Twitter-pated !!!!

Found this tonight when playing around on YouTube, and had to share it ... Bambi and Counting Crows ... how can you go wrong????

.

Today ...

This is my 1500th posting here ... Recently I have been once again criticised because my postings are at times harsh, confrontational, controversial and irritating ...

My response to such criticism is two fold ...

For starters - if you don't like what you read here, and it ruffles your feathers or rubs you the wrong way, OR makes you uncomfortable - my suggestion is explore the WHY???

What it is about what I'm saying that makes YOU uncomfortable?? Do my words cut too close to the bone for your comfort?? Is there a truth that makes you squirm??

I actually take pride in offering here things that make YOU squirm and feel uncomfortable because in the Christian Church there is LONG and STORIED tradition of being confrontational ... it started with Jesus, then included people with names like Peter, Paul, Augustine, and continues ... today we look back on folks like Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, and modern voices like Jim Wallis, who are heralded for their prophetic visions ...

I don't apologize for being blunt and outspoken, and I will not apologize for being well read and intelligent ... I WILL NO LONGER BE ASHAMED OF BEING CALLED TO A PROPHETIC VOCATION ... YOU need to ask yourself what it is that makes you UNCOMFORTABLE, and spend time exploring that - challenge, growth and change are NEVER a bad thing ... if my words make you angry, maybe the problem lies in YOU not in ME !!!

So if you don't like reading what you find here - GO AWAY !!!

Which brings up the second part of my response to such unreasonable and irrational expectations in regards to my outspokenness - if you can't handle it - Stop reading and go back to your tiny little world and let the rest of us have a mature conversation about what is REALLY going on in the world ... silence is NOT an option. Bowing to your unreasonable and small minded demands is a form of censorship - and I will have NONE of it.

If my words offend you - then go somewhere like Oprah, or Dr Phil where you can live your in insipid Hallmark world unchallenged by the reality around us ...

I WILL NOT BE SILENCED - SO IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE WHAT YOU READ HERE:

DON'T READ IT!!!! Turn off your computer and accept the reality that you are small and close minded and not ready to hear contrary opinions that may find the log in your eye, while you obsess over the speck (one I've dealt with) in MINE ... Go back to being an Ostrich, and hide your head in the sand and pretend the rest of the world isn't here!!!

So, having said ALL of that ... in honour of my 1500th post, and the closing of a sad and ugly chapter filled with tales of immature, insecure and manipulative people and their toxicity that has formed a cesspool no one wants to name, much less clean up - I offer the two horoscopes I encountered this morning ... They speak NOT of the PAST - but of the future ... Recent events in MY life have lead met to the conclusion that something extraordinary is unfolding around me, and the last two years will be a time of transition that helped prepare ME for something wonderful ...

First is my Chinese Horoscope, following it is my Astrology Horoscope:

Your personal charm and attractiveness has a positive effect on your career, reputation, or public image. People see you as a loving and lovable person and as someone who is aware of their needs and feelings, which can benefit you at this time. Others are willing to help and cooperate with your aims. Your interest in the arts or in promoting harmony and good will between people is brought out at this time.
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Figuring things out, spotting the fly in the ointment and separating the sheep from the goats take on special significance now. You are in a learning phase right now and it may be a great benefit to you. Advance your skills, as well as your knowledge. Do not put off an important discussion with someone significant.

Guess the first bike ride has to wait ...

The Aftermath - Digging Out ... Part One

The Aftermath - Digging Out ... Part Two

The Closing of a Circle ...

I AM a Preacher ...
It is something I do exceptionally well, it is something I take great pride in, and it is something that is neither easy for me, nor that I take for granted ...

I still get very nervous when I stand before a group of people and speak ... I have ALWAYS said, the day I stop feeling nervous, is the day I quit and do something else!!

I AM A PREACHER ... but I wasn't always a good preacher ...

My first attempts at speaking from the pulpit of my home congregation, Centennial United Church in Stratford were not pleasant for me, I doubt they were pleasant for the kind and caring folks I had grown up amongst.

I spoke too quickly, jumbling my words together ...
I spoke too softly, causing straining the elders' hearing as they tried to hear my mumbles ...
I struggled ...

Thankfully there was a retired Kindergarten teacher named Mary in our midst ... Mary was in ALL things - A TEACHER. If she took you under her wing you KNEW IT.

Along the way she took this nervous knee knocking wanna-be under her wings and shared the tutelage that ONLY a retired OLD SCHOOL Teacher could offer ...

I remember Mary standing up and saying - "Slow down, we can hardly understand you ..." or "Oh would you speak up, we want to hear you !!"

Over and over, dear Mary would rise to her feet, even in the middle of a sermon, and say what needed to be said ... and with each interruption I was gently guided closer and closer to my voice ... The Voice of a Preacher ... a voice that is measured ... audible ... confident ... and strong.

I have always said I owe my voice - The Voice of a Preacher - to Mary ... her interruptions were a gift ... she, in her own indomitable way, taught me to speak with confidence and strength, SHE taught me to project my voice and say what I was called to say ...

It was a GREAT day when I made it through an entire service without Mary rising to say SOMETHING ... the service ended and Mary sat in her familiar pew, a warm smile on her face and with a simple nod of her head, she told me the lessons were done ... I had FOUND my VOICE!!!

Eight months ago I was silenced ... my public preaching voice was muted by a decision of Assiniboine Presbytery who chose to discipline me for my reactive behaviour to the toxic actions of others (actions and behaviour that to date Presbytery has curiously chosen to simply ignore) . I have no quibble with the decision itself, but I DO have a problem with the obvious imbalance of it all ... Calling one party to task for bad behaviour while ignoring the behaviour of others who engaged in equally bad behaviour only serves to give tacit approval to people who need to look deeply into the mirror and FIX THEIR PERSONAL SHIT before they hurt anyone else!!

For eight LONG months I have not spoken in public ... The harshest experience of all in this wilderness was being denied the ability to preside at the wedding of my Little Brother, who has for 24 years been a friend and a family member ... his wedding came days after the imposition of the Suspension, and even though it was 1400 kms away, I was denied the long awaited moment of standing with he and his bride and sharing in he moment where my once 6 year old Little Brother, stood with his life partner and proclaimed their covenant. We had planned for this event for over two years ... and then because "the rules are what they are," we had to scramble to find someone at the eleventh hour, and EVERYONE in the room looked at the legalism and senseless bureaucracy of the United Church with contemptuous disdain ...

On Wednesday March 19th I spoke publicly for the first time ... my co-worker Lori, had been part of the organizing committee for the March against Racism in Brandon, and because of a last minute cancellation needed someone to offer a Blessing on the event as we marched from City Hall to the University. I was honoured that she asked me.

Borrowing a prayer from the Lakota people and a blessing from the Maori people, I began by sharing the teachings the Nuxalkmc elders had offered me when my ministry started ... They said that: I was a preacher ... I had the voice of a D'plata (preacher in their language), and that I should speak as one with the authority of Managuys (their name for God-the Great Spirit) wherever I go ..

On Wednesday March 19th, in the lobby of Brandon's City Hall, as an employee of Brandon Neighbourhood Renewal Corporation, I stood before the assembled crowd and spoke publicly for the first time in EIGHT months !!!

I was still nervous ... but I had found that voice that for eight long months has laid mute and silent within ... I spoke the words of Blessing and the Drums began to lead us forward ... I had reclaimed my Voice ... The Voice of a Preacher ...

Later that night, I went home and opened the web page for the Stratford Beacon Herald ... when I opened the obituary page my heart stopped ... Listed there was an obit for Mary ...

At the age of 94, her earthly journey had come to a end ...

But it was the symbolism of her dying the very day that I found the voice she was so much a part of creating within me ... She started me on the path of ministry ... along the way I've been battered and bruised and I've periodically strayed from the path and found myself wandering into places of wilderness and darkness ...

On March 19th, as I found my way BACK out of the silent wilderness of my suspension, and reclaimed my Voice, it would seem that Mary's work was finally done ...

She had been a stalwart presence in my life, and the reason I can speak the way I can ... and for that I will be forever grateful ... as one circle closed, another opened, and I will carry Mary's loving lessons forward wherever this journey leads ...

I will NOT be silenced again ... I will speak with the strength, confidence and assurance that comes from the faithful and loving guidance of people like Mary ...

I am a preacher ... Mary taught me much ... and it is because of her I have journeyed through the wilderness and emerged on the other side stronger than EVER before ...

I AM A PREACHER !!! That has NEVER changed !!!

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Yup, it's SNOWING!!!!

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After supper, we went out to shovel AGAIN!!!

AND the snow is STILL FALLING!!!

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Snow Angels (March 2008th edition)

This is JUST PLAIN FUN ...

Kind of makes me wish I drank Molson's ...

Joe Kinda says it all ...

I AM TOO !!!!!!!

Good Morning to a Friend ...

The coffee is on (Just Us!'s Breaking the Silence from Marquis Project in Brandon - It's ALL about Fair Trade isn't it??) ... the day has begun quietly and softly ... things will unfold as they are meant to ... it's a good day ... embrace it ... live it ... and create it to be something extra-ordinary ... We KNOW the cosmos has something up its sleeve ... for the moment ... Good Morning Starshine !!!

Another selection from Serena Ryder ...

I love this song ... the words speak to me in a profound way ... the angst ... the yearning ... the denial ... it's too true ...
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It's about breaking free of our fear and seizing what we want ... and living our life for ourselves, not for the fickle acceptance or rejection of those who have never looked deeply into our being and glimpsed our heart and soul ... this song is about weakness, truth and strength ...
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and the singer - Serena Ryder is simply amazing ...
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When the stars seem to align ...

Today at 11am Merv Tweed, MP for Brandon announced the Federal Funding through the HPI programme for the position of the Homelessness Coordinator that I occupy ... We had a press conference where Mr Tweed, Mayor Burgess, Homelessness Steering Committee chair Brent White and I, all had an opportunity to address the crowd and speak on this tangible way of addressing the needs of homeless and those at risk of homelessness in Brandon.

Tonight, I found my horoscope and found it remarkable:

A period of intellectual creativity has dawned in your life; expressing yourself with a flair comes to mean more to you. Speak up before others forget that you have a voice. You must let your opinions be known, or risk being pushed aside. The impossible is beginning to seem routine to you now.

ALL I can say now is - AMEN !!!

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This is TOO Funny ...

I watched the video, Rush Hour 3 with Noahkila and one of his buddy's ... the three of us were gasping for laughter at this scene ... it has echoes of Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First" ... but is funny in its own right ...

Enjoy

Facing the Wondrous Maze of Life ...

Three weeks ago I hit bottom ... spiritually, emotionally and mentally ... my insecurities overwhelmed me and drove me to the proverbial pit ... I no longer felt loved ... I no longer felt valuable ... I no longer felt worthy ... I no longer felt deserving of anything ... I felt rejected, used and cast aside and I wondered what was SO wrong with me that I would end up utterly alone and desolate in my feelings of rejections ...

It was a truly dark and lonely place ... those I had relied on as "friends" proved their bell weather friendship by enthusiastically joining the mob who like the Mob in Ibsen's Enemy of the People had decided it was easier to drive the "outsider" out, than to face the poisoned waters of their well ...

The feelings of betrayal added to an overwhelming layering of hurtful actions, devastating words and debilitating thoughts that have for the last two and a half years marked the path I have struggled to trod ...

I've watched as my job slipped from my hands ... my career was placed in jeopardy by an unjust and imbalanced response to a conflict that had more than one perpetrator (the very fact that only I have been called to task for my BEHAVIOUR AND ACTION speaks volumes about the dysfunction and unfairness of the process we have been engaged in) ... my social network was stripped from my by the brutality of small minded politics that have found it easier to blame me, than own the TRUTH ... throw into the mix gossip and lies about supposed affairs, misappropriation of funds, lies and any number of other untruths that were eagerly uttered and passed on by both community and church leadership and those who's only interest was seeing me destroyed ... and you have an interesting journey ...

Three weeks ago I hit rock bottom ... I had been stripped of everything but my pride, and even that was battered and bloodied ... I sat in a very dark and lonely place and wept, not because of what I had lost ... but because I had let ALL of it happen ... Rather than more strongly counter the lies and rumours I asked for help from people who couldn't find the back bone to say or do anything beyond a shrug ... rather than put the REAL information out there about the lies and untruths, I held my tongue and trusted in the good will of the people and the system that were supposedly there to help ... instead of owning my pain and allowing my true friends to break through the barriers and help me move into a place of healing, I listened to the voices of those who had no interest in helping any one but themselves ... and in the process I became the one to blame ...

In that dark and lonely place I owned the reality that I had helped to create and accepted the fact that those who should be shouldering some of the responsibility for creating these conflicts and spinning these lies will NEVER be called to account for THEIR actions because cowardice and fear reign supreme ...

In the midst of that dark and lonely place I realized I have in my life told no more than five lies ... two as a child ... I remember them too well ... and three as an adult ... One lie continues to be held to simply because the consequences of the TRUTH would be simply too great on another person I've cared deeply about ... and so I bite my tongue and taste the bitterness of blood, as others make erroneous assumptions and judgements about ME based on a lie I have held to ... and for this - I blame no one but me ...

I've let all of this happen ...

So, in that dark and lonely place ... I confronted my demons and realized that everything I have done in my life has been to ease my personal hurt and discomfort by doing FOR others ... and in the process I've allowed those others to avoid the full responsibility for THEIR actions ... I've willingly played the scape goat ... I've bent down and allowed the burdens and the BULLSHIT to be heaped upon me ... I've LET ALL OF THIS HAPPEN ...

That day ... as I hit bottom ... I made the decision that I had had enough ...

That day ... as I hit bottom ... I realized that it wasn't me who was unworthy ... or unlovable ... or undeserving ...

That day ... as I hit bottom ... I realized that I had allowed the fear of OTHERS to define me and my sense of worth in a way that served THEIR interests ...

That day ... as I hit bottom ... I realized that I WASN'T THE PROBLEM !!!

I straightened my back ... I stood up ... and with a prayer to the cosmos to see me through, not the entire journey, but the next step, I started moving forward one step at a time ...

I've likened this moment to standing on the bottom of a West Coast valley ... it is cold and dark ... but far above our heads lie the sunny tops of the mountains ... those mountain peaks are the destination ... and the only to go is UP ...

The journey starts by first groping through the thick dark undergrowth and finding the trail head ... then one step at a time ... moment by moment ... minute by minute, you begin journeying up the trail ... it can be slippery and treacherous, and in places it seems to be heading back down into the valley ... but over time you slowly move your way upwards ...

Focusing on this moment - this step - this tiny piece of the trail ... you keep moving, until one spectacular moment you suddenly find yourself standing on the top of the mountain and looking back you wonder why you were so worried about the climb ... Looking back, it all seems so easy ...

Today I have a long way to go before I get to the top of the mountain ... but I'm on the trail ... I've lost NOTHING along the way, but rather have gained new friends, new opportunities, and new POTENTIAL ... I've left the toxicity of the valley bottom behind, and with it, those who see no problem living in the muck and the bullshit that lies so thick in their Valley Home ... Before me the trail winds upwards to a destination I don't yet see, but in faith I KNOW is there ...

I will take each step of the journey thankful for the preciousness of life, the strength of my faith, the care of my TRUE friends, and for the amazing possibilities that now lie ahead ... I don't know where I'm going, but right now that is less important than the simple fact I'm moving forward and reclaiming MY LIFE.

I like me.
I like what I'm about.
I like who I am and how I move in the world.
I like the power of my intellect and the depth of my passion.
I like ME ... and I will no longer be ashamed of that.

AND I am entitled to be BETTER treated than Minnedosa as a Church, as a Community and as a Place have treated me over the last two years ... I am entitled to be better treated by those I claim as friends, then I have been over the last two years ... I am entitled to stand with pride and strength because 99% of what is being said about me in Minnedosa, even today, is based on the lies and manipulations of a few sick and twisted people ... and the opinions of these small minded fearful human souls DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY!!!!!!

As a new and wonderful friend observed (and a couple of cherished "old" ones too):
"you're BETTER than that Shawn!!"

Today, there lies before me an amazing maze - one with many twists and turns, many exits to new and exiting places, AND many more decisions to be made ... as I stand before that maze and begin moving into it, for the first time, I'm not afraid, and I'm not concerned about what others may think of me ... my only critic will be ME ... and if my time in the darkness (a place you MUST go into and through if you are to find healing and wholeness) has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that in that moment when I have to decide to go left, or right or go straight, the decision must come from the whole person within, and no where else.

Three weeks ago I hit rock bottom ... and through the care (most of it inadvertent) of my friends, I found in the darkness someone I had long ago lost touch with ... and I discovered I really liked him ... and now I journey forward more whole that I have ever been ...

I can only wish for everyone that experience of entering the darkness and leaning into your fear, so that one day you too can stand on the mountain top in the full sun knowing that you've claimed what you deserve, NOT what you settled for in your fear and insecurities ... it can happen if you have courage ...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life ... and TODAY I stop looking backwards AND BEATING MYSELF UP over the erroneous opinions others hold of me - that BULLSHIT is their problem, NOT MINE ... Karma will see to it that those who have wallowed in fear and nastiness and dishonesty will one day be called to account ... BUT as for me ... I will claim the resurrection that comes with breaking free of the darkness and climbing upwards to the light ...

I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THIS. And today for the first time in a very long while, I'm in a place where I can not only believe it - I CAN LIVE IT !!!

Today is Good !!! (and that is all I have, and all I need!!)

Today's Theme Song ...

Tonight I was chatting via email with a friend and I shared with her the readings from Deida that I have been reflecting on lately. I shared those that had to do particularly with transitioning from one layer of purpose in life to another. I had shared with her the latest round of rejection that landed in my lap from Minnedosa, and how it simply confirms the ending of the current layer of purpose and the beginning of a new layer ... in reply she sent me an email ... in which she said:

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"...I do know you are a very strong person who will never be beaten. I am very proud of you and for the strength you have shown.

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I don't know what direction the next few days are going to go for you, but I have an extremely strong feeling that this new position of yours is where you need to be.

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Deida is right - these are all just layers to our life, to build us up to who we really are, to know our self, and to be proud!

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As battered and bloodied as you may feel right now, know that you have reached the bottom of your soul, and, as painful as it may feel, you are starting to rebuild your TRUE SELF.

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You can do this.......you will do this.......I have every ounce of faith in you that you will succeed!"

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In honour of a the words of a beautiful and wise offered by one who has entered my life at just the right moment, I offer the only song that fits right now - Elton John's "I'm still standing" because a friend named Tam has reminded me that sometimes that's the BEST PLACE to be - STILL STANDING !!!! ...

... Better than I ever DID !!!! I AM A TRUE SURVIVOR!!!!

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I'M GOING !!!!

May 24th - MTS Centre in Winnipeg,

Geddy, Neil and Alex

will be rocking like they have for over 30 Years.

AND

I'LL

BE

THERE!!!

Last time I saw RUSH

was in Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens

back in 1986!!

I CAN HARDLY WAIT!!!

One of THOSE Days ...

It started normally ... the morning was filled with the normal buzz of activity - breakfast for the kids, getting lunches ready, breaking up fights, getting them out the door ...

Along the way I phoned MTS to see why my cell phone had suddenly stopped working yesterday ... they had no record of the phone number ... then when they found it, the phone in my hand was reported stolen, and I needed to contact the Church Office to make arangements with them ... turns out they cancelled the phone service without telling me ... the arrangements I made three months ago to have the phone put entirely in my name had "never happened" so, instead of calling me to make arrangements - the phone was simply cancelled ... NICE !!!

I called and left a message looking for help ...

Then it was out the door to face the very icy highways on the way to work ... I made it to Brandon with more than my fair share of white knuckle driving ... but I made it ... As I pulled into town, I decided to stop and the Toyota Dealer to see when they could check on the engine warning light that had gone off ... if I could leave the car, they could look at it at some point through the day ...

A lovely young woman drove me to the office and I sat down at my computer to begin my day ...

OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The emails just kept coming ... the tasks being dropped on my desk piled up ... and by the time I was in the office an HOUR I felt like I was two days behind ... I had emails to respond to ... media interviews ... press releases to send out ... phone calls to answer ... things just kept piling up ... THANK GOD for the background of Bill Evans to keep my mood calmed ... by 11:45 I had been typing emails and answering phone calls NON-STOP ... I jumped at the chance to go with my Manager to Brandon Rotary Club ...

After Lunch we had a Housing Committee meeting ... then a whirl of conversations arising from the committee, a planned meeting with one of the service providers to get an overview of their work ... and the omnipresent RINGING phone ... along the way the car dealer's car came to get me so I could pick up my repaired van ... I went to findo ut the bad news ... more repairs are pending, but for the moment the van was good to go ...

From the dealer I headed off to solve the cell phone dilemma and get the phone back up and running ... Sounds simple doesn't it ???

NOT A CHANCE ... over an hour later I came out with a NEW phone, the same number and a head ache from all the hoops we had to jump to get a blinking PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I headed back to the office and spent the next hour just getting caught up on the stuff that needed follow up from the afternoon meeting ... it was time I should be home getting dinner ready ... so a phone call was needed to get one of the kids busy making supper ... still had a grocery shop to do before I headed up the highway ... and my emails and phone kept piling up ... FINALLY at 6 I headed out the door and started heading home ...

To say I was wound up by the time I headed down the highway is an understatement ... I was a more than a little frazzled around the edges ... but ... I popped on some soft music, took a deep breath and headed down the highway ...

When I got home, the kids had eaten their dinner AND cleaned up by themselves !!! (I wondered if some aliens had kidnapped my children and replaced them with clones that have strange and unearthly habits ... !!!!) , and they headed off to bed with minimal fights ...

Then I opened my computer to do some MORE work, but first I paused to check my Blog ... and to my delight I found the following comment on the posting Unbelievable :

Two brief comments Shawn:

1. You must be doing something right to convict so many people. Sometimes doing the right thing is the least popular....and for that you will be criticized. Rest.

2. You said: I've had to justify EVERYTHING and in ALL things continue to be found wanting

I say, justify ONLY to God.Shawn, I love what you write more and more each day. I've been so busy lately, I've missed keeping up on reading your blog.

For your information, your writings, your pictures, your gut wrenching revalations about yourself do ME good.

So.... if you do it for just one.... keep doing it.

I read that and said "THANK YOU!!" aloud ... it came like a refreshing breeze in a dry dusty place ... not only did. MY OWN WOMAN, make me smile, she lifted my spirits to a place they haven't been for awhile ... SO, thanks to you "my own woman" good to have you back, and it's even better to hear your words of support and encouragement !!!

Those simple words helped make the stresses of today just ebb away ... It WAS one of those days ... but it took an unexpected turn and became something even better !!!

So, to those who have stood by me over the last couple of years when the mob mentality set out to chase me with torches and pitchforks - THANK YOU !!!!

Your presence and care has been appreciated and a day like today makes me realize just what a wonderful gift you have been to my life !!!


Thank you!!

Glancing Back ... Looking Forward ...

My Horoscope for Friday read:

Changes in friendships or physical location may bring changes in your family. Someone who has been an important part of your life may not be there in the same way anymore, and you will be spending part of your time sorting through emotions about this change.

And my Horoscope for Saturday reads:

Your subconscious mind is working overtime today, processing wild ideas and information, some of which could come to you from secret sources. You will find that you are drawn to spiritual and metaphysical topics and are attracting people with some pretty wild ideas.

Friday's pretty much summarizes my day as it unfolded ... and Saturday's holds nothing but possibility and potential ... I see no down side here!!


Life is good !!

Katie Almighty ...

The other day, Katie over at "At the Half Note" shared a musing by her delightful daughter Annie reflecting on a recent houseguest hosted in NYC. The posting, "Bruce Almighty" offered a reflection on the lessons learned, not by the Host herself, but by Annie herself from the visit of Katie's house guest Bruce ...

Today just as I hit the 'send' button on an email to Katie, my cell phone rang and a voice said softly - "It's Katie from New York..." I already knew that ...

Katie then offered me a profound lesson she had learned from life and from Bruce ... first she talked about just being present to THIS moment and all that it offers, both good AND bad, and work at creating this moment to be GOOD ...

Then she shared another snippet of profound wisdom which she prefaced by saying - "I think it's hard for you to take things from others because you've been a Pastor ..."

I gulped and silently agreed ... fortunately Katie continued ...

She said "you have talked about all the losses you've had ... but you know, they aren't really losses. They are things you let happen. Things you were an active part in. AND NOW, you have the opportunity to be and to claim more ... stop seeing the negative ... start seeing it in another way ..."

I hung the phone realizing that as we move from the dark shadowy placed into the light, we need to stop counting our losses, because they aren't really losses any way ... they are moments of learning where we let go of that which is less than beneficial to us, ... and instead we embrace the possibility and potential of more ...

In the face of these so-called "losses" I am fortunate to have some strong friends who continue to stand by me and offer comforting words of support, and sharp (yet loving) words of criticism ... it makes me realize, I REALLY lost NOTHING, and have only GAINS ahead ...

Thanks Katie for that timely reminder ...

In THAT moment ...

The shadows are safe ... almost protective ...

You can live in the shadows comfortably,

denying your heart,

silencing your soul,

and ignoring the truth that yearns to be

from deep within your being.

The darkness of the shadows is a

very good place to HIDE.

From yourself,

from others,

FROM THE TRUTH !!

.

But in that moment when you can no longer hide,

when the truth stirs within you,

and you KNOW in the depth of your being

that you yearn for, want, need AND
DESERVE MORE.

In that moment the shadows

lose their feel of safety.

.

Now we fear the shadows,

for they may give away our deep dark secrets,

we fear letting the truth out,

we fear NOT living a LIE.

.

That moment WILL come,

when the lie we've told ourselves is

no longer enough to

stifle our heart,

and imprison our soul.

From the depth of our being,

will arise a passionate yearning for MORE.

.

Our soul will cry out,

and the truth will break free ...

... and we will at last move from the

deep dark place of denial,

and we will embrace the

full and glorious light of TRUTH!!!

.

Until THAT moment,

we deny ourselves only

the fullness of love,

the freedom of wholeness,

the transformation of happiness,

and

the completeness of self that comes

only when we stop lurking in

the deep dark shadows of

unworthiness and

doubt.

.

In THAT moment,

when our eyes, our heart, our soul

and our being are fully open ...

... in THAT MOMENT will

come the wholeness

we all need and DESERVE.

.

I've FINALLY found that moment ...

... and it begins with the TRUTH

of KNOWING,

that I DESERVE more

than what has been ...

.

The truth shall set you free !!
.

Called by name ...

On the cross Jesus cried out: Eloi, Eloi, lam sabachthani ..." - "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" ... utterly alone ... rejected by his friends ... he hung on a cross to die ...

Last week, as part of the Passion Narrative the words were spoken that said:

"I have become a reproach to all my enemies,
and even to my neighbours,
a dismay to those of my acquaintance,
when they see me in the street, they avoid me ...

I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind,
I am as useless as a broken pot.

For I have heard the whispering of the crowd;
fear is all around;
they put their heads together against me;
they plot to take my life..." (Psalm 31:11-13 BAS)

The time and space liturgically we find ourselves in, is the place of darkness ... the place of loneliness ... the place of rejection ... A place I have been too familiar with in recent months ...

In the days leading in to the beginning of Holy Week, I found myself cut off from the last vestiges of those I had once believed were my friends ... the rejection I received from them was devastating and real and complete ... the small mindedness of those who cling desperately to a dying vision had prevailed ... like the ancient Psalmist, I was cast aside, avoided and plotted against by those who could not handle the truth in their own lives ...

And so, with a heavy heart I walked through the doors of a place some would call a Sanctuary ... I stepped out of the shadows and crept in the door to hear the story of the Passion - the story that speaks most deeply to me about the human journey ...

I have never feared the dark lonely days of Maunday Thursday and Good Friday ... I have always stood silently in the darkness as the dying came ... I've never rushed the quiet moments of silent sorrow as we mourn the loss of One who showed us what true love can be and is ... I've waited in the dark to hear the excited whispers of the women who first learned the TRUTH of the Easter experience ...

I've long known, that the ONLY way to fully experience the moment of Resurrection is to be present in the dark moment of loss and death ...

And so ... I went ... needing something ...

I stepped in the door and was welcomed ... not just a cheery "Hi. Welcome ..." But welcomed BY NAME ...

I know of a colleague who often speaks of God "calling us by name". But I've always found their view lingering in the shallow end of the Triumphalist Warm Pink Fuzzy Theology that marks too much of the modern era ... while I welcomed the notion, I found the expression of it to be far too simplistic to adequately embrace the concept of being welcomed by God BY NAME ... Being the CHURCH is about more than being a Social Club ...

This day I stepped through the door and was welcomed by name ... greeted warmly and embraced like a lost sheep ...

I sat ... I waited as people gathered ... one by one the flock assembled ... "would they wonder why I (OF ALL PEOPLE) was there?" I mused, "would they be uncomfortable having ME there ??" I thought ...

But one by one, they greeted me ... by name ... with an offered hand ... with a hug ... many with tears in their eyes said simply - "It's so good to have you here ... welcome ..." and over and over it was said - "YOU always have a place here ..."

No judgement ... no reproach ... no avoidance ... just open hands offered ... and hugs given ...

One person stepped up and offered a hug and said - "We've been praying for you through ALL of this Shawn ..." with tears she continued, "know that YOU are ALWAYS welcome here, and that we think what you've been through is so wrong ..."

The service started ... it was like coming home ... it was unpolished and had its moments - stops and starts and interruptions ... but in spite of the fumblings and the occasional "um" or "ah" it was a service from the heart ... it was deeply meaningful because it was about standing in a place of Holiness and encountering the frail and the broken ...

The Psalm reading was offered ... as the words floated over the gathered people ... the place where the Psalmist cried out to God spoke to me ... his words were my words ... his experience was my experience ...the rejection, the manipulation, the lies, the half-truths, all of the things that tore him down and left him slumped on the dust pile ... his reality echoed mine ...

I've heard the whispers ... I've seen the averted gazes ... I've noted those who have cast me aside ... I've borne ALL OF IT with a heavy heart ... I know what it is like to be a reproach to those around me ... I've lived it at the hands of a "Faithful" Church and "caring" friends who will not willingly face The Truth ...

I wept as the Psalmist spoke words of trust and faith that I couldn't feel ...

In my tears I heard Paul's call to the people of Phillipi ... "Sisters, and brothers, ... I can only say that forgetting ALL that lies behind me, and straining forward to what lies in front, I am racing to the prize ..."

"Let it go ..." came the whisper ... "Let ALL of it go ..."

How I wondered ... after the last two years ... after the ever growing list of losses ... how can I let it go ???

Kneeling at the front waiting for the Eucharist, I wondered if I was truly worthy any more ... maybe my inner insecurities were right - maybe I'm not worthy of being loved ... maybe I just need to accept who I am and stop trying to be someone I'm not ...

Then the Presider stood before me ... he looked me in the eyes and said - "The Body of Christ broken for you Shawn ..."

My hands trembled as I took the wafer and ate it ... my hands shook as I sipped deeply from the cup ... I had to let it go ... but felt unworthy ...

I rose to return to my seat ... and was pulled towards one of the esteemed elders ...her arms enveloped me and as she hugged me tight, she said - "OH my dear boy, it is SO good to see you here ... we've been praying for you and everything you've gone through ... it's not been right ...but you will always be welcome here ... " then as I fought back a sob and said simply "thank you" She tightened her hug and said "Oh my dear boy ..."

I returned to my pew and wept ...

My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me? echoed in my soul ... but then came the whisper ... "oh my dear boy ..."

I had not been abandoned ... I had merely lost my way and was sojourning in a place where God's Living Presence is simply Unknown and has long ago been forgotten ...

As I've dug deeply within my self and searched for meaning ... I found it ... Like Deida says - "I've begun to pass from one layer of my life's purpose to another ..." I'm continuing my journey ...

Like the Psalmist ... I've know the sting of rejection and reproach ... I've endured the loss of many things ... I've suffered more than has been my due for ANYTHING I may have actually done ... but in that moment when I offered the words "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?" and felt utterly worthless and alone ...

IN THAT VERY MOMENT ... a voice whispered - "Oh my dear boy ..." and welcomed me HOME by name ...

In a place I least expected it ... I was drawn in and made to feel welcome ...

In that moment ... I learned HOW, to let it go ... the lost sheep found safety ...

... and it is good !!

A Song that says sooooooo much ...

Lately, with the thirty five minute drive to and from Brandon every day (Some days I've done it twice!!) - I've been listening to A LOT of music ... The classic rock from bands like Genesis, Supertramp, Abba, Phill Collins, and Electric Light Orchestra (no GOOD music) has made the drive almost enjoyable ...

Today I listend to Mamma Mia by Abba and realized how powerful the word are ... they speak about what it feels like to nurse a shattered heart ...

A NEARLY Perfect moment ...

On the CD player is title track of "Stablemates" from

the Early Trane CD set I bought yesterday.

.

In my hand is a fine coffee picked up from

the coffee shop in town,

where as I step in the door,

my morning coffee:

Prairie Blend, Black Xrta-Large,

it is poured and then offered with a friendly smile

and a warm hello by the beautiful staff

BEFORE I even have to ask ...

.

(I was late getting there today - THEY noticed)

.

... and as I sat savouring the coffee, the music,

and this extra-ordinary moment I read:

.
In America, the first generation out of slavery

invented Jazz music. It is a free-form expression.

It comes from the soul, and it is TRUE!

.

In this moment, listening to Coltrane,

it's hard to argue ... it's moment to savour

and to linger in ...

Today I KNOW ...

.

... I would rather journey alone,

than share my life

with someone who is not a true friend,

and who doesn't speak FULLY to my heart and soul ...

.

... life is too short to live such a FOOLISH lie,

and to NOT listen to THE YEARNINGS of one's heart.

.

It's about being free,

and being fulfilled in ALL aspects of one's life.

.

It might be foolish, but I'll hold to that,

because anything less is an untruth.

To be content and whole requires it ...
.

... if there is even the whisper of doubt,

it's not true, nor fuflilling to my life,

and I will not waste any more of my time or energy

pursuing something that doesn't feed my soul.

.

It's risky ... but it IS THE ONLY way

to live a full and meaningful life.

;

Wise Words from Friend ...

Having lunch with a friend this week,

she observed (wisely):

"It's not that we build walls to keep people out,

we build walls to see who cares enough to

break through and find us inside ..."

She's right.

and I've realized how fortunate I have been

to have good friends who have cared enough to break through.

BREAK THROUGH !!!

The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman: not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openess and depth ...

... Most men's ultimate reason for doing anything, has to do with discovering their deepest truth, enjoying total freedom and love, and giving thier FULLEST gifts ...

... if you are willing to discover and embrace your truth, lean through your fears, and give everything you've got, you can penetrate the world and your woman fromthe very core of your being and bloom them into love without limit ...

... no gifts left ungiven. NO limit to the depth of being. Only openess, freedom, and love as the legacy of your intercourse with women AND WORLD. -David Deida

I DO NOTHING HALF MEASURE ...

I have ALWAYS lived life fully and with passion ... if I'm in for a penny, I'm in for a pound ...

Yet, over and over and over, I have been rejected, cast aside, used and abused by those I have opened my heart and my life to ...

The sting of rejection has been real ... and has served only to deepen my sense of inadequacy and failing ...

This weekend, I leaned into my fear and realized HOW profound my insecurities REALLY are ... I can say that I have operated for 40 years NOT feeling worthy, not feeling capable, not feeling lovable ... and because of it, I have never felt good enough, and today I realized that I have never really been comfortable enough with myself to freely like who I am ...

It was a HARD realization ...

But in that moment came the voices of my friends ... and what my psychologist dubbed "fan base" that helped me inventory the positives about myself ... and it became quite a list very quickly ... a list I can and AM proud of ...

As I drove home from Winnipeg and went back to work I realized that those people who would reject me and cast me aside - those who would abuse me and use me - those that have treated me like crap and have lied to and about me ... well, my revelation was - TO HELL WITH YOU !!!

They operate out of fear or jealous ... they were able to affect hurt on me because I LET IT HAPPEN ...

I will no longer be embarassed nor ashamed by my abilities ... I WILL continue to live life without hesitation or reservation (my foot firmly on the accelerator) AND most of all - I will like myself for who I AM and NO LONGER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING ME !!!!

Today I realized that the ONLY way I can achieve WHOLENESS is by liking me and accepting who I am AS I AM ... and if people can't handle it - THEN IT IS THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE!!!

I will no longer live or die on the opinions of others.

AND I will NO longer live a quiet life of desperation that is slowly killing my soul ... I'll live life on my terms and conditions ...

Like Deida says - I WILL penetrate ALL aspects of my world from the depth of my being, and with NO apologizes ... and if people reject me - it's THEIR LOSS ... and I KNOW it is REALLY THEIR LOSS !!!

I LIKE ME ... and starting today I live accordingly.

81 ...

No name yet ...

... but knowing that the main contingent

on the ground comes from nearby CFB Shilo,

raises the awareness that a neighbouring family

will be grieving the loss of another soldier

serving in Afghanistan.

Thoughts and prayers for all,

but especially for the family who today weep for the dead.

Lest We Forget.

I LOVE Post Secret ...

I'm among the MILLIONS of people

who read Post Secret EVERY WEEK.

I have a couple of the books, and

I regret deeply that I NEVER made it to the

Post Secret Show at WAG in Winnipeg.

But having said that,
I LOVE POST SECRET

because too often the cards posted there speak a

profound and moving truth.

Today's offerings are NO exception.

.

But what saddens me deeply

is the realization that for

EVERY SINGLE CARD

posted on the site,

there are countless people out there

FEELING EXACTLY THE SAME WAY

and

ARE AFRAID TO ADMIT TO THEMSELVES

THE TRUTH!!!!

.

One day maybe they will find the courage to

claim their voice, let go of their secrets,

and find the wholeness of BEING FREE !!!!

.

(in the meantime - thanks to Frank for his work!!)

.

(Visit Post Secret here)

The Tiger Speaks ...

I love the scene in the movie Apocalypse Now when Chef and Willard head into the jungle from the patrol boat only to encounter a Tiger lurking in the underbrush ... Sighting the majestic feline sends them screaming (okay swearing) back to the boat and vowing never to get out of the boat again ...

If you google the scene you will find a number of web pages that raise and discuss the metaphoric meaning of the scene ... it's interesting, but to me irrelevant ... the meaning of the scene for me comes from the feline's view ... He is doing what he's always done - moving quietly and stealthily through his forest home ... always watching ... always aware of what's happening around him ... just living his life in the comfort of his home ...

You don't become an Alpha Predator without being able to move through your realm like a phantom who fades and appears almost at will ... sometimes standing boldly in the open ... other times watching hidden in the shadows ... and still other times watching from the underbrush, observed by ONLY the most aware ...

The tiger lurks ... neither a threat nor a docile presence ... but yet embodying something dangerous and untamed ... the visceral fear a tiger invokes is because it often appears silently, and without warning ... and it's teeth, claws and size invoke only terror ... but even in that, the tiger is no threat to those who have not first threatened it first ... it is suggested that the moniker of "man-eater" applies only to Tigers who have learned to fear human intrusions to its territory, and who have learned that Man is a REAL threat rather than a quirky non-food entity that historically has moved easily and unmolested through Tiger territory.

A book I'm reading even suggests that Tigers and human beings lived side by side for millenia BEFORE Tigers began attacking humans at all ... the reason for the attacks?? The author, with numerous studies to back this view claims that Tigers learned to regard humans as prey only in response to the aggressiveness of Humans themselves - researchers suggest man-eaters LEARNED that behaviour in response to US!! It's an interesting theory and it make almost too much sense ...

So today, this tiger remains in a quiet place ... resting ... watching ... listening ... reflecting ... and just being present to the moment ... when I said earlier this week that I am seeking a quiet place, that's where I am ... I am NOT shutting down this blog ... and I am not totally silencing my voice ... but I am stepping back and letting my heart, soul and mind be immersed in the quiet of NOW ...

I will speak when I feel compelled to ... and I will remain silent as I need ... right now, this tiger is out there in the underbrush, wandering through the shadows, pausing in the light ... and taking time to discern the paths from the depths of the valley I have found myself in, and BACK up into the highlands ...

This morning I stepped out of the shadows and was warmly welcomed in as "one of the family" ... and now, as I step back into the quiet shadows, I savour the gift of acceptance and love that washed over me ... and I await further whispers of the the Spirit to guide me forward ...

Until then ... I'll watch, wait, and savour the quiet place I've discovered ... I'll be lurking somewhere ... floating on the currents, and no longer fearing the water, but just enjoying its tranquility ...