David Deida writes:
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Fear of fear may lead you to hang back, living a lesser life that you are capable. Fear of fear may lead you to push ahead, living a false life, off-center, tense and missing the moment. But the capacity to feel this moment, including your fear, without trying to escape it, creates a state of alive and humble spontaneity. You are ready for the unknown as it unfolds, since you are not pulled back or pushed forward from the horizon of the moment. You are hanging right over the edge ...
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This morning I awoke with a profound realization of how deep my fear is in my life ... and how the events and happenings of the last couple of years have not dispersed that fear but have only deepened it ...
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The tally of my losses is breath-taking ...
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I lost my reputation ...
I've lost my job ...
I've lost friends ...
I've been shunned by a community that purports to be warm and welcoming ...
I've been rebuffed in more ways that I can count ...
I've lost my enthusiasm ...
I've watched my marriage implode ...
I've lost the respectibility I once had ...
I've lost my certainty and security about me ...
I've lost my way ...
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What I realized this morning as I laid awake in wee hours of the morning (it's that 4 am thing again!!) was that through ALL of this runs a common theme ... FEAR ...
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Fear of not being liked ...
Fear of being unloved ...
Fear of being alone ...
FEAR ...
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As I inventory my strengths, instead of my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, I can, if my eyes and being are truly open, see that I have been off-center and tense in my life ... and that I have engaged in repeated Quixotic tilts after windmills in my path ...
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I have had too many friendships that were utterly toxic and based on nothing but the manipulation of others to achieve their ends regardless of the cost to me ...
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I've engaged in foolhearty quests believing that the cause was right and just only to be proven horribly wrong and have lost my reputation and credibility as a result, and ultimately - MY JOB ...
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I have trusted people to do the right thing and to act in a fair and loving way only to watch as they have given in to their fears and done nothing ...
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I have been deeply hurt repeatedly by the people I have let in as friend ... and I have repeatedly hurt those who I value as friends ...
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Perhaps most startling of all is the realization that my deepest fear is the yearning to be loved ... and the lingering fear of being unlovable ... and unworthy to be loved ... and that everything I've done ... everything I've believed ... and everything I've said ... arises from the debilitating impact of that lie ...
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And the bottom line is that I am no innocent victim ... I have no one to blame but ME ... I have let these things happen because I have let my fears be in control ... I LET THIS HAPPEN !!
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Today I know that with time I will heal ... I know that I will learn to trust and even to love ... and that in time I will feel worthy of being loved ... But today in this moment, standing quietly at my edge, seeing and feeling the fears that have burdened me is a profound moment of realization and understanding ... I have this moment ... and from this moment will come what I need to face whatever lies ahead ...
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Alone, or in a place of feeling loved ... it's about liking myself and embracing THAT fear ... and perhaps my deepest fear is simply never feeling good enough to be loved much less liked ...
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... By leaning just beyond your fear, you challenge your limits compassionately, without trying to escape the feeling of fear itself. You step beyond the solid ground of security with an open heart. You stand in the space of unknowingness, raw and awake. Here, the gravity of deep being will attend you to the only place where fear is obsolete: the eternal free fall of home. Where you always are.
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