You can lead the horse to water ...

... but you can not make it drink.

I remember doing a ride along with a member of an urban police force while I was a student. That night we saw parts of urban life most people NEVER see, and we encountered situations that were absolutely terrifying.

In conversation with the officer, a 20 year veteran coming up on retirement, he spoke openly of his absolute contempt for domestic violence calls. His solution would be to save the victim, usually a woman from the cycle of "oh, he's a good man, and I love him ... I need to give him another chance ... he's a good man ..." A plea that this officer, through his 20 years of answering domestic violence calls, waved off.

"They don't change," he said, "give it a couple of months and we'll be back to the house, and the woman will be saying the same thing with the same injuries ..." But what he noted was worse was the violence that leaves no marks - the violence to the soul that comes from control and abuse that is verbal and non-physical.

He noted that "these men never change," it's a learned behaviour. They learned it from their parents and what was saddest of all - they WILL pass it on to their children and to the children who see them in action.

Since that night as we stood in the living room of a home taking down the details of a domestic call that left children terrified, a woman battered both physically and emotionally, and a man saying - "It's not my fault ..." I've had zero tolerance for men who treat their partners as possessions ... Such men are simply beyond reproach.

Sadly though, too often the women will run back to these so-called men and justify it by saying: "he's changed ...", "we'll work it out ...", "he promised ..." and other empty words ...

In those moment I can only wish them luck. But the reality is ... a pattern is being lived out and it is a pattern that can only be broken by walking away and with clarity of vision and spirit be identified and broken ... Too often though that time away is scary because the fear of being alone is too great to face ...

Being alone is a funny thing ... we savour those moments when we can claim them in a busy life, or a hectic day. But when we really need it, when we need to be alone to heal and to regain our wholeness we feel vulnerable and we are too ready and eager to run back to the safety of what we know, rather than face the uncertainty of what lies ahead. It's the only adage - "the devil we know rather than the devil we don't ..."

In the case of abused women, they WILL justify their return with all the "right" words because the fear that lies inside of them is too great ... they will sacrifice themselves and their strength because of fear ...

And so from fear of being alone sends the victim runing back, convincing themselves it's okay, and convincing themselves that they shouldn't have left in the first place, and in the process they merely begin to repeat the cycle once again ...

It's too bad ... too many lives are simply thrown away that way ...

But like they say - "you can lead a horse to water, but you can not make them drink ..." Even when they are killing themselves ... one day maybe they will finally see it ... and one day maybe they will be strong enough to stand on their own and be their own person ... one can always hope ... until then, I can only hope their daughters and sons will see what's going on and break the cycle themselves ... before the next generation of victims and victimizers arises ...