I realized today that I don't mind being alone ...Being alone is about being able to spend time with one's self in reflection and in life. By being alone one is able to find comfort and wholeness within one's being ... Being alone is healthy and necessary for an awakened and whole life ...
I don't even mind feeling lonely ... loneliness and aloneness are close related places ... they are about being present to one's own self ... and finding peace and comfort there ...
Aloneness is about quieting the noise and the clutter of our lives and wrestling with ourselves in pursuit of wholeness and healing ...
Today though, I realized I am tired of living a solitary existence ...
For too long I have lived a solitary life even when I am surrounded by people ... the alone-ness I feel and have lived has been profoundly lonely in a negative way ... I yearn to end my day with human touch, conversation, care ... the intangible things that we, as social animals need for survival ...
I have no desire to be an ascetic, isolated from the world ... nor do I want a life filled with meaningless chatter and empty social interactions ... I seek a balance ... an end to the solitary life of loneliness that I have created by my complacency ...
I want, and need a companion on my life's journey with whom I can share the ups and the downs of this life, and find enhancement for the contentment and completeness I am achieving with each passing day, a companion who speaks to my soul and compliments my wholeness ....
I want an end to feeling utterly alone, even when surrounded by friends ... I do not want to be a solitary life any longer ...
... the hardest part is, that lately, this simple hope has seemed to be just too much to ask for ... much less expect ... and if I try to find it the neediness overwhelms everything ...
... I need to find the balance point ... and today I've begun to understand that ...
Today I've begun to find the balance ... maybe one day I will find the right companion walking along side me ...
Until then, we live in hope ... and trust in the journey ...
5 comments:
I've in this place in my live where I felt alone even when I was in the company of friends and family. There are days when I can't make up my mind if I need company or if the quiteness of the moment is where I'd like to remain. I was diagnosed with depression in September 1996 and am still taking meds. I tried unsucessfully to ween my self off the meds. I wanted to see if I could handle the world without the help of my meds and i soon discovered the doctors were right. I will need the meds for the rest of my life.
I felt ok but little things stressed me out. My head felt weird. I could hear my blood being pumped around in my brain. I finally spoke with my doctor and he advised that I being taking Luvox again. I have and life is getting better one day at a time
Mine is not a depression ... been down that road ... nor is it an underlying condition - done the diagnosis ...
Mine is the reality of having been in a very isolating place professionally and personally, and NOW being actively shunned by a supposedly "warm and welcoming community" and having lost all but a tiny handful of those I once called friends ...
Mine is a place of transition and hope that WILL give rise to a resurrection ... but it has been a lonely road in the fullest sense of what LONELINESS means ...
Shawn;
Thanks for this. I have been feeling this way as well, and you are so so right. I too need to find that balance point. It makes so much sense.
THANK YOU
me
Hello,
I closely identified with this posting. I wanted to thank you for the heart felt nature of the post. I also wanted to wish you well on this journey and in maintaining the balance point.
Dear anonymous,
I'm so sorry about your depression, but I would question whether your doctors are right. We're so complicated and life is a mystery. I encourge you to continue your medication if it helps, and also get a set of CDs called "A New Earth" by Ekhart Tolle. Listen to them over and over again, and read about Tolle and other people who've suffered from depression and now live without it. Don't close the door on your journey, don't limit yourself or your life with a diagnosis.
Keep moving toward peace, keep moving toward peace.
I know you can.
Love,
Katie
NYC
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