Why I've Never Opted for Anomymity ...

My struggle today is with sharing openly and honestly what I'm feeling and the tension that presents because - well, to be frank and blunt - it presents a tension BECAUSE there are those out there in cyber space who pounce on my every word and mis-step and use it to bolster their dislike of me and what I am about ... They read this blog not to be challenged nor inspired, but to pick fault with me and what I am about. They are quick to point out what they regard as errors, and they are quicker still to judge me and what I say and do, and find me lacking ...

So, I face a conundrum - I can remain silent and say nothing (the wisest route) ... I can speak my mind and run the risk of offending those who are easily offended anyway (my usual route) ... or I could move to another anonymous blog and begin to spill my guts there under an assumed name, or a nom-d'plume ...

Silence is not an option. I've stood silently for two years as people spoke ABOUT me and around me, but never asked me about the very things they were talking about ... I'm tired of being silent and waiting for justice to prevail. Justice can only prevail when the parties seeking it are honest, open and courageous ... When only one party is being such, justice is not only denied it dies a painful death ...

And anonymity is never an option for me. I wasn't raised that way, and anonymity runs counter to my values as a person. If I'm going to say it, I'm going to own it. If I think it, I'll say it and I'll accept the consequences. When I speak my mind, I've thought about what I'm going to say and I'll take responsibility for my words.

So I'm left to speak my mind openly and to once again run the risk of offending the malicious and the thin skinned who lurk in the shadows waiting to pounce ... so be it.

I will speak my mind and share my thoughts and my struggles and my celebrations and I will not let petty small minded people prevail. Because to be frank - we give them way too much power anyway.

I have no use for the person who will be friendly to my face, but who will then turn around and bad mouth me over coffee, or amongst their friends ... I was raised with a value system that says - "if you're gonna say it behind my back, you better be willing to say it to my face too !!" Even when I've known about the bad-mouthing and the aboherent behaviour of others, I've not reciprocated - EVER!!

Thankfully though, the majority of people who come to this blog and read these words appreciate what I've tried to do here. They value my thoughts and musings and many of them have repeatedly expresses appreciation for my openess and my frankness. Those voices far outweigh the critics.

I've lost count of the number of times I've been stopped both here in Minnedosa and Brandon and elsewhere by people who say (often complete strangers) "I read your blog and it is fabulous ..." Many have shared with me an appreciation that as a minister and as a person I am offering an open and frank opinion of faith and matters of church - there is no "warm pink fuzzy" to be found here and that is what the majority of people are looking for.

SO, as of this moment:

Yes, I struggle with my faith and my calling. I know I'm called to ministry, and I know I've been called to ministry amongst the people of Minnedosa. Despite those who want me gone, over the last few months I have repeatedly been affirmed in my ministry and affirmed in what it is that I do.

I know I have a faith that is moving from traditional Christian teachings to something more Universal and less dogmatic. I live and express a faith that is outside the Institution of the Church, but that is consistent with many of those with whom I am in Covenant within the Institution that is The Church ... it's funny dicotomy ... we live and work in the Church, but our faith is SO MUCH BROADER ... such is the joy of the Spirit!!

I also know that I am far from perfect and I rub people the wrong way. I know my words often offend and outrage - but then I look to the likes of Luther, Gandhi, King, and even Jesus himself as my role models and see in them an offensive faith that revisioned the world as a better place than it currently is - and I follow their lead.

I also know that I am passionate about what I do and what I believe. My passion extends to all aspects of my life and I am un-apologetic for that ... the world needs more passion and less politicking ...

I know that I am well read, well studied and that I remember much of what I read and THAT simple fact intimidates many ...

I know that I am regarded as young and by some as immature ... well, that's one opinion ... often we label that which we fear ...

I know that I am also profoundly lonely ... my path to ministry demanded leaving much behind, including the connectedness with family and community ... along the way I have tried to craft new friend and new relationships, but they are forever hindered by the "you're the minister" bias that too many bring with them. As my marriage has begun to fail, I have found myself abandoned by what few friends we've had in common, and so in my neediness I made a mistake and trusted people as friends who were unworthy of such an honour ...

I know that I am not the person I was a year ago ... despite two years of repeated hard knocks form work, from life and from other corners, I am a strong person and I will survive this. I have too many bruises to count, and I am feeling bloodied and battered right now - BUT - I WILL SURVIVE. I am better than all of this. I am a good person. I am a good minister. I am a good father. And I am a good friend. The rumours and gossip that have been lobbed against me over the last two years - well, I would urge those of you who want to engage such stories to consider the source. I know where many of them started - and they aren't worth the spit that formed them ...

I know that we live in a time of profound change and transition, and that has had its effect on people ... anger and fear abound, and instead of owning those feelings and expressing them in a healthy way it is easier to mis-direct them and to attack the vulnerable and the easy targets ... In the wake of the fire I can't help but wonder if the attacks on me were fueled (pardon the pun) by the fire itself, and are less to do with truth and honesty ...

I also know that I am proud of who I am, what I believe and what I've accomplished. If you want to pick fault with me - then say it directly to me - sign your name - own it. Stop running around behind my back and muttering in the shadows ...

I hide behind no masks. I am a real person. I have hopes and dreams like everyone. I also get hurt too ... I might live in a glass bowl where all my actions, words and thoughts are for public consumption - but I have never placed myself on a pedestal and claimed to be perfect - nor do I want to be put there ... I am a person ... I make mistakes ... I say the wrong things ... I am like everyone else ...

Where I differ is in my ability to own my actions and stand up good or bad for it ...

I'll take my stand. I'll bear the consequences (I already have ... I can show you bruises and wounds galore). And I will stand up for what I believe ... and for that I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE!!