Saturday, July 12, 2008

Thoughts for today ...

It's a cold and grey day ... it reflects the inner mood that has rolled over me in the last few days ... around me the community celebrates the illusion of being a warm and friendly place that welcomes in the newcomer and embraces the stranger as friend ... Having walked the journey of abandonment and shunning that has been so effectively orchestrated by the "good" people of Minnedosa, I can only shake my head in bewilderment at how incredibly blind so many are to the reality around them ...

My sadness arises from not from those who cling to the illusions, but those who can see the truth and chose to do NOTHING in the face of the toxicity and violence that the story represents ...

Yes, Violence ... physical violence - the slashing of tires, shots fired at houses and vehicles and last week having one of Minnedosa's illustrious citizens trying to run me off the road ... I wish I could write THAT off to bad driving - but it was too obvious an attempt ...

Violence to the spirit ... the gossip ... the rumours ... the threats ... the lies ... and most of all the denials from the perpetrators AND their defenders ... such violence is subtle but violence nonetheless ...

Violence to the heart and soul of a person ... looks of distain ... averted glances ... the whispered comments ... the anonymous postings ... the two faced hypocrisy of bad mouthing someone in one context then facetiously welcoming them like an old friend somewhere else ...

Violence is what has marked my journey over the last two yesrs in Minnedosa ... it really comes as no suprise ... but what surprises and saddens me is the unwillingness of many to even acknowledge this is happening at all ... So important is the story being told by those who live enveloped in fear and insecurity, that they can't take the chase of letting go of the story - they can't take the chance of starving their pain body - they can't take the chance of setting themselves free to experience and live the awakening of the spirit that enlightened souls like Tolle promise ...

Today my story changed ...

A red sign has been placed in front of our house in Minnedosa announcing to all - 'SOLD' ... a second red sign has been placed in from what is soon to be MY house in Brandon announcing to all - 'SOLD' ...

In the coming days I will be packing up more than just the physical detritus of the last 8 years in this community ... I will be packing up the shards of a 15 year marriage ... I will be packing up the remnants of a 20 year journey in ministry ... I will be packing up the residue of a 40 year old story that ended in a cold and vicious place filled with fear-filled people who can not see the density of their pain bodies ...

With the packing comes the letting go of much ... the things to be left behind ... the things to be cast aside ... the things that are no longer important ...

Today I begin to let go of much ... but one thing I will never let go of is the hope that the people I have cared deeply for, and that I have been honoured to once love as friends will one day experience their awakening, and they will stop defending the lies and half-truths and they will step into the incredible place that letting go of their pain body represents ... I will never let go of the hope that one day they will expereince this awakening because I know they are worthy of it and they deserve no less ...

As for me ... even in the face of the violence Minnedosa has so graciously extended to me I move forward with hope ... I own the reality of this moment ... but I let go of any judgement of what it means ...

Today:

I crave conversation with another ...

I yearn for human touch ...

After two weeks of no contact I miss my kids deeply ...

I mourn the death of a marriage because of selfishness ...

I miss those I once called friends ...

AND I know that I don't mind being alone, but I do not enjoy being lonely ...

But even in this, I think back to the words I read this morning as I laid in bed and prepared to begin my day ... words that offered a vivid reminder to let go of the story - embrace the truth - and live life present to this moment ... The words I read were:

Life is a package deal. It is not enough to look only at the parts we like. It is necessary to face the whole picture so that we can make realistic choices for ourselves and stop setting ourselves up for disappointment. ... many of us coped with an ever-shifting situation in which our sens eof reality changed from one minute to the next. We adapted by taking whatver part of reality suited us and ifnoring the rest. Again and again we were devestated because reality didn't go away just because it was ignored.

Our lives will remain unmanageable as long as we pretend that only half of the truth is real ... when we cut through denial and anchor ourselves in reality, while it may be difficult to face certain facts, when we allow ourselves to confront them, we cease to give our own denial (PAIN-BODY) the power to devestate us at every turn ...

The whole picture means taking a long hard look at the reality before us ... and that is perhaps the scariest thing of all ... too many people are terrified of letting go of their stories - their pain-bodies ... and so denial becomes the rule of the day ...

Awakened wholeness and living present to THIS MOMENT demands of us only one thing:

"When I am willing to look at the whole picture, I take the first step toward a more manageable life"

Life is too short to live an illusion defended by lies ...

In letting go of the lies, my mood has brightened, and inspite of the rain, I've found a sunny place to stand and look forward to tomorrow ...
.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

TODAY is the start of a new BEGINNING for you Shawn.

Embrace it, Enjoy it. Things are going to start going your way!!!!!!

Me

MY OWN WOMAN... said...

Shawn, I am so sorry. I wish I could make all the wrongs in your life right; but I can't. The only thing I can do is give you a bit of worthless advice: The only person you can change is yourself, you can not change others.

laughing pastor said...

As we say down our way..."Get the hell out of Dodge!"