A Quotation to Consider...

Last June, I began a journey - it was NOT a journey I wanted to be on, but it is a journey that was forced upon me. I went on a three month leave from my duties as minister, and spent time in the wilderness. There are those voices (some of whom will be pouncing on these words looking to cackle - "a-ha!! see, this is what he's really like ..." and further sully my reputation and undermine my credibility - something they've grown quite effective at), who say I just went off on a holiday ... They couldn't be more wrong.

I spent my ninety days in an emotional and spiritual wilderness. With the help of a friend and a colleague, I dug deeply into myself and began to critically examine all aspects of my life ... I experienced Epiphany after Epiphany as much of myself was laid bare and I struggled with my sense of call and my sense of ministry and my sense of who I really am ...

I came back from the wilderness profoundly changed ... Unfortunately, too many of those with whom I was covenanted to be in ministry had done little to address the issues that lead to my burn out and my leave, but more notably, they were unwilling to alter their views and see any change in me ... Their vision was set and their minds made up.

So the journey I have been on - one of evolving from where I was to where I want to be, has been far from easy. I came home and found myself homeless ... my marital status became what you would identify on Facebook as "complicated" as M and I struggled with a seperation of sorts - one that continues to this day ... My place in the Church I have loved and served for seven years remained tenous and difficult ... and my emotional life ran a roller coaster as my reputation continued to be the target of mailicious gossip and vivid untruths ... Through it all, I sought out and found a couple of close friends who have remained steadfast supports amidst these storms ...

Unfortunately, as the storms raged, many of the places that offered me solace and sanctuary were simply washed away ... this week I lost two more of those sanctuaries ...

I know I will survive ... I know I will emerge from this stronger than I have been ... and I know that I will one day look back on this time and see it as the place where my re-birth as a person began ... I do not however, know where my path will lead, and I don't know what lies ahead ... but I have my faith ... I have a couple of good friends with whom I can share everything ... and I have a desire to break free and to continue the process of evolving as a person that began some months ago ...

On Friday I took the advice of a fellow blogger and sought out the book The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

I'm only half way through my first read of it - so I can only say: "thanks Katie for the recommendation."

It is an absolutely incredible book. It speaks of the need to balance our spiritual and sexual selves and in that harmony to find completeness in ourselves and in our relationships with the world and with the women in our lives. Over and over he stresses the importance of being true to ourselves and to our journeys - journeys of evolution.

The bottom line is simply this: we can quietly live out our lives filled with desperation and compromise and concession, or we can embrace our true and full self and live life fully and live life not only with passion, but live by (to use Deida's term) by seeking to ravish fully that which is before us.

In short it is a great book ... and it is well worth reading and putting into practise ...
So, this is ALL by way of introduction to share the following quotation from the book:

Most postponements are excuses for a lack of creative discipline. ... In addition to the myth that one day your life will be fundamentally different, you may believe, and hope, that one day your partner will be fundamentally different. Don't wait. Assume they're going to be however they are forever. If your partner's behavior or mood is truly intolerable to you, you should leave and don't look back (since you cannot change them).

To be pointed and blunt, there is one life that I hope one day will see the truth of these words and will resume their own personal journey of evolution ... right now out of fear they've fled to the safety of what they know ... it's not a place where wholeness and healing can ever happen ... I hope one day she will be courageous enough to see that and to believe she is worthy of more ...
but it will only happen when she sets herself free and claims her worth ...

For now I can only pray ... and focus on my personal journey ... and as of Wednesday morning I have six months of time to focus on that ... with a suspension from ministry ... on Wednesday my sojourn into the wilderness resumed ... my evolution as a person, as a minister, as a father, as a lover, as a friend, as male continues ... I don't want this exile either - but I'll embrace it and trust in the cosmos to see me through ...

As our Jewish family say - "L'chaim !!!"