Some learnings from Yesterday ...

In one of his routines, Comedian Bill Hicks talks about his addiction to the TV programme Cops ... He confesses that when it is on he is hooked ... He says bluntly - "I've been to more trailer parks than a tornado ..."

But what came to mind yesterday was his contention that as he watched this "fine" programme, he is struck by the number of domestic calls the Cops respond to where the female partner is battered and bloodied and in obvious distress ... but when it comes time to arrest the male partner for his violence and load him in the squad car and haul him away, the wife will start yelling - "He didn't hit me ! He's a good man! I love him! He didn't hit me! I tripped ..." The promise of safety and freedom from abuse is outweighed by the simple fear of being alone and the abused partner denies any of it ever happened ... I won't offer Hicks' response to that - but I would be willing to loan you the album ... The harsh reality is that sometimes the comedic among us speak a bitter truth that is simply softened by the laughter, but not denied ...

That bit on one of Hicks' CDs came back to me yesterday as I was having a conversation with someone about the issue of abuse and domestic violence and the hair-pulling frustration we feel when we watch an intelligent, capable person go back over and over into an abusive, soul deadening, and potentially dangerous relationship. We had been toured around Brandon and saw what Samaritan House offers to the community, and also saw what the YWCA and the Womens' Centre offer as well. The presenters spoke of the emergency shelter beds, the need for a safe house for victims of violence, and the importance of support and counselling for men and women in bad relationships.

As the day wore on, we began to discuss the impact in a community these service have, both positive and negative. But we also began to describe the absolute gut wrenching frustration that comes with the work these services do. The person I talked with had tears in their eyes as they described examples of women who fled for their safety, only to drift back because "He's changed ..."

It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over and over ... Until the victimized partner finally sees that nothing will ever change until they change themselves ... Others from around the world joined in the conversation and showed us ALL that sadly this is not a unique North American problem, but is one found everywhere ...

As we spoke my mind wandered to a book I've been reading lately about ship wrecks and maritime disasters. I kept thinking of the passages where would be rescuers describe arriving on scene to save those in peril only to have those in the water unable, or unwilling to grab on to the life rings, the life boats and the items being held out to them ... Help was offered, but they either couldn't or most heart-wrenching of all - wouldn't take it and they simply perished.

I have always wondered how many of the victims of the Titanic simply succumbed to the cold because they lacked the willingness and even the strength to take help when it was offered ??

The parallels to domestic abuse and violence in this are staggering ... help is available, but rejected ... YET, instead the familiar is reclaimed and justified ... How can that cycle be broken? And how can strength and courage be offered to men and women who lack the where-with-all to break free and claim the wholeness they deserve, rather than running back and convincing themselves that their abusive partner has miraculously changed??

The conversation I had yesterday made me very very sad for the people who can't or won't break the cycle ... but it made me realize that sometimes the only thing we can do is to offer the help ... and then pray when the "he's a good man ... he's changed ..." mantra begins that one day the Spirit will break through and the chains of the cycle will fall ... and freedom and health will reign ...

And prayer is what many of us do - unceasingly ...
... it just doesn't feel like enough ...