Lessons from my laptop ...

Last summer, my laptop taught me a lesson I hadn't considered until today ... just as the one year warantee was running out, the recharger cord for the computer packed it in.

While I waited for the replacement to arrive, I was forced to use my laptop sparingly. Thankfully, I had access to another cord for part of that time due to the generosity and care of the local computer shop. In the late afternoons I could recharge the battery for limited use in the evening ... but for four long days my computer use was hampered severely ... I had no way to recharge the battery on board my laptop.

Today I realized the profound lesson in that experience ...

It is vital to find places and ways and the means to recharge our batteries, be them in a computer, a cell phone, or in ourselves.

How many stories do we hear about people lost in the wilderness, and with the last flicker of battery power make contact with someone and summon help on thier cell phones?? (I've read many) ...

What I realized today is that not only are my spiritual batteries run down to the point of being flat ... but more ominously I have lost means and the places to recharge my soul ...

My suspension from ministry has taken from me access to my library and my office - my safe harbours in any storm ...

I have no where to truly call home any more ...

Even the simple act of walking into the local coffee shop, a gesture I looked forward to a couple of times each day has become impossible for me for more reasons than I can count ... and with this loss goes the loss of contact with people I need present in my life ...

The act of sharing my thoughts and my musings here is no longer safe. Too many pounce on my words and use them against me, or cite them as proof of my lack of fitness for ministry ... They can not open thier minds nor their eyes ...

Being barred from contact with "church" has denied me access to the few friends that I've had in this community in a real and meaningful way ...

The simple act of taking my bike for a ride is robbed of its solace by yahoos who feel it's their duty to curse at me and call me down as they pass ...

And even walking with my children around town to be greeted by one finger salutes from toxic individuals become nothing but tiresome ...

So ... like my computer I lack a place to plug in and recharge ... the kindness and goodness of friends is overshadowed and overwhelmed by the toxicity of others ... and my energy levels plummet ...

I'm counselled by friends to reclaim my energy, and to be better than all of this ... but after two long years of seeking help to counter the lies, the gossip, the untruths and the downright nastiness lobbed at me from many corners, I've gotten tired of hearing over and over - "wait, they'll move ...", "wait, it'll get better ...", and so on ... I've grown tired ... I'm utterly exhausted ... I'm worn out by it all ...

I've asked for help ... only to get stabbed in the back, called down, kicked and abused ...

This past year I made one last appeal for help to get out of the quagmire and have been savagely slapped down while those who have been less than honest have continued on their merry and dare I say "faithful" way ...

So today, I'm not sure I have it in me to get up this time ... I don't have any fight left in me ...

The loss of Sanctuary in my life is simply staggering ... it is an enormous thing ... and I'm not sure where to begin to find new places of sanctuary, because I'm not finding them here ... not right now anyway ... and with the loss of sanctuary in my life goes the ability to recharge myself...

I'll take the risk of sounding weak and pathetic, because after two years of staying silent in the face of toxic hate ... I've gained nothing and have only watched the losses in my life mount. I can't say I have much more to lose ... I've lost much, and there are many present around me who would delight in seeing me lose my self-respect too ...

So, it's time to speak openly and honestly about what has gone on. Too much of what people think of me is NOT based on the truth. Too many of those who speak of me have no idea of what the truth it. And the worst part of this is that too many of those who know the truth and who have not partaken of the lies and slander, have simply remained silent ... the truth has become irrelevant.

Silence needs to be broken, and the truth spoken.

Silence is the best friend of hate ... We can not lack the courage to speak up for the truth ...

The voices that dominate around me are voices dripping with viciousness and hate. The shrillness of thier lies and deception drown out the whispers of hope and love ...

I'm not sure what's ahead for me ... I take each step and each day as it comes ... I keep hoping it will get better ... but so far that hope remains a dream ...

One day it will get better ... just not today ... and until I find the means to recharge ... that will not change ...

For now, I take one step ... one breath ... and live one moment at a time ... because that's all I have the energy for ...