lady

out of her fortune.

He cut a dashing figure in the top hat and tux,

and his ad lib was equally memorable as well.

Trying to find an Axis Mundi ...

I remember studying Mircea Eliade in my undergrad work at McMaster University way back in another Century. In addition to his work - "The Myth of the Eternal Return" (which incidentally made me critically think about the entirety of Christian Theology from a different point of view) we studied a number of his other works including "The Sacred and the Profane."

But what I remember most of all was Eliade's description of the Axis Mundi in human history. He likened it to the central axis around which we secure our meaning and understanding of the world and our place therein.

He cited the Totem Poles of the NorthWest Coast First Nations people as the most graphic example of this axis mundi. For in the totem pole is not only a physical axis around which the life of the family, the clan or the community revolve. The axis itself tells the history of the people for whom this axis has meaning. The figures are intricately connected to the people - the story told on the totem pole is the story of the people who raised it, maintain it, and live around it.

It is not coincidence therefore, that some of the Totem Poles were created as doorways into the communal long houses that they stood in front of. The act of stepping through the Gaping Maw of the Totem, or one of its creatures became a symbolic stepping IN TO the story of the people itself. By walking through the arch, you entered the very centre of the Universe for this group of people.

In First Nations culture the connectedness to PLACE is very strong. This past week I listened to a Native Leader speak of the importance of Community for First Nations people. As she spoke of the need to BE IN COMMUNITY, I thought of the axis mundi that community - PLACE - represents.

Most startling of all was her contention that First Nations people will stay in a dysfunctional toxic unhealthy community BECAUSE it is STILL a form of community. She noted that the community under the bridge in an urban centre may be a nightmare, but it remains a community, and for a First Nations' person, that community is life itself. To take them away from that dysfunctional community and offer nothing in return would mean death ... such is the NEED for community.

Community becomes the Axis Mundi ... and without the Axis Mundi in our lives we are not only lost ... we begin to die ...

This week I also started reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat, Pray, Love" about her journey of transition and transformation from the end of a marriage through to finding herself ... Her journey is ultimately about the loss of the Axis Mundi in her life ... her self-understandings, her roles, her place and her world is thrown into upheavel and she struggles to find her way forward ...

.

As I read her words I found too many of them ringing true for me and the journey I have found myself on in recent years ... One of my struggles has been in grappling with the mounting list of losses that I've experienced ... I've had wise friends tell me to stop tallying the losses, and instead take stock of what gains I've achieved and what I still have ... AND while I've tried to do that, it has been easy to slide towards the "woe is me" pity party that can only see the half-empty glass, rather than a glass half-full ...

.

Last night I read Gilbert's book and she shared her struggle with understanding herself and the place she found herself in as her marriage dissolved and everything she understood about herself began to melt away - I had an a-ha moment.

.

She had, in her life, become so focused on those around her that she allowed herself to be defined by their presence in HER life, rather than by her self and what she was. It was when a friend noted that there had been a significant change in her since she left the marriage that she realized how she had become a mirror to the person she was with. She observed in herself how much she had become like the new man in her life rather than being like her former husband ... the struggle she suddenly found herself confronting, was how to be HER OWN PERSON.

.

She then went on to describe the challenges of finding, and perhaps even creating that person who has been lost for a very long time ... the importance of find oneself independent of merging oneself with another ... the merging it would appear, could be an attempt to find an Axis Mundi in an unbalanced and ever-shifting world ... There is security and comfort in being "with" someone ... the is discomfort and insecurity being "with" only ourselves ... We are perhaps ALL hardwired for community, and community becomes our Axis Mundi, and when disaster strikes we begin to search out community (sometimes dysfunctional) to make us feel valued, loved and cared for ...

Glibert's struggle, and perhaps mine as well, is to find ourselves and to find within ourselves the axis mundi around which our cosmos turns ...

As I laid in bed last night I realized that the things I've always regarded as my axis mundi(s) have systematically disappeared ... individually they are not necessarily significant losses, but as they pile up, they become a dizzying array of items:

- the death of my Maternal Grandmother ...

- my mom's bout with cancer ...

- the presence in our life of two toxic couples posing as friends who had only thier selfish self-interest at heart...

- the loss of the Church in Minnedosa to fire...

- the vicious, petty nastiness that comes in the wake of such trauma...

- the betrayal of a co-worker I had foolishly called friend ...

- the political machinations of a group of fear-filled and hypocritical church leaders ...

- the failure of colleagues and associates to act much less speak ...

- the failure of onlookers to DO ANYTHING to stop the nastiness they could see ...

- the failure of the Church to simply LIVE its faith and stop being grossly political ...

- the outright lies spread through community and Church ...

- the implosion of our marriage...

- the closing of my home Congregation ...

- the loss of friends who found it expedient and easier to simply run away ...

- the loss of my job and role of Minister ...

- the loss of my reputation to lies, untruths and vicious gossip ...

- the evaporation of my career within the confines of the United Church ...

- the failure of the Greater Church to take of its blinders and open its eyes to the reality ...

- the lack of transparency and justice through the disciplinary process ...

- the shunning by a community that claims to be "warm and friendly" ...

- the failure of others to open their eyes to what was unfolding

- the petty political machinations of small minded bitter hearted folks who desperately had to be "right" and impose their will upon everyone else

- the hypocrisy of Church "Leaders" who will bad mouth me privately, but smile and wish me well to my face ...

- the acts of violence, physical, threatened, and verbal against me and my person ...

- the betrayal of people I had cared deeply for and loved as friends ...

- the feeling of being utterly, utterly alone ...

.

As I read Gilbert's struggles I understood what ALL of these things were in my life ... it was not so much the losses that were the issue, it was the loss of what I had held to as my Axis Mundi ... my understanding of the world and my place in it, my story, my sanctuary, my safe harbour in any storm has been slowly stripped away ... There is no longer a Totem Pole that I can look to as my safe place ...

This morning at worship the presider began by acknowledging what a joy it was to be returning to the place where she had been Christened, Confirmed, and Married, and now was honoured to be preaching ... she described the building where we sat as "Home" ... a place she could always return to and feel comforted ... I realized in that moment, that I no longer had such a home ...

.

For me, there are no Sanctuaries to return to ... I can drive my the houses of my Grandparents and Great-Grandparents, all of them places that hold special meaning in my heart and life, but none of them are HOMES any more - they are just buildings ... I have lost the physical reality of two Church Sanctuaries that were "Home" to me ... one a few blocks away that remains a vacant lot ... and another half a country away that now serves another non-UCC community of faith ... Even my spiritual home on the North End of Vancouver Island has become tenuous to my life because it is M's home church - NOT mine ... along the way, the people I had called friends have ebbed away through time and distance, and in some painful experiences through betrayal and abandonment ... my marriage has dissolved ... my role as minister was stripped from me ... and even my familial home back in Southern Ontario is just a place to visit ... and in the coming weeks the house that for 8 years has been HOME to us, will be sold and we will finish packing everything up and starting fresh in two households somewhere else ...

.

With no Axis Mundi to hold us in place we drift ...

.

And last night as I watched Reign Over Me, with Adam Sandler I had another A-Ha moment about why I feeling overwhelmed by things ...
.

near the end of the movie, as the Courts consider whether to place Sandler's character under psychiatric care in a hospital he confronts his In-Laws about the loss of his wife/their daughter, and his daughters/ their granddaughters in 9/11 - the seminal background event in the film ...

.

He asks them how they can assume that he doesn't feel anything ... then makes the quiet observation - "At least you have EACH OTHER !!" as he walks away.

.

"At least you have EACH other ..."

.

In that moment a light went off ... my NEEDINESS, my feelings of being LOST, and my sense of being ALONE arise out of that simple statement ...

Of ALL the losses I've experienced in the last five years ... the loss of community has been the greatest ... Those I called friends have all abandoned me ... (I AM very fortunate to STILL have a circle of caring, understanding, patient, and when necessary critical friends who have stood with me through it all) ... the betrayal of those I had cared about has been deep ... and when the storms formed and the crises began to unfold, like Sandler's character I couldn't see beyond the grief and the hurt ...

.

Being engulfed in the loss of your Axis Mundi is a hard place to be ... but having no community to be intimate with beyond the casual "hey, how's it going?" level of conversation is debilitating ... and that is the place where I have found myself again and again and again ...

.

"At least you have each other ..." is a stark reminder of the NEED for community ... not just buddies and pals, but people who care about us ... The last three years, the community I had called home has turned its back on me and has shunned me at every turn, reminding me that I have in their eyes become a failure and an embarassment ...

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This weekend, thanks to a book, a movie, a sermon, and prayer ... I've been reminded that even with the losses of my supposed axis mundi, there remains one axis mundi that has never failed me - MY FAITH ... and from that comes the gift of family ... and the blessing of friends ... and certainty that even in the darkest moments, when all seems lost ... the promise of Resurrection never falters nor fails ... God will see us through ... and one day we will no longer be alone, nor feeling overwhelmed by the losses ...

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Today may not be THAT day ... but I know in this moment I'm one step closer to that destination ... and that's a good thing ...

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Sometimes we JUST need to say - NO!!

Today over at Laughing Pastor, I read a piece that caused me to say - "AMEN!!" ... he was reflecting on the verbal stumbling blocks we toss around so easily in our faith journey ...
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The words: Can't ... Don't ... Not ... and BUT!!! are cited in this posting as examples of how our best of intentions run hard aground against a very different reality - particularly in the life and ministry of The Church.

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I couldn't help but think though, that the one word he missed is the word - NO.

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In the Church we generally don't like the word "NO" any more. We've come to associate it with what we can't do and what we are being told NOT to do, rather than seeing it as a healthy boundary that limits our actions for OUR OWN GOOD.

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Looking back as both a minister and a parent, I can't imagine living without uttering the word "NO" from time to time.

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For our children the word "No" is a limit for safety, patience, and growth. They may NOT like it in the short term, but in the long term sometimes it is our wisdom and experience coming into play for THEIR LONG term good ... I think all of us are secretly grateful to our parents for those moments when they said "No" to us as teens ... in the moment we hated them, but too often they were right (not that we'll EVER ADMIT TO IT, especially if it meant missing that big party, or some special happening !!??).

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In the church though we've developed an ethos that is pretty much a free for all with nary a "no" in sight ... we don't want to offend by saying "no" ... we don't want to thwart some one by saying "no" ... we don't want to be seen as an aggressive authoritarian presence by saying "no" ... but in the process we've become wishy-washy and wimpy ...

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We no longer really stand for anything, because we've forgotten what we're about in our blithe quest for niceness ...

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Somewhere in my files I have a brilliant piece by BC writer Doug Todd called "How niceness bedevils the United Church ..." He wrote that piece over 12 years ago, and it should have been a warning for ALL of us ... but we failed to heed his caution ...

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And so today we "trust in the Spirit" when confronted with bad behaviour ... we turn away when our colleagues and friends step up with the tatters of their lives, reputations and careers in their hands seeking our help ... we do nothing when toxic and incompetent leadership are guided by their egos rather than their faith ... we never dare utter the word - "NO" for fear of offending someone ...

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... And as a result the grounding principles of justice, honesty, integrity, fairness, equality and FAITH on which our Church was build are slowly eroded away ...

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Every time a lie is uttered ... a rumour is spread ... a secret is held ... a back is stabbed ... every time silence is kept ... in those moments when the simple word - "NO" needs to be spoken and people of faith say NOTHING ... we stumble.

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To some it may not be a big deal ... but to our lives of faith such a stumble is a betrayal of what we value as a Church and it serves to make us hypocritical and unfaithful ...

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I may be too polly-anna-ish in my outlook, but I agree with Blake - we need to expunge the words DON'T, CAN'T, NOT, and BUT, from our vocabulary of faith AND we need to start using the word - "NO!!" a little more often.

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I would dare to say Minnedosa United Church would already be in its new building by now, if there was some courage to tell a few people in positions of power and "authority" - "NO, you won't act this way ...", "NO!! you don't say one thing and do something else ..." and "NO!! You don't treat people this way ..."

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Looking back it is fascinating to note that over and over, the 90 something year old elders of the community kept saying this very thing - but no one wanted nor dared to listen to them either ... and so the community remains divided and homeless ... but the official story is - "it's ALL alright now, because Shawn is gone ..."

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Oh the tales we spin ...

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Too bad we've forgotten that sometimes the kindest word of all is a simple - "NO!!"

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One word could have saved us a lot of money, time and resources if someone had the courage to say it long ago to more than just me ...
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One day maybe we'll learn.
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Stupidity Knows No Limits ...

I can't help but wonder - what is wrong with people ???

Checking today's news I found a story about graffiti being sprayed on the Memorial to Fallen Firefighters in Ontario ... (click here to read it) ... There is no spin that can be put on this to justify such an action.

I know how I would feel to learn that something similar was done to the Memorial in Toronto or Ottawa to fallen Police Officers ... this is just senseless ...

But then, after the events of February 12th 2006, I suppose senseless acts of destruction shouldn't suprise me any more should they ...

The Wall of Honour in Orillia Ontario

In the OPP Headquarters in Orillia Ontario,

my father and 101 other Heroes,

are remembered for their sacrifice,

and more importantly,

for the example of their lives.

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For if we fail to remember them,
who will be left to remember but their families,
and we are ALL family.
They are Heroes in Life not Death.

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Music to Drive to for Today ...

Much needed rain arrived through the night, so the drive in was a bit grey and damp ... AND I'M NOT complaining in the least - WE NEED the rain ... OUR farmers NEED the rain ... the WHOLE region NEEDS the rain ...

So, as I pulled out on to the highway, I popped in a new cd I had picked up on Friday while roaming around Winnipeg ... it was the PERFECT CHOICE for the drive in today ...

The rich, melodious voice of Van Morrison combined with the slow paced music and the grey day made the drive in an enjoyable experience ... mind you, you can never really go wrong with Van Morrison in ANY weather !!!

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Friday ...

This week Ms H is entering the Historica Fair at her school with an project on her Grandfather Sam and the various memorials that record his sacrifice on behalf of the People of the Province of Ontario and the Country of Canada ... This June will mark the 40th Anniversary since his death on duty as a member of the Ontario Provincial Police.

Over the last couple of weeks Ms H and I have searched the Web looking for any and all information we could find on Grandpa Sam. A highlight included phoning the headquarters of the Ontario Provincial Police in Orilla, and asking for a photograph of the wall of honour that stands in the lobby there. It took several transfers between offices before I reached a woman in the museum housed there who was delighted to accomodate our request and assured me that it was neither an inconvenience nor a bother ... The jpeg that arrived later is much appreciated by both me and Ms H.

The picture above, from Friday morning is Noahkila looking back on the life of a man whom he never met, but with whom he shares much ... it is a poignant reminder of the importance of knowing our family history and heritage ...

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Yesterday's Hike ...

The kids decided to take M for a hike in Riding Mountain National Park - it was a beautiful day for it ...

Along the way we had a "visit" with a Mom and her three children, err - cubs:

Sorry the quality is what it is - but a mama bear and three cubs deserves to be observed from afar - in this case, from across a lake ... she took them down for a drink and a splash, before slowly meandering her way back into the brush ...

and some flowers for the day !!!!

For Today ...

IN HONOUR OF THE DAY - an old favourite still worth hearing.

HAPPY DAY to ALL the moms I KNOW !!!!

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... but right now, I THANK YOU NOT to roll your eyes at me !!!

THE BEST LINE IN THE WHOLE 2 minutes and 45 seconds of The Mom song!!!!

Happy Mother's Day ...

There is perhaps nothing more ubiquitous to motherhood than a bouquet of freshly picked dandelions ... brought eagerly into the house by a young person awed by their beauty and eager to share the discovery it with their Mom.

So, today for all the mom's I have had the honour of encountering in my life ... to them - moms and aunties, grannies and friends - all of those who have brought the gift of being a "Mom" to us ... I offer a bouquet of dandelions to say - "Have a Happy Mother's Day."

The United Church and Blogs ...

In the next couple of weeks the Annual General Meeting of The Conference of Manitoba and North-Western Ontario will be debating the following proposal:

WHEREAS The United Church of Canada has established Ethical Standards and Standards of Practice for Ministry Personnel; and

WHEREAS maintaining a Blog, or online journal, is becoming a common practice for ministry personnel; and

WHEREAS the established Ethical Standards and Standards of Practice for Ministry Personnel are silent on the practice of Blogging, and other online journaling; and

WHEREAS the practice of many employers is to set guidelines regarding Blogs and other online journals;

THEREFORE we propose that the Executive of General Council direct the appropriate body to include guidelines for maintaining a Blog, or other online contributions, within the Ethical Standards and Standards of Practice for Ministry Personnel.

I'm proud to say that THIS proposal was the DIRECT result of THIS BLOG and my unwillingness to stifle my opinions and my online voice here.

NOW, the leadership of the United Church of Canada in Western Manitoba - now pause to remember that the United Church of Canada has a very long and storied history of Social Justice and Social Action decisions ... We were the first to ordain Women ... we were the first to apologize to First Nations People ... we were the first to begin the conversation about the place and role of Gays and Lesbians in the Life and Ministry of the Church ... we have been among the first in many of the MAJOR liberal movements of faith and theology in the last 85 years - our legacy and heritage has been one of intelligent, enlightened and inspired debate and decision making leading us to bold new territories of faith and action ... BUT today we are heading to a conservative reactioary morass that is guided by fear, ignorance and close mindedness that would make even the most hard core Luddite proud !!

With this proposal, the Church leadership in Western Manitoba has decided that rather than dealing with the realities of the new technologies, it is easier to stifle free expression and silence those voices that ruffle feathers and bring much needed discomfort to those who have grown complacent in their faith. It is far easier to censor and silence than it is to recognize that SOME OF US are NOT ashamed to speak our minds openly and to lob much needed criticism to those who have become completely hypocritical in their faith stance.

But MOST IMPORTANTLY, there are still some of us out here in cyber-space who refuse to engage in the process that would hide behind closed doors and engage in a star-chamber decision making process that serves only to include the "right kind of people" and consolidate power in the OLD GUARD families and individuals who fear change and those who propose it. Instead we want to throw open the doors, and tear down the blinds and let the full glare of truth and openness pour into the dark hidden corners of this United Church of ours ...

Unfortunately, it would seem that voices like mine are destined to be muzzled like dear Hannibal ... our propensity to make the "good church people" uncomfortable has lead them to demand not only a pound of flesh, and our heads on a silver platter - but now they want our voices silenced as well ...

AS for ME - I'll have NONE of it ... This is a free country ... my father's name is etched on not one, but three permanent memorials to those who have fallen in the Service of this Country preserving the FREEDOM of its citizens ... I've taught my children to use their minds and to question as they learn ... I have read widely and learned much ... and I have an IQ that is pretty much as high as you can get ... SO, if this is the ditch I die in - so be it.

It's a ditch worth dying in ... It's time to claim back our church from the lawyers, the hypocrites and the fear-filled leadership that wants NICENESS to be the order of the day ... If Jesus lived among us, he DEFINITELY would be a blogger and his words would make EVEN ME uncomfortable !!!!!!

It's time for the church leadership to see the folly of their short-sighted, small mindedness !!!!

Oh, and if this posting offends you - GOOD !!!!

If you don't like what you read here - GO AWAY !!!!!

You're clearly NOT ready to think outside the tiny little box you've created for yourself, and your universe isn't ready to expand with thought and differing opinions - and THAT is the WHOLE point of "why do you blog?" for me !!!!

The world is about experiencing ALL that it has to offer ... asking questions ... getting messy ... and HAVING A HELLUVA A GOOD TIME along the way ... and in this place - this humble little blog that's what I try to do ... speak my mind ... ask the tough questions ... point out the messy little dark corners ... and just have fun !!!!

SO, if you can't handle the TRUTH, and you don't want your feathers ruffled once in a while - BE GONE !!!!!

As for me ... I'm ready for THIS FIGHT ... stay tuned ... and check out a couple of other places where I've raised this:

Over at United Online (click here)

and at WonderCafe (click here)

My only question to those who have come up with this and think it is a GOOD idea is this:

What's next ??? Will we be required to submit our sermons to a central authority for approval BEFORE we preach them???

Will our libraries be subject to searches to ensure that only APPROVED books and resources are found on our shelves????

Will having read books like 1984, Animal Farm, Mein Kampf, The Satanic Verses and others works deemed inappropriate be subject to disciplinary actions as well???

Will we be able to blog ONLY if we post pictures of puppies and kittens and muse about what a wonderful, warm and inclusive place the Church is, and avoid mentioning things like dissent, incompetence, hypocrisy and other things that would cause people discomfort???

Tell me - tell ALL OF US - WHAT'S next in the censorship you're trying to invoke ????

BECAUSE this is reactive nonsense at its absolute worst ... instead of dealing with the reality of the situation you blame ONE PARTICIPANT and tried in vain to drive him to his knees in repentance ... remember this - Galileo was eventually vindicated too !!!!

My sin around this little blog of mine, has been daring to speak a truth ... and I WILL NOT BE SILENCED, not now, not ever !!!!!!

Censorship has NO PLACE IN THE CHURCH !!!!

And this proposal is CENSORSHIP plain and simple ... and people of faith should have NONE OF IT !!!!

Peace all !!!!

Tonight's discovery ...

Tonight, I settled down on the loveseat to enjoy a mid-evening snack as a bit of a treat for the cleaning, painting and packing I've been doing lately ... I no sooner sat down then Chloe, our 14 year old feline Matriarch climbed up on to the love seat with me ... she the strolled (with intent) across the love seat and stood on my knee staring into the bowl perched on my OTHER knee ... I'm not sure if the licking of her lips was for effect, or from gluttonious desire ... but after a long stare she looked up at me and gave me the usual scolding ...

She again licked her lips ... and stared at the bowl ... after I lifted a spoonful of the treat to MY mouth I got a feline stare that seemed to say - "ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING???"

I pinched out a finger full of the treat ... and Chloe launched herself onto it like a kitten a fraction of her age ... she proceeded to lick my finger clean, then pointed her nose over towards the bowl again ... three times we repeated this process ... until the bowl was empty ... After a lingering stare along with a sniff of the bowl, I THEN GOT ROYALLY CURSED OUT as only Chloe can !!! (and DOES regularly!!).

And WHAT WAS THE object of her unbridled begging and enthusiasm ????

Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Ice Cream!!!!!!

ALL I can say is - "Good Call Chloe !!!! For a cat you have pretty good taste !!"

When You're Right ... you're Right ... or are you???

Last night I found some wonderful quotations about folks ... they are not the most complimentary statements ever made, and many of them have been proven to be HUGELY erroneous in their outlook ... As I read them, I realized how often the smug self-righteous stance taken by "authorites" and those in positions of power and influence are proven false ...

As proof that sometimes when you think you're right, and you act accordingly, history will prove you delightfully WRONG, I would offer the following statements about folks who proved their critics not just a LITTLE bit wrong, but who proved them HUGELY WRONG ...

For starters - a talent scout for MGM said in 1928 of Fred Astaire:
"Can't act, can't sing, balding slightly ... can dance a little."

Headmaster of Pembroke Lodge School of a student named Alec Guiness:
"You're not the acting type."

A rejection letter to John Le Carre, author of The Spy who came in from the cold:
"He hasn't got any future."

H.M. Warner dismissed "talkies" in 1927 saying:
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

A rejection letter for "The Diary of Anne Frank":
"The girl (Anne) doesn't, it seems to me, have a special perception or feeling which would lift that book above the curiousity level."

The following comments were made about an obscure band based out of Liverpool:
"Don't send them. They're so bad they'll spoil it for the others." - about a pending trip to Germany.
"To be frank Mr Epstein, we don't like your boys' sound ... Groups of guitarists are on the way out." - rejection letter from Dick Rowe of Decca Records in 1962
"We don't think The Beatles will do anything in this market." - rejection letter from Capitol Records in 1964.

Roy Disney (brother to Walt) speaking of Mickey Mouse in the 1930's:
"He's passe. Nobody cares about Mickey any more. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can't give away. I think we should phase him out."

Keith Moon, drummer for The Who to guitarist Jimmy Page about a rock band he was forming:
"You'll sink, not like a lead balloon, but even faster, like a lead zeppelin." (the in question would be named : Led Zeppelin!)

A rejection letter to William Golding for "Lord of the Flies" in 1954 read in part:
"It does not seem to us tha tyou ahve been wholly successful in working out an admittedly promising idea."

Head of a Drama school to a young Lucille Ball, on acting:
"Try another profession. ANY other ..."

New York city DJ Jerry Marshall commenting on the "fad" of rock'n'roll in 1956:
"Maybe next year it will be Hawaiian music ..."

Model Agency Boss Walter Thornton talking about Lauren Bacall:
"Never will Betty Becall attain a caviar and champagne lifestyle."

An anonymous MGM Producer after seeing the first screening of The Wizard of Oz:
"That "rainbow" song is no good. It slows the picture down."

A commentary on H.G. Wells' "The Invisible Man":
"The scientific machinery is not very delicately constructed, and the imagination of the reader is decidedly overtaxed."

MGM Producer's reply to Louis B. Mayer's offer of the film rights to "Gone With the Wind":
"Louis, forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel ..."

A Modelling Agency's advice to Marilyn Monroe in 1944:
"You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married."

A Broadway Producer turning down Arthur Miller's Play "Death of a Salesman":
"Who would want to see a play about an unhappy travelling salesman?"

Jack Warner's rejection of an aspiring actor named Clarke Gable:
"What can you do with a guy with ears like THAT??"

And perhaps there is no more indicting proof of the foolishness of "those WHO know" than the following comments about an up and coming musician by the name of Elvis:
"I never knew a guitar player worth a damn." - Vernon Presley his father.
"You ain't going no where son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." - Jim Denny of the Grand Ole Opry on firing him after his first performance.
"I tell you, Elvis can't last!" - Jackie Gleason in 1956.

Over and over, those who seem to "know" are proven wrong ... and the stinging rejection of others turns in to overwhelming achievement and success ... Just look at the decision by the makers of M&M candy NOT to have their candy featured in a little film called "ET: The Extra Terrestrial" M&M's loss was Reeses' Pieces gain ...

It just proves that when you're right ... sometimes you're grievously WRONG!!!! And those of us who have endured with sting of rejection, will survive and prosper ...

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83 ...

We remember:

Cpl. Michael Starker,

of the 15 Field Ambulance Regiment

Lest We Forget.