WARNING!!!!!

Over the last year, my life energy was described

as being like that of a TIGER.

-

The person sharing this view with me said:

"you are powerful and intimidating,

you're big and scary,

you have confidence and authority,

you attract and terrify,

you move quietly and silently,

and suddenly when you appear you scare

the living hell out of people

by your mere presence ...

AND

when you roar and bare your teeth and unsheathe

your claws the fear you invoke is real and visceral ...

... you are a mix of contradictions

with a strength and a ferociousness

that intimidates everyone but the very strong.

AND yet, you remain very much a

big house cat who wants to play, and lounge

and watch the world unfold ...

... but when the Tiger rises to act, or hunt ...

THEN things will happen ..."

-

I think she was right ...

-

In this moment, the Tiger has found a quiet place to rest,

but like his untamed counterparts,

he is watching ...

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Yesterday I read a passage in a book about Alpha Predators that

described tracking a Siberian Tiger in the Russian wilderness.

The author noted that they KNEW the tiger was there, and the

electronic tracking device on the tiger confirmed it,

and at times they knew it was watching ...

... but not once did they SEE it.

They beat a hasty retreat, leaving the forest sentinel

alone in the wilderness to find other prey.

-

Today, this tiger is moving silently through what

fragments remains of his territory ...

... he is watching ...

... he is listening ...

... he is being present to what is ...

and

MOST OF ALL

he is no longer afraid of

his power,

his strength,

his weakness,

his ferociousness,

his presence in the world,

his passion,

his intellect,

and MOST OF ALL - he doesn't

GIVE A DAMNED

what anyone else thinks of HIM,

because they have NEVER take time

to look into the deep dark shadowed places of his being

and see who he REALLY is inside ...

They simply don't know the real soul lurking inside.

and that is THEIR LOSS, not his.

-

One day the Tiger will make his presence known ...

... today remains a day for quiet...

-

Those who need it:

HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

A sign ...

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... standing in line at the Pharmacy,

I found this fridge magnet:

.

- this week I've begun exploring my life-purpose,

.

- this week I've stepped up to MY edge

and embraced my fears,

.

- this week I CAN say I TRULY HAVE

NO REGRETS ABOUT ANYTHING,

.

- and this week I REALLY learned

who my true friends are ...

.

... today I was given a sign,

that I'm on the right path !!!

.

And, so I pass it on to those

who need some directions too!!

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To a silent place ...

I will be back ... eventually ...

I'm not sure when ... but it will happen ...

Right now though, I've come to a place on my journey where I need to be silent ... I need to heal some profound wounds ... I need to find my way through the clutter and the chaos ... I need to step away from the things that continue to tear at my soul ... and instead just be present to this moment and what it offers ...

A long time ago (by blog standards anyway), I posted the following:

to walk with God,
no strength is lost,
walk on...

to talk with God,
no breath is lost,
talk on...

to wait on God,
no time is lost,
wait on ...

Like Elijah in the cave - God is that still, small, quiet whisper that we can hear only when we slow down enough to wait ... slow down enough to quieten our souls ... slow down enough to enter a place of Holiness where we find God on God's terms not ours ...

Today, I am claiming the gift of silence and time ... I need to step away from this place, and from many of the associations that are an important part of this place ... I need to sit and quiet my soul to hear the still small whisper ... it will come ... but for the moment:

It's about waiting ... and taking the time to be quiet and present to the moment without distraction ...

I'll be back ... I promise ... in this moment, it's time to let go of the shore ...

80

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"Today is not the day for questions and answers,

but rather a time to grieve with each other

and to let the family know that we care and share their loss."
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The circumstances don't matter.

22 year old Bombardier Jeremie Ouellet

died in Afghanistan while wearing the uniform of

1st Regiment Royal Canadian Horse Artillery

based in CFB Shilo here in Manitoba.

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His comrades, his family, and all of us mourn

the ending of a life so young,

and like the commanding officer said:

WE SHARE THIS LOSS !!

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Lest We Forget!!

!

Unbelievable ...

Oscar Wilde once wrote - "true friends stab you in the front ..."

Today for a number of reasons I recalled the moment in time where as the meeting dispersed that fired me from the Pastoral Relationship with the church in the lower mainland of BC, the Chair of the Board came up and offered me a hug and said: "You KNOW it was nothing personal ..."

NOTHING PERSONAL !!??

I had sat for two hours as EVERY LITTLE sin and misdeed I had ever done was thrown on the table ... I listened as my parenting, my ministry, my preaching, my time management, my sense of humour - EVERY FACET of my person was SAVAGED ... To say that I was left battered and bloodied by it, is to offer an under-statement of epic proportions ... It was ALL very personal and personally devestating ...

But in time I healed ... but I never fully recovered from the profound betrayal those attack embodied ...

Today I learned that maybe Wilde was right ... your true friends will look you in the eye when they plunge in the dagger ... Like Julius Caesar gazing upon Brutus kneeling before him, he watched as Brutus plunged in the knife before gasping - "Et tu Brute ..."

I've had one experience recently where a dagger was plunged into my heart, while the person "holding" it had the decency to look me in the eyes as they did it ... it didn't ease the pain, but atleast I know there was a friendship there ...

But it has been the cowardly attacks that have plunged knife after knife after knife in my back that I have grown tired of ...

- I've been lied about
- I've been lied to
- my house as been shot at
- my van has had the tire slashed
- my van has been shot at
- I've had good upstanding citizens flip me the finger as I walked down the street
- I've had venomous emails sent across the continent that spewed lies and untruths
- I've had my reputation not just sullied by destroyed
- I can see the reactions of many when they see me coming
- I've endured more than my fair share of betrayal and abuse
- I've had EVERY LITTLE misdeed chronicled and passed on
- I've had to justify EVERYTHING and in ALL things continue to be found wanting
- I've lost my job
- I've lost the career that I trained for and that I am DAMNED good at
- I've been hamstrung by people who are in it only for themselves
- I've had countless rumour and lies spread around town about me
- I've tried in ALL things to maintain my ethos, my values and my self-respect
- I've been MORE than adequately punished for my outspokenness
- I've taken my lumps for my misdeeds and mistakes
AND
- I've watched my children bear the brunt of ALL OF THIS AT SCHOOL ...

And so I've been left battered and bloodied ... but DAMMIT I'm still standing ... and I AM STRONGER than I have EVER been before.

But lately, the attempt by people in this community to Black Ball those who would associate with me, or that have for whatever reasons tried to maintain a friendship with me ... that's just too much. If waving the white flag is what it will take - so be it ...

They can't take any more from me, so instead they begin cowardly attacks on those who have tried to take the high road ... NICE !!!

But today a dagger was plunged in my back has cost me more than I care to even think about ... BUT, if nothing else, it has taught me a lot about me ... and it has taught me even more about how valuable my friendship has been to a whole circle of people ... it always sucks to be so wrong about stuff like that ...

Fortunately though, unlike Caesar, my wound is far from mortal ... I can extract the knife and the wound will heal ... but the damage done to friendships ... and damage to a community that claims to be warm and welcoming ... well, that wound runs deep - it would appear that the warmth and welcome is extended to you if you meet certain criteria, and clearly I never had ... so the welcome mat is being rolled up for me ...

SO be it ... it's NOT my loss ... I had much to offer (I STILL have much to offer) ... and in spite of the nastiness I've endured over the last couple of years, I've only wanted to see Minnedosa succeed and prosper ...

The ironic thing is that ALL of this transpired on a day when I had meeting after meeting with folks looking to make a difference to THEIR community, and wanting me to be part of thier team ... I was being invited in rather than being shut out and black balled.

It made me realize just why Brandon is growing in leaps and bounds, while places like Minnedosa are simply struggling ... it's all about being a team player ... the difference is whether the team is open to change and new ideas ... or not ...

And today I was reminded what it feels like to be the ONLY kid not chosen for the game ... it hurts ... especially when it comes with the realization of how disposable my friendship has truly been to so many ... fortunately, as I pass from this layer into the next one, moving ever deeper towards my life-purpose, I have the few true friends to accompany on the journey, and I keep encountering new ones along the way ...

... and with every step ... I learn more about me ... and my place in the world ... and most of all, WHAT I TRULY DESERVE in life ... and I know that I deserve more and much better than what I've been enduring lately ...

I've cared for my friends deeply, and I don't accept their departure lightly - but as I said - It is THEY'RE loss ...

Life will go on ...

DAMMIT !!!!

When I started my new job,

I thought I had a few ideas that could help

provide some of the answers to the

many challenges that Brandon is facing ...

.

... I still have the ideas and the enthusiasm.

.

BUT,

after a meeting this morning,

and a half a dozen other conversations that followed,

I realized that not only do I NOT have the answers,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THE DAMNED QUESTIONS ARE ???

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The journey continues ... and I'm learning LOTS AND LOTS!!

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Why I'm proud to be a dad ...

It's no secret that I love the music of John Coltrane ...

Since I first heard the haunting strains of his rendition of "My Favourite Things" almost twenty years ago, I have loved Coltrane ...

In the last couple of years my collection of Coltrane CDs has expanded to be in the several dozen ... when I hit a high end record store, or a book store with a specialty record area (Like McNally Robinson in Winnipeg) I browse through the Jazz section looking for hitherto un acquired Coltrane albums ... I've discovered a number of delightful albums that are part of my regular listening agenda.

Most recently I've kept a supply of my Jazz albums in office where I can indulge in my audio pleasure, while working on the computer ... even the daily drive to and from Brandon is punctuated by the soft tones of Coltrane ... It helps ...

But this weekend I had a moment where my inner world and my day to day world came together in a delightful way ...

While at the Conference in Winnipeg, my cell phone rang and Ms H's voice greeted me with a short concise "Hi ..."

"Hi," I replied.

"Can I borrow one of your Coltrane CDs?" she asked.

"For what?" I held back my surprise and growing delight.

"For a presentation at School," she replied, "I want to do a report on John Coltrane."

"Cool," I said, a broad smiling crossing my face, "sure go ahead and use it."

There was a brief pause before Ms. H spoke again, "Did you KNOW that his birthday is the same as mine?"

"Yes, I knew that," I said feeling very happy, "that's why I've always hoped you would be interested in Coltrane's music ..."

"Cool ..." came the reply followed by a hasty "Bye" and the addendum of "oh, I love you ..." followed by a click ...

Today I asked her how her presentation went.

"Good," she said, "but the boys weren't interested in the music ... they started fidgeting."

"Heathens," I muttered under my breath. Instead I said simply - "their loss!"

Ms Ha nodded in agreement.

So in honour of Ms H, I offer a clip I found recently on Youtube of Coltrane and Miles Davis cuttin' it up with a rendition of "SO WHAT" ... enjoy:

Moving Inwardly ...

The core of your life is your purpose. Everything in your life, from your diet to your career, must be aligned with your purpose if you are to act with coherence and integrity in the world. If you know your purpose, your deepest desire, then the secret of success is to discipline your life so that you support your deepest purpose and minimize distractions and detours.

But if you don't know your deepest desire, then you can't align your life to it. Everything in your life is dissociated from your core.

You go to work, but since it's not connected to your deepest purpose, it is just a job, a way to earn money. ...

Disconnected from your core, you feel week. This empty feeling will undermine you ...

However, when you know your true purpose, which is your core desire in life, each moment can become a full expression of your core desire. EVERY instance of career, every instance of intimacy, is filled with the power of your heart purpose. YOU ARE NO LONGER JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS ... BUT ARE LIVING THE TRUTH OF YOUR LIFE, AND GIVING THE GIFTS OF YOUR LOVE, MOMENT BY MOMENT.

SUCH A LIFE IS COMPLETE UNTO ITSELF IN EVERY INSTANT!!

(David Deida - The Way of the Superior Man)

Just Had To ...

Had to run a couple of lunchtime errands ...

... just HAD to run through the BK drive thru!!

YUMMY!!

(BUT, definitely NOT good for me!!)

I wonder ...

Being in a quiet introspective place is always interesting ... being open to the ebbs and flows to life around you, while you quietly wait for the "what's next?" moment opens your eyes to many things ...

The other night I was falling asleep while the tv was on in the background more for noise than anything else ... one of the cop dramas was on and the characters on screen were having a discussion about a missing woman they were searching for.

One of them said, "Let me get this straight. We're looking for a girl that we have no picture of, we don't know where or when she disappeared, and we don't even know where she works ??"

After a pause he said, "Where do we even start?"

As I floated in that ethereal margin between sleep and consciousness those words rolled around within me, and I wondered how someone could possibly disappear truly without a trace ... surely someone would miss them ...

In the next scene it was revealed that the only way that this woman was identified as missing was because her room mate noticed that the cat wasn't being fed ...

My last thought as I slid into sleep was - "Gee, at least the cat missed her ..."

The next morning I awoke with those snippets still roiling around within my psyche ... as I got my morning coffee ready I thought about an email I once recieved that asked if I thought about my value and contribution to the world (I posted it here a little over a year ago) ... it compared our life to placing our arm in a bucket full of water ... our lasting contribution will be the hole we leave when we pull our arm out ... and we will be thanked, and missed accordingly ...

It was a humbling post ... I've often thought about it ... I remember a mentor in ministry saying - "never lose sight of the simple fact that everything we do day and day out will amount to a line in the Church history that says - "so and so was here ...." followed by the dates."

I've always wanted my life to be more than THAT ...

Right now as I realize that so many of the labels that I have lived comfortably with for so long no longer apply to me as a person ... I have begun to wonder what my lasting contribution to the world might be ...

But more than that, as I watch my friendships with many simply ebb away for a myriad of reasons, and I find myself feeling more and more alone ... not lonely - but alone ... I can't help but wonder if I am becoming like that young woman in the cop drama the other night ...

If tomorrow, I simply didn't show up for work and vanished ... I wonder how long it would be before my absence was even noticed ... and even then, how many people beyond my children and a couple of dear friends would even care ... I have no doubt I would be missed eventually, but that would not be an immediate reaction. It would be more of a ... "Gee, I wonder what ever happened to him anyway?" sort of reaction ... I've experienced it clearly in the last couple of weeks as contact with "friends" has again been sacrificed ...

It's a profoundly humble place to stand ... In this moment I am able to look backwards at the path has been ... and simultaneously look forwards to the path that will perhaps be ... and to consider what our place in the cosmos really is: What is our lasting impression and impact on the world ???

I'm thankful that despite these ever continuing losses happening around me, I have a small handful of good friends that have continued to stick by me no matter what ... I'm thankful that I have my family, particularly my children who I KNOW would miss me. But the rest of it - particularly those who have become bell-weather friends and abandoned me in the shoals that we hit from time to time, I can only shake my head in sadness at the shallowness of what was supposedly a "strong" friendship ... and for my well being, I have to let it ALL go and focus on what is life-affirming, helpful and positive ...

A new layer is beginning ...

Starting the Week with Dieda ...

Without a conscious life-purpose, man is totally lost, drifting, adapting to events rather than creating events. Without knowing his life-purpose, a man lives a weakened, impotent existence, perhaps eventually becoming even sexually impotent, or prone to mechanical or disinterested sex. - David Deida

As you open yourself to living at your edge, your deepest purpose will slowly begin to make itself known. In the meantime, you will experience layer after layer of purposes, each one getting closer and closer to the fullness of your deepest purpose. It is as if your deepest purpose is at the centre of your being, and it is surrounded by layers of concentric circles, each circle being a lesser purpose. Your life consists of penetrating each circle, from the outside towards the centre ...

... as you dissolve each layer and move toward the centre, you will more and more be living from your deeper purposes, and then you deeper heart purpose, whatever that is, in every moment. However you are probably not living your deepest purpose yet. You probably need to burn off the karma, or fulfill the need, of the present purpose by which you are fascinated or distracted.

It's easy to feel disappointment by life; success is never as fulfilling as you think it is going to be. But there is a reason for this. Successfully completing a lesser purpose doesn't feel very good for very long, because it is simply preparation for advancing toward a greater embodiment of your deeper purpose. Each purpose, each mission, is meant to be fully lived to the point where it becomes empty, boring and useless. Then it should be discarded. This is the sign of growth, but you may mistake it for a sign of failure. ...

... among the signs of fulfilling or completing a layer of purpose are these:
1) you suddenly have no interest whatsoever in a project or mission that just previously, motivated you highly.

2) you feel suprisingly free of any regrets whatsoever, for starting the project or for ending it.

3) even though you may not have the slightest idea of what you are going to do next, you feel clear, unconfused and especially unburdened.

4) you feel an increase in energy at the prospect of ceasing your involvement with the project.

5) The project seems almost silly, like collecting shoelaces or wallpapering your house with gas station receipts. Sure, you could DO it, but why would you want to?

... the next layer of your unfolding purpose may make itself clear immediately. More often, however, it does NOT. ... there is no way to rush the process ...

... Simply wait ... whatever you decide to do, consciously keep yourself open and available to receiving a vision of what is next. IT WILL COME. ... learn by trial and error what is is you are to do ...

... you continually feel for the "groove" of your purpose. You might have a few false starts. But, eventually, you find ... it feels right for now ... you love what you do, so you generate love in those who come in contact with you. Your life feels full.

AND then one day, a few years later, it is finished. This layer has dissolved. And the cycle begins again, and again, until you have penetrated all the layers into your deepest purpose. Then you act fully, until that purpose too, is dissolved in the bliss of the love that you are ... - David Deida

...Times that you feel you are part of the scenery ...

This morning spun out of control early ... too many things going on ... voices raised ... tired children who hadn't gone to bed when they should have last night ... trying to do all the stuff that SHOULD have been done on Friday night, or yesterday afternoon ... I rushed out the door late ... forgetting too many pieces of my day ...

By the time I turned onto the highway I was a winding up a bit too tight ... "oh well, I have a 40 minutes drive in ..." I thought as I popped in a CD: "Supertramps' Breakfast in America ..."

With the volume absolutely cranked ... I hit the road and intended to just let the familiar music simply wash over me ... yet, in their familiarity the words of the songs spoke to the VERY place I've found myself ... a place of transition ... a place where I feel dis-connected and uncertain ... a place where there are more questions than answers ... a place where I am intentionally finding my way ... and confronting my edge of fear ...

As I listened to the music, I heard the words in a different way ...

Can there be any better song for a stress filled Monday morning than "The Logical Song?"

And as "Take the Long Way Home" and "Lord is it Mine" played I felt heartened ... and calmed ... they reminded me that THIS place is not unique ... others have been, and are there too ...

But the soulful "Lord is it Mine" reminded me that I MUST be present to the quiet place I am finding myself in ... a place of silence ... a place to not only name, but to confront my fears ... a place to sit in the quiet and dark and own the loneliness that I have so long tried in vain to avoid ... from this quiet place, I will IN TIME find my way ... it won't be today, and it may not be tomorrow ... but one day I will move from this place to where I WANT and DESERVE to be ...

It's been a long couple of years ... I've lost much ... but I still have much ... my challenge today is to stay centred in this moment and to NOT rush any of what is happening around me ... I need to trust, in the journey that in time I will find myself moving from a place of darkness to a place of light ...

It will happen ... today, it was helpful to get a little reminder:

Today on the lake ...

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The sun was shining - but it was cold, cold, cold ...
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There are few pleasures as wonderful as skating along a natural ice surface like a lake, or in the case of Ottawa and Winnipeg, the Rivers that wend their way through thier environs.
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Fortunately for Minnedosa, we have the vast ice covered surface of the Lake to explore ... or at least a small cleared corner of it !!
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I love skating on the surface of lakes and looking down to see the thickness of the ice ... the cold green-blue of the water, and the occassional glimpse of the bottom !!! I remember skating on Lake Ontario in front of Queens University many years ago and watching the fish swimming (albeit slowly) underneath the ice ... it was amazing!!!
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No fish today, but it was a good day to be skating across the ice:
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I'ts Funny ...

Today I was puttering around the house, recovering from the exhausting weekend Conference in Winnipeg (I have MORE than a few musings to blog about THAT ... but that will come later) ... I was in a quiet introspective mood about many things ... me and my mug of coffee were quite contentedly hanging out ...

Then on CBC, Stuart McLean had Canadian Musician/songwriter Dan Hill on, and Dan played his touchstone song "Sometimes when we touch," a song I've heard a MILLION times before ... but today as I sat at the table paging through the newspapers, sipping my coffee I found the words echoing in the place I've been struggling in lately ... His words spoke a truth ...

It's funny when that happens ... when a song on the radio speaks the words of your innermost being ... and when it arrives at just the right moment ... Today as I considered the fear in me ... I understood better what I can and cannot do about it ...

The forgotten aspect of fear ...

Today, as I reflected on, and reread my previous postings I realized that I had failed to own a significant piece of my journey ... it's not that I don't see it, and understand it, and embrace the need to deal with it ... I just forgot to name it ...

In my fears, I have managed to lash out and hurt those I care most deeply about ...

In my woundedness and self-pity, I have hurt friends ... and those who have tried to help ...

and as I look back over those moments, I cringe at the thought of what my actions, my words and my thoughts have done to those I truly DO care about ...

The words: "I'm Sorry" are so inadequate ... yet, so necessary ... I only hope those ears who need to hear them will ... and in time we can heal the broken bits ...

Because I am truly Sorry ...

Do we even see them ??

I am attending a Conference in Winnipeg on Food Security ... there have been a wide range of issues from Bio-fuels, through to justice of charity, to Community Gardens ... many words have been spoken, many ideas have been raised ... but over and over and over we hear that the reality of our world is THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY PEOPLE LIVING WITH INADEQUATE FOOD, SHELTER, AND CLOTHING, IN THE MIDST OF A SEA OF IMMEASURABLE WEALTH!!!!

As I have listened to the speakers and considered the work I've taken on, and the many challeges we have before us, I've realized that perhaps the issue is not that the problems themselves are too big to be addressed ad changed, but perhaps we need to change our perspective ...

Instead of asking - "what can we do about global poverty?" perhaps we need to be MORE mindful of what we as individuals can do in our neighbourhoods and communities to address the poverty we see every day ...

Instead of saying - "Our Governments need to do more," as we demand MORE tax cuts, perhaps we need open our eyes to just what our taxes bring us, and ask that MORE taxes be used to look after the poor and marginalized ...

Instead of throughing up our hands and DOING NOTHING, or worse looking through the lenses that place the blame for the problem on the VICTIM, perhaps we should alter our attitudes and begin to ask ourselves what WE WOULD DO IF WE FIND OURSELVES IN THAT PLACE ...

and most importantly of all - instead of just talking about the problem and how big they are and how hard it is to change the systems, perhaps we just need to start doing more on a day to day basis to leave a positive impact in the world ... Instead of being selfish and looking out for only ourselves, we need to reorient ourselves to be global citizens who live lives of compassion, care and openness ... embracing the values that so many whisper to us, but that are lost in the rabble of a culture that has simply lost its way ...

We need to change the world ... and that begins by seeing the people who rest by our gates waiting for compassion ... the rest is easy ... it starts by opening our eyes, reaching out our hands and generously sharing our wealth of time, talent and treasures ...

It's THAT simple ...

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The journey ...

I realized this morning that I am very skilled at helping OTHERS see the journey they are on in small, easy pieces ... Instead of being overwhelmed by the apparent mountain that lies before them, I offer encouragement to them to see the journey, not as a whole, but as a series of small manageable steps ...

I remind them to focus on what lies ahead, and to leave what is behind in the past ...

I say that if you keep focused on the present STEP, suddenly you will look up and find out you've reached the top of the mountain and all of the stresses you feared will have been non-existent ...

I share these words numerous times with friends, family and those who happen across my path ... I've spoken them as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, and as a professional ... I've believed them ...

But this morning I realized that I have never been good at practising them for myself ...

Talk has been cheap, and I've fallen into the trap of "do as I say, not as I do ..."

Today I have to change that ... I know what I want in life ... I know what I want to feel inside ... and I know those things are achievable and they will happen ... my challenge is to end the paralysis that has come from my fear, and instead take this journey ONE STEP AT A TIME ... and focus on this moment and not worry about the destination ... and not worry about the things I've done in the past ...

I will offer my apologizes where they are necessary ... I will take my lumps where appropriate ... and in the fullness of time those people who I truly care for and care about, and who are my friends will find their way through to remain present in my life ...

I WILL LIVE AT MY EDGE, and I WILL embrace my fears and live a fulfilling life - ONE STEP AT A TIME !!!

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Opening My Eyes that I may see ...

David Deida writes:

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Fear of fear may lead you to hang back, living a lesser life that you are capable. Fear of fear may lead you to push ahead, living a false life, off-center, tense and missing the moment. But the capacity to feel this moment, including your fear, without trying to escape it, creates a state of alive and humble spontaneity. You are ready for the unknown as it unfolds, since you are not pulled back or pushed forward from the horizon of the moment. You are hanging right over the edge ...

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This morning I awoke with a profound realization of how deep my fear is in my life ... and how the events and happenings of the last couple of years have not dispersed that fear but have only deepened it ...

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The tally of my losses is breath-taking ...

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I lost my reputation ...

I've lost my job ...

I've lost friends ...

I've been shunned by a community that purports to be warm and welcoming ...

I've been rebuffed in more ways that I can count ...

I've lost my enthusiasm ...

I've watched my marriage implode ...

I've lost the respectibility I once had ...

I've lost my certainty and security about me ...

I've lost my way ...

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What I realized this morning as I laid awake in wee hours of the morning (it's that 4 am thing again!!) was that through ALL of this runs a common theme ... FEAR ...

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Fear of not being liked ...

Fear of being unloved ...

Fear of being alone ...

FEAR ...

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As I inventory my strengths, instead of my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, I can, if my eyes and being are truly open, see that I have been off-center and tense in my life ... and that I have engaged in repeated Quixotic tilts after windmills in my path ...

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I have had too many friendships that were utterly toxic and based on nothing but the manipulation of others to achieve their ends regardless of the cost to me ...

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I've engaged in foolhearty quests believing that the cause was right and just only to be proven horribly wrong and have lost my reputation and credibility as a result, and ultimately - MY JOB ...

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I have trusted people to do the right thing and to act in a fair and loving way only to watch as they have given in to their fears and done nothing ...

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I have been deeply hurt repeatedly by the people I have let in as friend ... and I have repeatedly hurt those who I value as friends ...

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Perhaps most startling of all is the realization that my deepest fear is the yearning to be loved ... and the lingering fear of being unlovable ... and unworthy to be loved ... and that everything I've done ... everything I've believed ... and everything I've said ... arises from the debilitating impact of that lie ...

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And the bottom line is that I am no innocent victim ... I have no one to blame but ME ... I have let these things happen because I have let my fears be in control ... I LET THIS HAPPEN !!

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Today I know that with time I will heal ... I know that I will learn to trust and even to love ... and that in time I will feel worthy of being loved ... But today in this moment, standing quietly at my edge, seeing and feeling the fears that have burdened me is a profound moment of realization and understanding ... I have this moment ... and from this moment will come what I need to face whatever lies ahead ...

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Alone, or in a place of feeling loved ... it's about liking myself and embracing THAT fear ... and perhaps my deepest fear is simply never feeling good enough to be loved much less liked ...

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... By leaning just beyond your fear, you challenge your limits compassionately, without trying to escape the feeling of fear itself. You step beyond the solid ground of security with an open heart. You stand in the space of unknowingness, raw and awake. Here, the gravity of deep being will attend you to the only place where fear is obsolete: the eternal free fall of home. Where you always are.

.

.

In this moment ...

A few weeks back over at At the Half Note, Katie offered a funny and yet strangely accurate reflection about 4 o'clock in the morning ... (click here to see it) ...

Today I find myself pondering - "WHAT IS IT ABOUT FOUR AM IN THE MORNING ANYWAY?"

I'm in a hotel room over looking Portage Ave in Winnipeg ... out the window I can see the old Hudson's Bay Store and off in the distance the Art Gallery and the Legislature ... I'm exhausted, yet sleep remains elusive ... there is so much I want to say, but yet my words just trip over themselves and cause hurt ... worsening a situation rather than helping it ...

My one solace is dawn is a few hours away and I can, with its arrival, begin to create the day as I need it to be ... in this moment, I only wish I could find a way to quiet my heart and temper my love and care ...

I regret very few things in my life, and I know that it is not regret that keeps me awake ... just a dull ache that continues to linger ...

What was the photographer thinking?

So the bull is saying: "excuse me? Do I know you ??"

and the guy snapping the picture is saying????

I'm curious about your responses ...

Day Three with Deida ...

Eternity must be a man's home, moment by moment. Without it he is lost, always striving, grasping at puffs of smoke. A man must do anything necessary to glimpse, and then stabilize, this ever-fresh realization and organize his life around it.

Make your life an ongoing process of being who you are, at your deepest, most easeful levels of being. Everything other than this process is secodary. Your job, your children, your partner, your money, your artistic creations, your pleasures - they are all superficial and empty, if they are NOT floating in the deep sea of your conscious loving.

Know eternity ... Do whatever it takes. And from this depth of being, live the details of your life.
(David Deata)

I have this moment ... and it could perhaps be the ONLY moment I have ... and so my challenge is to make it perfect and connect it with eternity ...

Tonight as I write this, I know that I would rather journey forward alone, than share the journey with one who doesn't speak to my soul ... Tonight I do not so much fear the prospect of being along, as I feel deep sadness that one who uttered such a whisper may be forever gone from my life ... tonight I've realized that this is the EDGE I must face and live along ...

Atleast in this moment ... I have come to a place where I may finally live my life fully ...

I just loved this pic ...

Poor cat ... but lucky us !!!

Lessons from friends ...

I started yesterday open to all possibilities ... my goal was to create a positive day in the midst of a maelstrom of change and turmoil I've been experiencing lately ...

By last night as I closed my eyes I could look back on an incredible day filled with wonderful conversations, enlightened moments, and signs and wonders that filled the time with awe ...

It started by listening to the words of David Deida who I am reading once again ... but it unfolded by receiving lesson after lesson from contact with friends, both old and new ...

In the morning I spent time reviewing the workings of one of the service providers in Brandon with the director ... our conversation covered the many and diverse aspects that are under their umbrella of service. But what drew me was the services they offer to women in abusive circumstances.

The director reminded me that no all abuse is physical. We then talked about the heart-wrenching propensity of women to overlook the verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse by saying - "I still love him ..." and try to work things out when the best thing they can do is simply walk away ...

We talked for sometime about the cycles that play out and how without friends and support women often never break free and live lives of desperation and fear believing that this is all they are entitled to ...

Later in the day I had lunch with a friend who is on a journey of healing and transformation, and who is struggling with issues of self-esteem and self-worth ... She can't see her self the way those around her clearly can ... We laughed and spent a lot of our time talking about re-visioning OURSELVES as we create a new reality for ourselves ...

The rest of the afternoon was a blur of conversations, computer work and papers passing over my desk in an undulating wave ...

Then in the evening I had a conversation with a friend who is feels unworthy and insecure ... we talked for a long time about the verbal and emotional abuse she experienced at the hands of her partner for years ... as she shared her experiences I thought of a conversation I once had with a First Nations Elder many years ago ...

I shared it with her ... The elder said the problem he sees in his community is that too many people are weighted down by problems and burdens that have pushed them to the ground and prevent them from seeing the road ahead or continuing to move forward ... He paused and said - "you know, the only way someone can climb on your back, or place a burden there is if you let them ..."

He then watched the blue-green water of the river we were sitting beside flow by for a few minutes before speaking again ... "We need to stop bending down and letting people put their crap on our back, or climb on themselves ... we have to stand proud and straight and keep those things off our back ..."

As I recounted this story with my friend, I thought about the many people I know who are heavily burdened, and how if they only learned to stand up straight they could achieve so much ...

Today the strongest lesson I learned was that sometimes our friends are able to see us and the circumstances in which we live more clearly that we can ... because when we are weighted down, our vision is fixed on the ground at our feet rather than at the horizon of possibility that lies ahead ...

Yesterday I was reminded of not just the horizon of what can be ... but more importantly I was reminded of how to keep heading in that direction ...

One step at a time ... and with friends like I have ... it WILL be a good journey ... today I continue it ...

Reclaiming a Meme ...

Back on February 25th, I received and accepted a Meme (click here to revisit the post), and I in turn forwarded it on to Shauna over at Up in the Night, UNFORTUNATELY, Shauna tagged Carrie Wilson from Fully Caffeinated (a Blog I thoroughly enjoy) but Carrie only added a comment and it would seem that our Meme has stopped there ...

Well, I'm not sure if there are rules on these things ... but tonight I'm going to reach out (or back) and reclaim the Meme and revive it ... I will not delete either Shauna's or Carrie's contributions, but I will leave them there and hand the Meme on to another blogger ... so to recap Shauna wrote:

Prairie Preacher has tagged me with this interesting meme. My Own Woman created it and these are her instructions:

1. List ONE desire that you have if you could live in a perfect world.

2. Then send a link to ONE person who will then copy your desire and add ONE desire of his own that he/she would want in his/her perfect world.

3. He/She will then link ONE person who will add his/her perfect world item.....and on and on.

Make sure you leave the name of the person you linked to everyone can see who you linked and what the perfect world will contain."Because this meme hasn’t gone too far yet, I thought I’d include all participants’ descriptions of their perfect world."

"In My Own Woman's perfect world people of all sexes, creeds, race, and sexual orientation would live in perfect harmony with each other. Hate crimes against such people would be a note in a history book so as not to be repeated. "

We love Shawn, the Prairie Preacher, and here’s what he added:

“In The Prairie Preacher's perfect world, I would definitely and absolutely affirm what My Own Woman has offered ... but I would add as my one desire that instead of easily speaking words like respect, care, faith, love and so on, EVERYONE would live out those words through their actions ... if we claim to be a person of faith, our lives will reflect that faith in ALL things ... or if we join a service club with a code of ethics or a value statement we don't just speak the words and ignore them, but we LIVE them with every action, and every breathe ... My desire in a perfect world would be to see ALL PEOPLE live the words they speak and no longer be so hypocritical."

Those really are perfect. And I would add:

In Up in the Night’s perfect world all people would look out for one another, performing small and large acts of service in efforts to make one another’s loads just a little lighter.

Now I tag Carrie at Fully-Caffeinated to discover what her perfect world entails.

Carrie, in Shauna's comments column added one word: LOVE.

SSSOOOO, on behalf of Shauna and myself I pass this Meme on to CandyGirlFlies over at "I Can Fly, Just Not Up." to add her idea of what a perfect world would entail ... Hopefully this will help bring much needed sunshine to her days ... What say you CandyGirlFlies????

So, we await CandyGirlFlies' reply ...

Day Two with Deida ... Living on the Edge

It is honourable for a man to admit his fears, resistance and edge of practice. It is simply true that each man has his limit, his capacity for growth, and his destiny. But it is dishonourable for him to lie to himself or others about his real place. He shouldn't pretend he is more enlightened than he is - nor should he stop short of his actual edge. The more a man is playing his real edge, the more valuable he is as good company of other men, the more he can be trusted to be authentic and fully present. Where a man's edge is located is less important than whether he is actually living his edge in truth, rather than being lazy or deluded.

Pick an area of your life: perhaps your intimate relationship, your career, your relationship with your children, or your spiritual practice. ... Where do your fears stop you from making a larger contribution to mankind? ... if you were absolutely fearless, would you be earning your living in exactly the same way as you are now? YOUR EDGE IS WHERE YOU STOP SHORT, OR WHERE YOU COMPROMISE YOUR FULLEST GIFT, AND INSTEAD CATER TO YOUR FEARS.

Have you lost touch with the fears that are limiting and shaping your income and style of livelihood? If you have deluded yourself and feel that you are not afraid, then you are lying to yourself. All men are afraid, unless they are perfectly free. If you can not admit this, you are pretending to yourself, and to others. ...

Honour your edge. Honour your choices. Be honest with yourself about them . Be honest with your friends about them. A fearful man who knows he is fearful is far more trustable than a fearful man who isn't aware of his fear. And a fearful man who leans into his fear, living at his edge and putting his gift out there, is more trustworthy and inspirational than a fearful man who hangs back in the comfort zone, unwilling to even experience fear on a day to day level. A free man is free to acknowledge his fears, without hiding them, or hiding from them. Live with your lips pressed against your fears, kissing your fears, neither pulling back nor aggressively violating them. (The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida)

Today I start to live at my edge ...

.

I know some of my fears ... those I can deal with easily ... I will do my utmost to face my fears, both the known and the unknown, and to not let them control nor conquer me ... Instead I will embrace my fears ... and overcome them with the confidence that comes from KNOWING that as I redefine myself and continue this journey of enlightenment and evolution, I am becoming a better person ...

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TODAY I will start to face down my fears and live more FULLY !!!

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By the way ... I can't help but think that THIS bit of advice from Deida is true for women too ... instead of shrinking from their fears into inaction, all of us men and women, need to live at our edge and no longer give into our fears!!!!!

TOO Good NOT to Share ...

I found this on a friend's Facebook profile ...

... it is too good not to pass on!!!

Some days are like that !!!

Day One ... the first step ...

You are either living fully, giving your gift in the midst of those challenges, even today, or you are waiting for an imaginary future which will never come. Men who have lived significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease or women. Feel what you want to give most as a gift, to your woman, and to the world, and do what you can to give it today.

EVERY moment waited is a moment WASTED, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose. ---------------- (David Deida - The Way of the Superior Male)

Time is too precious to waste trying to recapture the past ... I will strive to live looking forward, creating this reality to be what I NEED and WANT it to be, and I will find companions who share the view of the world ...

The FIVE Things I will do starting NOW:

From the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh, I offer the five steps of mindfulness he suggests for a journey of healing and wholeness ... Today I begin to live them out by taking the leap ...

1) Reverence for Life:
Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not condone any act of killing (or violence) in the world, in my thinking or in my life.

2) Generosity:
Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving-kindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I vow to practise generosity by sharing my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering, or the suffering of others species on earth.

3) Sexual Responsibility:
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined NOT to engage in sexual relations without love and a long term commitment.

4) Deep Listening and Loving Speech:
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain, and not to condemn nor criticize things of which I am not sure. I will make all efforts to reconcile ad resolve all conflicts, however small.

5) Mindful Consumption:
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to ingest food or other items that contain toxins such as certain TV programmes, magazines, books, films and conversations ... I am aware that to damage my body, or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and my future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger and contusion in myself, my friends, and in society by practicing this diet for myself, my friends and the society.

(source - Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh)

As I read these words several weeks ago I felt a deep resonance ... they do not set the bar far beyond where I've already been aiming

... I have always had a reverence for life, and an aversion to all forms of violence

... I have always prided myself on being generous of time, talents and treasures - perhaps too generous - but generous

... I have NEVER engaged in the act of sex with someone for whom I don't feel DEEP LOVE and INTENSE COMMITMENT - EVER - when I have given my body, my heart and soul have followed ... and that has and WILL NEVER change ...

... in my journey over the last year I have found my strength of deep listening has sometimes been tripped up by a tongue that has been too rash and too sharp - in this, my commitment is to work on uttering only loving speech

... and the final act of mindfulness is the ONE that has always been easy for me - from shopping locally, to prioritizing Fair Trade products, to raising awareness about Food Justice issues ... my consumption of food, books, tv, movies and EVERYTHING has been guided by a deep respect for life in ALL its diversity ...

So, today I affirm these things on my journey ... as I continue to seek wholeness and healing from within ... transformation is possible if we are willing to let it happen ...

And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street ...

So today I journeyed down Mulberry Street ... or in this case - the Trans Canada Highway to Winnipeg ... and oh the things I've seen ...

I watched the most spectacular sunrise I had seen in a while ...

I drove on roads that were as icy as a hockey rink ...

I watched a flat deck semi carrying a load of World War II (or Korean War) vintage Jeeps - the REAL thing ... just beautiful ...

I passed a house travelling west bound at about 100 kms and HOUR (60 miles /per hour) !!!! I was impressed ... and a little scared ...

I watched to Light Armoured Personnel Vehicles blast down the highway on a training exercise ... the four exposed Soldiers sitting on top caused me to shutter as I thought of thier comrades driving through Afghanistan in the same way ... they looked TOO YOUNG and TOO VULNERABLE ...

but the scene that blew me away was on the return trip...

On the way east on Hwy 1 there were four or five vehicles that had slide off the road in the section west of Winnipeg - a mini-van and three or four trucks - all but one a 4X4 ... COMING HOME though, there had to be close to a dozen vehicles off the road in the same stretch ... some of the first ones were gone - and had been replaced ... but what struck me was the FACT that everyone of the vehicles I was passing were 4X4s !!! Everyone !!??!!??

I suppose the drivers figured - "I'm a four by four ... I don't have to slow down on the ice ..."

Ooops !!!! They were clearly wrong ...

I wonder if it was a sense of invulnerability that kept them clipping along?? But whatever the reason I kind of liked the fact that my little Toyota van held the road well ...

And to think I saw it all on Mulberry ... I mean Canada's Main Street !!!

Letting Go to Claim and Experience More ...

I remember watching a video once of an attempted rescue ... A young woman was trapped in rushing water and a group of people on the shore kept tossing her a life ring ... over and over it would land near her and she would half-heartedly reach out to it only to pull back her arm rather than grabbing hold and being pulled to safety ...

Even the encouragement of the crowds on the shore urging her to grab the ring and hold on were to no avail ...

Eventually the tree or shrub she was clutching was swept away with her still clinging to it ... the commentator noted in a dry tone that "her body was recovered later many miles down stream."

It was one of the most heart-wrenching videos I've ever seen ... yet, it is a video of a scenario that is likely more common than we realize ...

I recalled that video today as I was thinking about the likes of Christopher Columbus, John Cabot, Samuel D'Champlain, Magellan and the others who so broadened our world in the 15th and 16th Centuries ... These men took fragile little wooden boats and boldly (some would say foolishly) set out into the unknown to search for something that may or may not be there ...

As I thought of them, I recalled a quotation I've posted here before:

One does not discover new lands
without consenting to lose sight of the shore
for a very long time ...
- Andre Gide

How true ... the early explorers boldly and courageously let go of the comfort of what was behind them and set sail into the unknown, only to "discover" incredible new lands that were filled with possibilities, potentials and unimaginable riches ... (we won't get into the effect on the First Peoples they "discovered" today ... let's stick with the metaphor)

What really struck me though was the connection this made to a passage I had read last night in a book on leadership ... and the rejection of leadership by our anxious society.

The author was talking about the chronic anxiety that marks so much of modern society and suggested that this anxiety is a result of FEAR ... fear of the unknown ... fear of change ... fear of insecurity ... fear of uncertainty ... Fear in many different forms ...

This fear then forms anxiety within us and we begin to desire the comfort and certainty that comes with holding tight to the KNOWN ... Instead of taking a chance on the unknown, in our anxiety we will instead tighten our grip and justify our hold with words like tradition, comfort, security, safety and even love ... the author then points out that what may be needed for growth and an eliminating of the underlying fear (even if we don't know what it is) is the letting go of the PAST and the comfort it brings, and and embracing of the FUTURE and what it WILL offer ...

He likens this to two things - the early explorers who did just that and broadened the world in a real and tangible way ... the other thing he likens it to is women (and some men) caught up in a cycle of abuse, who cling to a destructive and unhealthy partner in spite of ALL the evidence before them - and they justify it with phrases like "but I still love him ..." or "he's a good man ..." and they close their eyes to the unhealthy and toxic elements of their relationship ... they forget, they can still love someone - but walk away for their OWN GOOD and for their JOURNEY of wholeness and evolution.

Today I realized how central that whole idea has been to me ...

Over the last two years I've experienced a maelstrom of change and transformation ... but much of it has been superficial because I haven't been willing to let go of the tree, nor lose sight of the shore ...

I've tried to win back my job ...
I've tried to restore my reputation ...
I've tried to help EVERYONE else in an attempt to feel fulfilled ...
And over and over and over I've set goals that have been unattainable because the rejection I feel when I fail justifies my feelings of unworth ...

Today I realized how deep the effect of this has run ...

and today I have decided to stop the pattern ...

Today I start to experience the change on a deeper level ...

I need to lose sight of the familiar shore ... I am no longer defined by the comfortable definitions of husband or minister, and because of the devastation to my ego and my reputation, I need to find NEW ways of defining myself and my place in the world ...

To day I let go of the familiar shore and head out to sea ... somewhere out there is a new land and I intend to find it ...

My hope is that others who are in a similar place will be able to do the same thing ... our bruises teach us lessons ... but there comes a point where we stop letting ourselves be bruised by other people and we truly begin to heal ... AND that can only happen when when we have the courage to reach out and grab the life ring that is being tossed to us ...

Today I had a wonderful friend call me at JUST the RIGHT moment with the sharp words that I NEEDED to hear ... and because of her honesty, her sharpness and her wisdom borne of a similar journey, I had my eyes opened to the reality in which I live ... a reality that today I begin to re-define !!!

Thanks my friend ... your words were like a life ring - one I WILL NOT ignore !!!

There will be no video of me being washed away!!! I'll grab hold and get pulled to safety!!!

And with that - I raise my sails and head for sea ...

ANYONE care to join me ???
You'll never know what you'll find ....

Number 79 ... In Memory of:

Trooper Michael Yuki Hayakaze,

Age 25

of Lord Strathcona's Horse (Royal Canadians),

based out of Edmonton, Alta.

Lest We Forget

Another Great One Gone ...

Canadian Rock Icon,

Jeff Healey

of the Jeff Healey Band,

and of late a Jazz Musician of some renown,

is dead at the age of 41.

Tonight, I'm sad ...

but glad for his legacy of music,

below is an EARLY version of

Angel Eyes:

79 ???

News is breaking that a Canadian Soldier has died

in Afghanistan ... this will bring the total to

79 Canadian soldiers

to die in combat in Afghanistan.

With men and women from CFB Shilo, east of Brandon

currently being deployed on the ground,

this news strikes closer to home than usual.

Prayers for all involved...

... lest we forget.

A Need for a Chuckle ...

This is definitely NOT politically correct by today's standards ... but it is funny.

Dean Martin and Foster Brooks ... watching Martin alone is worthwhile ...

Enjoy ...

The Dentist Sketch ...

This is one of the all time best sketches from old Carol Burnett show ... it really needs no introduction ... this one is DEFINITELY politically correct, even by today's standards !!

Enjoy:

Worth a revisit ...

This is one of the most brilliant pieces of comedic television EVER!!

Four of the best comics around ... one of them just takes over ...

I posted in back in November, and it is worth posting it again ...

Where I'd Rather Be Today ...