Loss of Sanctuary ...

I've mused here recently on the loss of sanctuary and how those mounting losses have affected me ... In recent days the reality of that has begun to sink in ...

I'm hesitant and reluctant to speak openly of what is in my heart right now because my past experiences here have taught me that my words WILL come back to haunt me ... The things I've said here have been used malaciously against me ... openly sharing my thoughts and my musings have allowed them to be used in less than positive and affirming ways by those who are waiting to pounce on anything I say that is NOT to their liking ... So, to speak frankly and openly runs the risk of further undermining my ministry and my ability to be in community in Minneodosa after the 363 review recommendations are completed ... In short - If I speak my mind and my heart and share my doubts, my burdens, my reflections and my hurts - there are those who read these words and then take them to be used later to further poison the waters in which we are struggling ...

I can't help but wonder ALOUD - what motivates the heart and faith of one like that ... but that is a musing for another day ...

For the moment I can name the risk, but I can also name the reality that to say nothing is to deny the struggle I am experiencing and will serve only feed the cycle we have been locked in since toxicity and complacency became the norm ... A cycle that can only be broken with honesty and openess ...

So, in the name of honesty - I'll own this ...

Being physically unable to just hop on my bike, turn on my mp3 player and head off into the country side for a while has intensified the feeling of disconnectedness that has come from the loss of too many sanctuaries in my life ...

My loses over the last 24 months have been relentless and ongoing ... they include spaces ... people ... relationships ... and a sense of security ... each of these sanctuaries, sanctuaries that have fed and strengthened my soul, have fallen away with a rapidity that is simply breath taking ...

And now as my disciplinary suspension begins the isolation that it brings has served only to deepen as I must consciously try to live in a small town without having contact with members of the church in ways that could be construed as "ministerial" ... With the malicious presence both here and in the community of those who want me gone, my paranoia is not misplaced ...

With the loss of sanctuary space ... with the loss of sanctuary as I move through the community ... with the loss of the sanctuary that friends and relationships once offered ... I'm left feeling very much like Job ...

Voices rightly counsel me to trust in this time as a time of discernment and a time of reflection ... trust in God to be present as a source of strength and healing ...

But sometimes ... like now ... the loss of sanctuary and the loneliness it represents are simply too overwhelming ... and after 15 years, for the first time in my life I feel totally and utterly bereft ... all that I have held dear has eroded away ... and that is perhaps the most bitter realization of all ... after devoting 23 years of my life to being in ministry in this United Church of Canada, I am once again on the outside looking in ...

I know hope will once again come ... but today its absence is notable ...