Yesterday I had someone tell me - "I don't need to have negative people in my life ... I want to only have positive people around me ..."This person went on to talk about their desire to have OTHERS encourage and build them up ... the telling line was - "THAT'S the story I have to tell myself ..."
I could have wept ... but in stead I shook my head with deep sadness at the inability of someone I have cared deeply for, to see the DENIAL they are living within ... denial so deep and so profound they will not see that surrounding one's self with "Yes-Men" and "Yes-Women" serves no purpose but to feed the ego's addiction to the pain body ...
To break free of the Pain-body, one must first acknowledge it as a reality, then one must STOP feeding it. To break free of the Pain-body, one MUST break the addictive cycle ...
As I reflected on my conversation last night, in addition to thinking about the words of Tolle, my mind wandered to the writings of David Deida whom I've referred to previously here ... I thought about a chapter in his book "The Way of the Superior Man" wherein he describes the necessity of facing and wrestling with the criticism of friends if one is to achieve a life of wholeness. This morning in my meditative time I realized I am truly blessed to have three very close friends with whom I can share just about anything, and from whom I will receive both unconditional care and love, AND unabashed critique (both good and bad)!!!
Having a friend who cares enough to say to us - "YOU are being a complete Shit-head!!" may not be comfortable, but it is a profound gift ... The frank assessment by someone, spoken in care, may sting, but in the long run it helps us to see ourselves for who we are rather than hide behind the story our Pain-Body has created, and upon which our ego depends.
My friend, who wants only positive people around them, fears the frank assessment of those who truly care about them, and who can see the active Pain-body that is defining and limiting their life - a pain-body, they want to pretend doesn't exist. Their ego is in control and rather than wanting health and wholeness, the ego wants drama and the continuing revisiting of the negative story that in turn feeds their Pain-body and allows their ego to reign supreme in a profoundly negative way ...
It is easier to blame others for our pain and our suffering and our lack of happiness, than it is to look within and find there the real reason we are un-happy. (this is something I've FINALLY learned in recent days) True friends will hold up for you a mirror that may not be comfortable to gaze into, but if you are to achieve wholeness you must look into the mirror and see -REALLY SEE - what is reflected there.
It's a hard lesson. But good, true and loving friends will speak sharp words tempered by love BECAUSE they want to stop you from living in DENIAL, and they want to see you set free from the fetters that hold you back ... surrounding ourselves only with "positive people" will prevent that honest assessment from ever happening ... and our wellness and our wholeness will never happen ...
I for one, THANK GOD every day that I have friends who have stood by me through all the crap I've walked through and caused and along the way have had the courage to call a spade a spade and where appropriate tell me HONESTLY where there is room for improvement ...
I can only wish the same for my friend who called me yesterday, but I fear that she and another whom I care more deeply about, are simply NOT ready to face the truth and admit to the presence of their respective Pain-body ... and that saddens me ... but I can do absolutely nothing about it but pray and continue to offer my care and love ... and maybe one day they will open their eyes to this reality ... I will NEVER give up that hope!
For now though ... some comments about Deida about friends and the role they play in a healthy life:
About once a week, you should sit down with your closest friends and discuss what you are doing in your life and what you are afraid of doing. The conversation should be short and simple. You should state where you are at. Then, your friends should give you a behavioural experiment, something you can do that will reveal something to you, or grant more freedom in your life ... your friends will challenge your hesitation and mediocrity ... GOOD friends should be willing to challenge your mediocrity by suggestion concrete action ... GOOD friends should not tolerate mediocrity in one another ... they should not let you off the hook. They should honour your fears, and in love, continue to goad you beyond them without pushing you.
If you merely want support from your friends without challenge, it bespeaks of an unresolved issue you may have ... without this force (your friends) in your life, your direction becomes unchecked, and you are liable to meander in the mush of your own ambiguity and indecision. Your close friends can provide the stark light of love - uncompromised by a fearful Mr. Nice act - by which you can choose the direction you really want to go. ... Friends of this kind can love you without protecting you from the necessary confrontation with reality that your life involves. you should be able to trust that these friends will tell you about your life as they see it, offer you a specific action which will shed light on your position, and give you the support necessary to live in the freedom just beyond your edge (FEAR), which is not always, or even usually, comfortable.
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Good friends tell you what is really happening in your life, and don't try to protect and isolate you from reality ...
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I hope one day the person I had the conversation with can stop blaming everyone else for their unhappiness, and finally hear the words of love from their TRUE friends, who want to see them move to a place of wholeness and healing, that will never come without facing the reality of this moment ...
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To them I can only say - "Good luck my friend ... you know where I am when you're ready ... "
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