Sunday, June 17, 2007

What Fathers Day means to me ...

I have less than a half a dozen pictures of my dad ... I'm sure there are more somewhere, but in my possession I have a handful ... and half of them are of him with myself and my brother ...

I have no memories of him ... he died when I was too young to remember him ...

What I do remember is his absence ...

I remember a Father's Day at school where I was forced to make a card for "My Father" ... the supply teacher wouldn't let me address it to my Grandpa, or to my mom ... it had to be made to "My Father," ... I remember crumpling it up and throwing it away before I got on the bus to go home ... the sting of tears in my eyes ... it was something I've never forgotten ...

I don't remember him ... but thanks to the pictures I know what he looked like ...

He died when he was forty ... This year I turn forty ...
He would be turning 80 this year ... I wonder what kind of an 80 year man he would be ...

There hasn't been a day go by that I don't think of him ...
There hasn't been a day go by that I don't wonder what he would be like ...

I never knew him ... he died when I was a babe ... so I don't really know what I've missed ...
but I know too well, what I wish I had had ...

I was told once that the night he died, a neighbour peeked in the living room window and saw him asleep in the chair with me perched on his chest ... the next morning he was gone ... When I held Noahkila on my chest as a child I often thought of that memory ... and how good it feels to hold a child - your child - on your chest ...

I thought of that image when I held each of my children on my chest ...
I think of a this picture often on Father's Day ...

... the pictures reminds me of what I never had ...
and it reminds me of what I have been able to give my children ...

I wish they could have known their Grandpa Sam ...

I think they would have adored each other.

No ... I can say with certainty that I know they would have ...

3 comments:

itzktb said...

What a beautiful and heartbreaking picture.

wendy said...

This is so wise,sweet and deeply sad all at once. I have always felt intensely sad for you knowing that your dad died so tragically and was brutally taken from your life when you were so wee.
How your mother carried on with grace and care and how you all grew up to be good folks is an amazing thing and all of it is a gift to the world.
Know that I am thinking of you on this hard day.
Be gentle with yourself and know God's love and light does surround you.
From the pics I have seen of Sam- he looks SO much like your dad!
Wendy

Jaydee said...

Rev.... I hear what your saying and I feel what your saying and share some of the sentiments. You had him and lost him too soon; I've never found mine..and although not quite the same circumstances, I feel some of the same pain. I grew up without a dad, for so many years that figure just wasn't present. And I wonder how much of my life would have been different had I known him, if I could still know him. Would I have had a knee to bounce on? would I have been the light in his eye?... Would he have saved me from many a broken heart, or at least been there to hold me while it mended? I never got to be "daddy's little girl", I never got to say "well dad said I could.." I never got to hear "she has your eyes, or your smile, or you must be so proud" And like you, I question whether he would be. But you have 3 answers to that question, Noahkila, Ms H and Becks.. They are the proof of how proud your dad would be..Everytime those girls run up to you, wrap themselves around your leg, hold your hand or cuddle you...Every time you share a laugh with your son, he opens up to you, or even when he punches you, your bonds only strengthens. And for as proud as you are in those moments, your father would be even more.
Every day that you make a difference in the lives of your children, you are making your father proud. And every day that your kids have with you, brings them one step closer to their grandpa.

Take care