I had a friend who once spoke of the Twelve Step Two Step ... he noted that it is too easy for recovering addicts to take the first and the last step of the 12 Step Programme and skip the 10 steps in between ... we spent many an hour discussing the implications and the transformative power of engaging and living ALL 12 steps one careful step at a time ...I've always thought the challenging steps are the Fourth and the Eighth.
The fourth step being: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
And the eight being: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
Those two steps require us to step up to a mirror and examine carefully the image that we find reflected there ... They are far from easy or comfortable steps ... yet, without them, we are unable to move forward and we begin the spin cycle that is "The Twelve Step Two Step".
Since posting the pieces here on Leanne Rowat and her comment in the Legislature and her subsequent apology, I've been thinking a lot lately about the moral inventory and the willingness to make amends ... not so much for myself, but for others I have encountered in the last couple of years ... the ability to engage the full breadth of the 12 step programme and its offer of wholeness is a step of maturity and enlightenment ...
... I weep today for those who self-righteously and blithely ignore the need for a moral inventory and the need to make apologizes and amends.
I've heard it said that Ms Rowat's apology wasn't sincere, but was offered in the names of political expedience - I don't buy it, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she mis-spoke and deeply regretted it. I still wonder why her party leader hasn't offered an apology to the First Nations' folks in Manitoba on behalf of his Party for the offense caused by the comment as well ???
The lesson here though, is the importance of saying the words - "I'm sorry" when you've inflicted harm upon another person, whether that harm was intentional or accidental.
We teach our kids to say things like - "excuse me" and to say "sorry," and "pardon me" when they are pushing through a crowd ... or at least we USED to teach such values ... Yet, as adults too often we hurt others and JUSTIFY it through elaborate mental gymnastics ... we avoid taking responsibility for our actions by pointing the finger of blame at others ...
If Ms Rowat has taught us NOTHING else this past week - she has taught us the importance of an apology, and the fact that people with Integrity are willing to step up to the plate and say the words "I'm sorry" when an offense has been committed ...
Come to think of it, as I look back on my repeated requests for apologizes from members of the Board and Congregation of a Church I was once proud and delighted to serve, the lack of apologizes, and the failure of ANYONE to take responsibility for thier own actions should tell me something right there !!!
I've lost track of the number of tear filled apologizes I've gotten from ordinary church and community members who DID NOTHING WRONG, but who feel compelled to say the words "I'm sorry" for what happened to ME at the "hands" of their church ... Yet even as these apologizes are offered the real perpetrators continue to run amock, with no apology and amends in sight ... those responsible for innumerable acts of nastiness and hurt have NEVER BEEN called to account for their actions ... ALL of this tells you where true integrity lies doesn't it???
The mirror is being held up for ALL to look into ...
As for me ... I've done my step 4 repeatedly ... and I've done step 8 ... and all the others as I've continued on my journey ... and I'm a better person for it ... I can look myself in the mirror everyday and KNOW that I have nothing to hide ... and I don't have to avert my eyes ... and that says a lot !!!
1 comment:
I teach my sponsees that a proper amends involves the three elements of the old Talmudic reparations: Responsibility, Regret and Repair.
I must admit and accept responsibility for what I did. I may not say, "I'm sorry but..." or make excuses. That may in fact be accurate in some (rare) circumstances, but the purpose of amends is not to create a balance; rather, it is to repair a relationship and right a wrong -- not the same thing.
I must then look the other person in the eye and say, "I'm sorry," and mean it. No "I'm sorry, but..." and so forth.
Finally, I must inquire what I can do to try to right the wrong, if it is not obvious, and make an genuine effort to do the next right thing, whatever it may be. Furthermore, I must carry through with it.
These efforts may lead to a reconciliation, or to total rebuff. That doesn't matter. I am doing them for my peace of mind and the cleansing of my spirit, not for the other person. If I do them with the right intent and a good heart, naught but good can result.
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